Adam Carolla - Im Your Emotional Support Animal: Navigating Our All Woke, No Joke Culture

Even People Who Disagree on Everything
Agree on Adam Carolla!

As the revolution reaches its final, most humorless stage, theres no better, braver, or more insightful observer than Adam Carolla. You may feel despondent about whats happening right now. This book will remind you that you should also be amused.

Tucker Carlson

Adam and I agree on absolutely nothing , but hes a sharp, smart, funny guy to disagree with. And theres a human heart under all the gruffness, snark, and melted cheese.

Patton Oswalt

Adam Carolla has been leading the fight against politically correct woke culture since before it was cool. His latest book is a must read for all common-sense Americans who are sick and tired of living in a bubble-wrapped world filled with safe spaces and trigger warnings.

Donald Trump Jr.

Adam has done it again! In this book hes managed to make me laugh at one moment, then cry out What an idiot! in the next. His own blue-collar mastery of the language invites the reader into the conversationjust like the podcastso much so that I breezed through the book in only one sitting on the toilet.

Bryan Cranston

Within these pages, you will find written proof that Adam Carolla is insane. Buy this for your uncle.

Jimmy Kimmel

Adam has written a funny, insightful book with a powerful message a bunch of people will manage to be offended by without reading it.

Tim Allen

Adam Carolla is the sort of blue-collar, sit-at-the-end-of-the-bar, sort-of intellectual I enjoy. With an impressive lexicon of metaphors and cultural references he paints hilarious pictures that will keep you entertained for hours. I really enjoyed this book.

Jay Leno

In my view, Adam Carolla is the wittiest observer of contemporary American life in our generation. This book is yet another example of his uniqueness. I can only advise you not to read Im Your Emotional Support Animal in public, as you will laugh out loud so often, people will begin staring at you.

Dennis Prager

Adam Carolla is a liar, a whore, a swindler, a degenerate, and borderline illiterate. But he knows a lot about cars. I mean, a lot.

Alec Baldwin

The Aceman has done it again. Nobody helps us all stay sane while giving us a much needed laugh quite like Adam Carolla. And Im not just saying that because he asked me to.

Rich Eisen

Also by Adam Carolla

In Fifty Years Well All Be Chicks

Rich Man, Poor Man

Not Taco Bell Material

President Me

Daddy, Stop Talking!

A POST HILL PRESS BOOK

Im Your Emotional Support Animal:

Navigating Our All Woke, No Joke Culture

2020 by Adam Carolla

All Rights Reserved

ISBN: 978-1-64293-588-2

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-64293-589-9

Cover photography by Mohr Mohr

Creative direction & design by Danny Klein,
DKLEINDESIGN + CREATIVE, LLC

Interior design & composition, Greg Johnson, Textbook Perfect

This is a work of nonfiction. All people, locations, events, and situations are portrayed to the best of the authors memory.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher.

Post Hill Press

New York Nashville

posthillpress.com

Published in the United States of America

Contents

T his preface is going to be about not having prefaces. It drives me nuts that in our new all woke culture, everyone is scared shitless of the left and feels the need to preface any comment that could potentially offend with, I work with many Hispanics. I have Latino heritage if you go back three generations, before they go on to talk about the chaos at the border, or I have daughters. Im a married man, before they speak on gender-related issues. It shows just how fucking petrified of the Twitter mob every public figure is nowadays. The fact that leftists have talked good people whove never harmed anyone into giving preemptive apologies to nutjobs is outrageous.

Consequently, Im starting with a warning. Im not going to apologize for anything in this book. Im not going to qualify anything in this book. If you dont like something in this book, you can kiss my hairy ass. Im like a country that lets the world know it doesnt negotiate with terrorists who take hostages. Guess what happens? Less hostages get taken. So Im making a mark now. No fucking apologies. As the great Dr. Jordan Peterson said on my podcast, You cant apologize to a mob.

This is all about the progressive movement. Think about those two words. Progressive. Movement. They mean its never going to stop. It starts by moving toward real problems, but when the people in the movement run out of real problems, they still need to keep progressing, keep moving, and thats where were at now. Dig this comparison: smoking. People used to be able to go into restaurants and smoke. They would light up at the table with impunity. Theyd order up a steak with a side of Winstons. Theyd be blowing smoke onto their entre and into their kids faces, and no one would say shit. Then some ancestor to todays progressive woke assholes said, Hey, you cant smoke in the restaurant. Lets make a smoking section for you. The smokers got their cigarettes, their ashtrays, their steaks, and their martinis and went off to the smoking section. Then the woke douchebag showed up in the smoking section and said, Hey, we cant have you smoking in the restaurant. I know theres a smoking section, but the smoke is wafting over into the main dining room. Why dont you just smoke at the bar? All the smokers went, Okay, and moved to the bar. Then the PC pussy said, Hey, I know we said you could smoke at the bar, but now you have to go outside. The smokers put on their jackets and went outside to the patio. Then the progressive prick said, Youve got to get off the property and go out to the sidewalk. And they moved to the sidewalk. Then Captain Cocksucker said, Youre too close to the door. Youre not outside enough. Go to the park. Except now theres no smoking in the park. So everyone went, Fuck it, Im vaping. And then the self-appointed societal hall monitor said, Okay, thats illegal now, too. The question is: Do they hate cigarette smoke, or do they love telling people what to do? I think you know the answer to that one. Im not a gun guy, but Ill tell you who figured this shit out: the NRA. The woke douche from the progressive movement said, Hey, man, do you really need a grenade launcher on your M16? and the NRA guy said, How the fuck else am I gonna light my cigarette?

They laid down a hard line. Charlton Heston declared youd only get his gun from his cold, dead hands. (I hope Chuck was buried with a rifle just to test this theory. By the way, from my cold, dead hands is also my stance on masturbation.) The point is, smokers gave an inch and eventually lost a Marlboro mile.

Its the same with feeding the apology monster on social media. If you dont give people immediate gratification, they move on. These are the kids who got everything they wanted. Theyre a bunch of grown-up Veruca Salts demanding an Oompa Loompa now ! If you just wait them out, theyll move on to their next target. What they want is for you to make them feel like heroes for forcing you to apologize. Its a power trip. If they try to wring you like a bar rag to get tears out of you and you come up dry, they move on. Never apologize. Im not a resident of MAGA country, but I gotta give the devil his due. This is one thing Trump has gotten right, unlike firing me from The Celebrity Apprentice . (More on that and the Trump effect on our culture in chapter two.) Notice that no one ever asks Trump for an apology. They call him Hitler or call for impeachment, but they never call for an apology because they know theyll never get it.