Kane - Bad Mommy Moments: Celebrating The Days of New Motherhood that SUCK

BADMOMMY MOMENTS

Celebrating the Days of New Motherhood thatSUCK

Cindy Kane

Copyright 2012 by Cindy Kane.

E-book published and distributed by

Possibilities Publishing

PO Box 10671

Burke, VA 22009

www.possibilitiespublishingcompany.com

All rights reserved. No part of thispublication may be reproduced, stored in

a retrieval system, or transmitted, in anyform or by any means, electronic,

mechanical, photocopying, recording, orotherwise, without the prior written

permission of the author.

For Mike,

my best friend, my husband, and the reason Istill laugh late into the night.

CONTENTS

?

.

BAD MOMMY MOMENTS

noun (plural)

1. short periods of time (that feel likeeternities) when you do something bad that will haunt you for therest of the day. Or week. Or forever.

2. the fourth stage of labor

PLEASE DONT

Please dont...

... tell me to get my sleep now. Babieswake up every few hours. Ill be tired. I get it.

Please dont...

... ask how dilated I am. Were at HomeDepot. And we just met.

Please dont...

... give me another parenting book. Imnot going to read it. Just like I didnt read the other ten thatchanged the course of your family.

Please dont...

... advise me to get on day care waitlistsjust in case. Ive already told you, Im staying at home. Ivebeen planning it since I was a kid. I know you had a hard time andIm really sorry about that, but Ill be fine. Thanks.

Please dont ...

... insinuate that moneywill be tight. If we waited until we could afford a baby, wednever have one. Besides, I wouldnt have quit my job if we werentable to swing it.

Please dont...

... ask me if Ive joined mom groups.Introverts dont do things like that. Besides, being around othermoms and their kids makes me tense.

Please dont...

... tell us to make time for each other.Weve been making time for each other for six years. If theres onething weve got down, its making time.

Please dont...

... stare at my breasts. Just kidding. Goahead. And you know what? If I squeeze them together and leanforward, they look even bigger.

Please dont...

... tell me my life is about to change. Ofcourse it is. I wanted it to change. Thats why I got pregnant.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

NEW POSITION

-----Original Message----

From: Big Boss

Posted At: Wednesday, 8:26 AM

Posted To: PBS News

Conversation: CK promoted to new position

Subject: CK promoted to new position

We are delighted to announce that CK,formerly of the Program Management department, officially began hernew position as Super Mom on Sunday morning when her new bossTheBabywas born.

The Baby arrived at 8 pounds 13 ounces and 193/4 inches long.

Mom, Dad, and The Baby are all doingwell.

We will miss CK but we are thrilled about hernew position.

________________________________________________________________

Be more informed. Be more connected. Be morePBS.

Become a member of your PBS stationtoday.

www.pbs.org

_________________________________________________________________

This e-mail may contain material that isconfidential or proprietary to PBS and is intended solely for useby the intended recipient. Any review, reliance, or distribution ofsuch material by others, or forwarding of such material withoutexpress permission, is strictly prohibited. If you are not theintended recipient, please notify the sender and destroy allcopies.

__________________________________________________________________

------End of Forwarded Message (and life asI knew it)

THE TOP 10 THINGS THAT SURPRISED ME DURINGDELIVERY

10.) The appearance of my father-in-lawin the delivery room with a Louis LAmour Western under hisarm. He left shortly after.

9.) The fact that I hadzerocontrol in the delivery room. Since when doesa woman naked from the waist down have no power?

8.) When the nurse totally ignored myrequests and called in the anesthesiologist.Hello? Naturalbirthing plan!

7.) The numb and tingly joy that startedfive minutes after the nurse ignored me. Who knew having thebottom half of my body shot up with Novocain would feel sogood?

6.) The nurse farting while attending tome. For, like, a whole hour. Of course I said something. Imean, cmon. This was not a firing range. And if I couldnt feel mylegs, how was I supposed to move away from her smoking buns?

5.) My husband pointing out that thenurse wasnt fartingI was. But you see, if I couldnt feel mylegs, how was I supposed to feel my butt? And if I couldnt feel mybutt, how was I supposed to squeeze my cheeks together to keep themfrom sounding off?

4.) Pushing brown instead of my baby.While my husband was standing next to me.

3.) The nurse changing the birthing padbeneath me like I was a baby. While my husband was standingnext to me.

2.) Not crying when I first saw mybaby. But crying when I first saw the doughy remains of mystomach.

1.) Realizing that pregnancy wasnt hard.Giving birth wasnt even that hard. The hard part was convincingeveryone that I knew what to do next.

Especially since everyone else seemed toknow exactly what to do with my baby. How to hold her, diaper her,swaddle her, and nurse her with my breasts. Everyone but me.

BABYS FIRST LIE

HEREWE GO

They gift-wrapped her in an old dishrag,grayish-white with faded blue-and-pink stripes. Her skin was redand blotchy, caked with bits and pieces of my uterus. They coatedher eyes with a clear gel to protect them from bacteria, but shelooked like shed smoked up in my birth canal. Her mouth was wide:a long, dark tunnel.

I glanced at my husband. He leaned over myshoulder, eyeing her. His gaze was so intense that I feltintrusive, even though I was the only one who couldnt leave theroom.

Do you feel it yet? he said.

No, I said. You?

No.

The nurse secured our matching ID braceletsand slipped the baby from my arms, assuring us that wed see heragain as soon as the doctor finished the examination.

So I guess thats that, my husbandsaid.

Almost, said the midwife, as she spread mylegs farther apart. Wed forgotten that she was in the roomstitching me back together again.

He leaned in closer and whispered, Thinkwell feel it soon?

I hope so, I said. I mean, I knowI love her. Of course I love her. It just doesnt...

Doesnt feel like what you wereexpecting?

Not at all, I said.

Did the rest of it feel like what you wereexpecting?

I looked down. Fluids still dripped into myarm through a procession of tubes dangling from an IV. My bodytwitched from the fading epidural. My thighs were dead weight. Myvagina may or may not have been in the room. I sighed. When thefeeling returned to my legs, the midwife helped me to my feet andeased me over to a wheelchair. She grabbed the handles and pushedme away from the bed. My husband gathered our suitcase andscattered belongings. I took one last look around the room, knowingId left my old life in there somewhere even though I couldnt seeit from the doorway. A nurse closed the curtain behind us andstarted to clean up.