Shaun David Hutchinson - Brave Face: a memoir

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PRAISE FOR BRAVE FACE

As much a book about coming out as it is a book about simply coming to be, Brave Face is the bravest memoir Ive read in years. Illuminating, brutally honest, poignant, and sometimes laugh-out-loud funny, this isnt a book just for queer kids; its a book for any teen (or adult) who feels left out, rejected, confused, and scared about their place in the world.

KATHLEEN GLASGOW, New York Times bestselling author of Girl in Pieces

Shaun David Hutchinson has long been one of our brightest lights and best storytellers. In Brave Face , he shares all the sh*t he had to survive to get thereand how we can too. Brutal and essential.

SAM J. MILLER, award-winning author of The Art of Starving

Shaun David Hutchinsons account of his teenage years is as honest and compelling as his young adult fiction. People of all ages will find comfort and hope in this powerful, beautifully written memoir.

BRANDY COLBERT, Stonewall Book Awardwinning author of Little & Lion

Shaun David Hutchinson has been hammering out one brilliant book after another, and Brave Face is his most honest and courageous one yet. This profound memoir is a triumpha full-throated howl to the moon to remind us why we choose to survive and thrive.

BRENDAN KIELY, New York Times bestselling author of Tradition

Fearless and resonant, Hutchinsons memoir explores personal darkness with profound candor and earned wisdom. Courageous, devastating, and beautiful.

CALEB ROEHRIG, author of Death Prefers Blondes

Shaun David Hutchinsons Brave Face is an unforgettably profound memoir. A gut punch with moments covered in raw emotion. Its exploration of depression, family relationships, acceptance, sexuality, old wounds, and pain remind all of us that its okay to not be okay. That we are not alone, even in our darkest hours.

JULIAN WINTERS, author of Running with Lions

For anyone whos ever felt a little queer.

Youre not alone.

Please be aware that Brave Face includes the following content:

Suicidal Ideation

Attempted Suicide

Self-Harm

Sexual Assault

The Trevor Project

www.thetrevorproject.org

or call TrevorLifeline at 1-866-488-7386

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

or call 1-800-273-8255

The It Gets Better Project

www.itgetsbetter.org

To Write Love On Her Arms

www.twloha.com

Trans Lifeline

www.translifeline.org

or call 877-565-8860 (US) 877-330-6366 (Canada)

The Jed Foundation

www.jedfoundation.org

ILL KEEP THIS SHORT. A lot happens in this memoir. Theres drug use, sex in the backseat of a Mustang, discussion of homosexuality, alcohol use, a smidge of profanity, and a little petty theft. Those, of course, arent worthy of a content warning. Those are just the hundred million pieces that make up a life, and Im not ashamed of them. But Im also going to talk about depression, about cutting and burning myself, and about my attempted suicide. Im not ashamed of those things either, but they might be tough for some of you to read, and I want to make sure youre aware of whats coming.

Im also going to use words that will probably make you uncomfortable. Words like faggot and fag and homo. I know these words hurt to read. Theyre not pleasant to write, either, but theyre part of my story. There were a lot of misconceptions about what being gay meant in the 1990s, and I absorbed them all. Many of my attitudes and beliefs were a result of internalized homophobia and are not beliefs I hold today.

I should also warn you that I was selfish, arrogant, and kind of screwed up when I was younger. I made a lot of mistakes. And while I had my reasons for many of the things I did, theyre not excuses. There are no excuses for the ridiculous crap I did when I was younger, and if I could apologize to every single person I hurt, I would. Its fine to hate teenage me a little, but trust me, no one will ever hate that arrogant little prick more than he hated himself.

As youre reading, its okay to put the book down if it becomes too much or if you need a break. I took lots of breaks while writing. Just remember that no matter how dark it gets along the way, Im working on this from the light at the other end of the tunnel, and Ill be waiting for you there.

THANKFULLY, I WAS ABLE TO piece together time lines and events from old e-mails and journals that I managed to hold on to. Ive changed the names of all schoolmates and friends as well as many identifying details. Some of the people portrayed are composites. When it came to re-creating conversations, Ive done my best to recall the flavor of the conversation, because its not always possible to recall something from twenty years ago word-for-word.

One thing I do want to point out is that memory isnt always accurate. I gave a speech for the 2016 School Library Journal Leadership Summit, where I discussed some of my personal history with suicide and depression. In it, I mentioned how my mom had been tested in the hospital as a potential match for liver donation. Later, after my mom watched the speech, she told me that Id gotten it wrong. Shed never been tested; shed only talked to the doctor about being tested.

Thats not how I remembered it, though. So as I started writing this memoir, I wondered what was more important: what actually happened or what I remembered happening.

I think the answer depends on whos doing the telling. How I remember events is more important to this memoir than how someone else remembers them, and someone elses recollection isnt necessarily the objective truth either. For example, I dont remember my mom crying when she came to the emergency room after my suicide attempt. Her strength and stoicism set an example for me later in my life. If I found out that she had actually cried in the ER, it wouldnt change the effect my original belief ultimately had on me.

Therefore, while Ive done my best to verify dates and other objective truths, the majority of this memoir is how I remember events. Anything Ive gotten wrong is on me.

Finally, this memoir contains e-mails, journal entries, and some of my early writing. Even though its incredibly embarrassing, Ive left all my awful grammar and spelling errors intact except where doing so rendered the passage too confusing to read. Please dont judge me.

1997

Every day, at least once, I silently wish I wasnt gay. See, basically, being gay involves choices and fears. The choice is how to go about finding love. The fear is that I never will.