Jill Smokler [Smokler - Confessions of a Scary Mommy: An Honest and Irreverent Look at Motherhood: The Good, The Bad, and the Scary

STOP! DO NOT OPEN THIS BOOK UNTIL YOU RECITE THESE VOWS!

I SHALL REMEMBER that no mother is perfect and my children will thrive because, and sometimes even in spite, of me.

I SHALL NOT PREACH to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. Its none of my damn business.

I SHALL MAINTAIN a sense of humor about all things motherhood.

A NY MOTHER WHO DOESNT STIFLE A MILLION KNOWING LAUGHS WHILE READING C ONFESSIONS OF A S CARY MOMMY NEEDS TO MAKE SURE HER FUNNY BONE WASNT ACCIDENTALLY SUCKED INTO THE DIAPER GENIE.

J ULIE K LAM , N EW Y ORK T IMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF Y OU H AD M E AT W OOF

J ILL OFFERS UP THE PERFECT ANTIDOTE TO OVERLY EARNEST PARENTING GUIDES. I TS LIKE COMFORT FOOD FOR ANXIOUS MOMS, SERVED WITH A SIDE OF SNARK.

C YNTHIA C OPELAND, AUTHOR OF T HE D IAPER D IARIES AND R EALLY I MPORTANT S TUFF M Y K IDS H AVE T AUGHT M E

Of course you adore your kids. Of course you would lay down your life for them. But be honest now: Have you ever wondered what possessed you to sign up for the job of motherhood?

S OMETIMES I JUST LET MY CHILDREN FALL ASLEEP IN FRONT OF THE TV.

In a culture that idealizes motherhood, its scary to confess that, in your house, being a mother is beautiful and dirty and joyful and frustrating all at once. Admitting that its not easy doesnt make you a bad mom; at least, it shouldnt.

I F I CANT SURVIVE MY DAUGHTER AS A TODDLER, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THE TEENAGE YEARS ?

When Jill Smokler was first home with her small children, she thought her blog would be something to keep friends and family updated. To her surprise, she hit a chord in the hearts of mothers everywhere.

I END UP DOING MY SONS HOMEWORK. I TS WRONG, BUT SO MUCH EASIER.

Total strangers were contributing their views on that strange reality called motherhood. As other women shared their stories, Jill realized she wasnt alone in her feelings of exhaustion and imperfection.

M Y EIGHTEEN MONTH OLD STILL CANT SAY M OMMY BUT USED THE WORD SHIT IN PERFECT CONTEXT.

But she sensed her readers were still holding back, so decided to start an anonymous confessional, a place where real moms could leave their most honest thoughts without fearing condemnation.

I PRETEND TO BE HAPPY BUT I CRY EVERY NIGHT IN THE SHOWER.

The reactions were amazing: some sad, some pee-in-your-pants funny, some brutally honest. But they were real, not a commercial glamorization.

I CLOCK OUT OF MOTHERHOOD AT 8 P.M. AND HIDE IN THE BASEMENT WITH MY LAPTOP AND A BEER.

If youre already a fan, lock the bathroom door on your whining kids, run a bubble bath, and settle in. If youve not encountered Scary Mommy before, break out a glass of champagne as well, because youll be toasting your initiation into a select club.

I KNOW WHY SOME ANIMALS EAT THEIR YOUNG .

In chapters that cover husbands (The Biggest Baby of Them All) to homework (Didnt I Already Graduate?), Confessions of a Scary Mommy combines all-new essays from Jill with the best of the anonymous confessions.

S OMETIMES I WISH MY SON WAS STILL LITTLETHEN I HEAR KIDS SCREAMING AT THE STORE.

As Jill says, We like to paint motherhood as picture perfect. A newborn peacefully resting on his mothers chest. A toddler taking tentative first steps into his mothers loving arms. A mother fluffing her daughters prom dress. These moments are indeed miraculous and joyful; they can also be few and far between.

J ILL S MOKLERS candor about the underbelly of marriage and parenting has made her an unlikely hero among a new generation of women. Married to her college sweetheart, Jeff, she lives in Baltimore with her three children and a golden retriever.

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COPYRIGHT SIMON & SCHUSTER

Gallery Books
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Copyright 2012 by Jill Smokler

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

First Gallery Books hardcover edition April 2012

GALLERY BOOKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

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Designed by Julie Schroeder
Scary Mommy logo designed by Jill Smokler
Illustrations by Amy Saidens

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 978-1-4516-7377-7 (Print)
ISBN 978-1-4516-7378-4 (eBook)

For my children, Lily, Ben, and Evan. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift of all: motherhood. I love you more than you can imagine.

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I am not a writer.

Sure, I wrote this book, but I am not an actual writer. At least, I dont think of myself that way.

Im a graphic designer by trade, and I took some time off from work when my kids were babies. I knew Id eventually have to go back to a salary to help pay the bills, but I was going to milk living in yoga pants and not showering until dinnertime for as long as I possibly could. There was nothing about wearing heels and lipstick to an office that I missed, but the slothfulness did come with a cost. While I certainly didnt miss the work, I missed having somethinganythingto myself. Endless games of peekaboo and board books were not as fulfilling as I thought they would be; I felt like I was drowning in boredom and lame nursery rhymes. So, on a whim, I started a blog.