Martha Stout - How to Protect Yourself Against a Ruthless Manipulator

Dressed in a paint-stained shirt and frayed jeans and intent on cleaning the underside of a deck, I was certainly not looking the part of a professional psychologist one spring afternoon when a shiny new SUV, bearing two young children and their well-dressed mother, appeared in my driveway. The woman was wearing neatly applied makeup; still, she looked as if she had been crying for days, and my heart went out to her. Obviously relieved to have found me, despite my torn jeans and my initial astonishment, she said she had traveled two hours to get to the town she could only speculate was mine. She told me that she was involved in a custody battle from hell with someone who was frighteningly cold-blooded, and that she feared for the well-being of her daughter and son. To save my children, she said, Ive got to duel with the devil. And I dont know how.

She was certain that her ex-husband did not really want to be a father, and that he was suing for custody only to keep her under his thumb, which, given her love and concern for the children, he was accomplishing quite handily. I explained the power of presenting a serene (rather than panicky) demeanor whenever she encountered her ex-husbandto thwart his desire for visible evidence that he was controlling her emotionsand provided her with some suggestions to help her speak productively with her lawyer. When she left, I was glad to see that, replacing the hopelessness, there was a glimmer of resolve in her eyes.

As a psychologist, I had studied sociopathy and treated clinically traumatized victims for more than twenty-five years, and still I did not fully appreciate the overwhelming prevalence of sociopathic victimization until I began to write about it. Since my book The Sociopath Next Door was published, in 2005, I have been flooded with phone calls and letters from readers who have felt compelled to tell me of their own encounters with people who appear to have no conscience. So motivated have these readers been to tell me their stories that some have managed to acquire my unlisted home phone number or have waited outside my office door in Boston, hoping to catch me coming or going. But this was the first time someone had appeared at my house.

I decided to establish a website with a dedicated email address, so my readers could relate their experiences without having to embark on such desperate searches. As soon as I did, I began to receive a seemingly endless torrent of messages from all over the world. Most of the people who contacted me (and who continue to do so, daily) are dealing with a possible sociopath who is simply not avoidable: the opposing party in a custody battle, a boss or a coworker in a job too valuable to leave, an adult in their family, or, in perhaps the most excruciating situation of all, one of their own children.

The readers who seek me out are from both genders and many different walks of life, but they have certain experiences in common. They have all felt alone and more than a little crazy: each has believed him- or herself to be the only person ever fooled and manipulated by a human being who turned out to possess an alien mind. They have survived a reality-shattering relationship with at least one person incapable of guilt, remorse, or even concern. And, until they read The Sociopath Next Door, all of these survivors had assumed that no one would believe their strange story. My book had given them the concepts and the words to describe their experiences. Now they were searching for tools to protect themselves and their loved ones. It is for them, and for all people who find themselves in unavoidable struggles with the conscienceless, that I have written this book on how to prevail against a sociopath.

Nearly all the letters I have received over the years fall naturally into a few categories, and, in media appearances and private conversations since 2005, I have been asked countless questions on these same crucial topics. In this book, I will discuss all of them: the grim reality of sociopathic children and how to deal with them; specific methods you can use to overcome a sociopath who has targeted you at work; what to do when, terrifyingly, your opponent in a child custody struggle is a sociopath; assaultive sociopaths (including cyberassault); and the differences between a sociopath and a narcissist. The book includes a chapter on sociopathy in our corporations and governments also, and thoughts on the nature of good.

Most conscienceless people, seeking to blend in with the rest of society (and not wanting to be caught or imprisoned), commit invisible moral and interpersonal crimes. Contrary to popular misconceptions, sociopaths who turn to lethal violence are a small minority. They are far more likely to be destructive liars and manipulators who play brutal psychological, financial, and political games with our lives. They comprise the single largest subgroup of domestic abusers: people who attempt to enhance their sense of power and control by beating up on spouses, children, and the elderly in the privacy of their homes. This is one of the reasons we find them so difficult to identify. But when sociopaths do murder, the results disturb us deeply. Ill discuss the pattern seen in murderous sociopathic behavior, and how this form of aggression is motivated differently from non-sociopathic violence.

Psychologists are loath to recommend avoidance as the solution to a problem, but where sociopathy is concerned, avoidance is actually the optimal course. Whether violent or not, sociopaths live outside of the social contract that binds the rest of us, are uniquely destructive, and will never be able to engage in authentic personal or work relationships with anyone. Their sole preoccupation is to have power over other people, and the most advisable and least dangerous course of action is to avoid such people altogether. However, steering clear of the sociopath is not always possible.