Ilana Wiles - The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting

THE MOMMY SHORTS GUIDE TO

REMARKABLY AVERAGE PARENTING

Editor: Rebecca Kaplan

Designer: Amy Sly

Production Manager: True Sims

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016930108

ISBN: 978-1-4197-2219-6

eISBN: 978-1-6131-2328-7

Text copyright 2016 Ilana Wiles

Illustrations/photographs copyright 2016 Ilana Wiles unless otherwise noted

Published in 2016 by Abrams Image, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

Abrams Image books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialsales@abramsbooks.com or the address below.

ABRAMS The Art of Books

115 West 18th Street, New York, NY 10011

abramsbooks.com

All photographs Ilana Wiles except: : top left Atlee Hayes, top right Deva Delporto

To Mazzy, Harlow, and Mike I think Ive always been a writer, but you guys gave me something I loved enough to write about

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

OVER THE PAST SIX YEARS, I have written about parenting on my blog, Mommy Shorts. I write about my struggles, my successes, my mistakes, my moments of joy, and now, six years in, with two adorable daughters STILL ALIVE, I can say with semiconfidence that I know a little bit about what I am doing.

I am not a good mother. Im not a bad mother, either. Im average. I love my kids more than life itself, but I am not always up for playing with them. Especially when they were toddlers. Youre putting squares into square holes in a shape sorter. And they cant even do it! Its excruciating.

This book is for parents (and parents-to-be) who think parenting is tough but still believe they can have a pretty good time. Or NEED to believe, for their own survival.

I am not going to try to get you to be a better parent. I am here to tell you that you can get through parenting in a half-assed average way, frame it as bringing up independent kids who can think for themselves, and then tell everyone you are a FANTASTIC parent.

Actually, dont tell anyone that. Nobody wants to be friends with a parent who brags about their parenting skills. Thats Mom Friend 101.

Owning average makes parenting fun. You dont have to do anything differently. You just have to see your pain as entertainment. You know how they say comedians often have inner struggles and use humor as a coping mechanism? Parenthood is your opportunity to become a comedian!

Its like youre part of a big club that nobody wants to belong to but all you have to do is whip out a bottle of wine and a well-timed joke about potty training and suddenly you have fifty new friends!

You have to love your kids, embrace the madness, find the humor, create your own entertainment, and laugh together as an entire community of people who have NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING.

Actually, never use the term whip out among parents and children. You might get arrested.

What was I saying again? Oh, yes.

You have to love your kids, embrace the madness, find the humor, create your own entertainment, and laugh together as an entire community of people who have NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING. You can do this even in your worst parenting moments.

In fact, thats when things are at their most hilarious.

I might be an average parent, but I have also been blessed with a smart, nonjudgmental audience of fellow moms and dads who have reminded me time and time again that we are all going through the same things together. They have given me advice and support every step of the way. This book is not just my experiences (although thats most of it); it also takes advantage of all the knowledge and empathy I have gleaned from my readers over the years.

So yeah, you will learn a lot from this book. But maybe not all of it from me.

12 REJECTED Titles

FOR MY

Momoir

The Good, the Bad, and the Time I Stepped on a LEGO

My Life and All the Noses Ive Blown

I Left Your Blankie at Home and Other Devastating Tales of Motherhood

Dont Jump on the Baby: Life Lessons For My Eldest Daughter

Unidentified Stains: One Moms Mission to Leave Her House Without Spit-Up on Her Shirt

I LOVE PARENTHOOD! (The TV Show; Real Life Parenthood Is Just Okay)

The X-haustion Files

Tangled Car Seat Straps: The Story of a Mom, a Dad, and the Family Road Trip that Almost Killed Them

Sorry Sweetie, Callious Dead

MOMONOMICS: How Laundry Multiplies While You Sleep

The Good Boob: A Tribute to the Side that Kept the Baby Alive

Wake Me When They Graduate

CHAPTER 1 So, Youre Pregnant

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I peed on a stick, saw the plus sign, called my husband, and we celebrated just like you see on TV!

No, thats not true. There were doctor appointments and acupuncture and medication and a miscarriage and then POOFI was with child! Neither easy nor anything I would start an infertility support group about. It was somewhere in the middle, as Ive come to realize most parents fall.

But no matter whether youve been trying to conceive for years or you touched a penis once and got pregnant by magic, once youre expecting, everyone is in the same boat. Knocked up and at the doctor more than you ever thought possible.

And its not just the number of times youre at the doctor, its also the number of hours youre left freezing in a paper smock, waiting for your OB to enter the room. One time, my doctor forgot I was there and I was left sitting naked next to my own cup of urine for over an hour. If you told me I had an hour to do whatever I wanted, I think its safe to say that staring at my own cup of urine would fall pretty low on that list. At least I had my iPhone to keep me and my urine company.

SERIOUS QUESTION: How were people pregnant in the days before they could read their phones while waiting for the OB? I mean, sure, it must have sucked to give birth before epidurals, but Id be even more frightened to be an expectant mom alone with my own thoughts in the OB waiting room. Thats when Id start imagining every worst-case scenario possible, fall into a pregnancy disaster spiral, and start blaming myself for my unborn babys future anxiety issues that surely transfer straight from the brain to the womb.