Spike Milligan - Spike Milligan Man of Letters

Edited by Norma Farnes SPIKE MILLIGAN: MAN OF LETTERS Contents I would like to dedicate this book to the
Saint and Saintess
aka
Ashley and Gordon Blakeway
For everything. Foreword Iver always wished to be a man of letters. Well apparently this book does it for me. Unbeknown to me my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me.

All the time I have been working for her . Time and time again she would come into my office when I was concentrating on a TV show, or a book and she would say You must rest, relax, why not write a letter to The Times or someone?, anything to stop me working. I would do her bidding. On the basis of this she is abiut to become rich. However I forgive her, and I will be back in the office next Monday morning working for her as usual. [Spikes original foreword to the first volume of his letters, published in 1977.] Introduction Norma, my name is Will Hammond.

Im an editor at Viking Publishing. Me: Y-e-e-e-s? Wondering what he wanted from me. Ive been looking through our back catalogue and Id like to talk to you about your books The Spike Milligan Letters , Volumes One and Two. I knew he would want something. They always do. We talked for a while and then I told him that in 1994 I had started to collate Volume Three and was possibly two-thirds of the way through that volume.

I had not looked at it since that time because a million other things had taken over called life, and as Eric Sykes would say, It got put on the back burner. Will Hammond became full of enthusiasm and wanted to meet me. At the time I was frantically busy so we arranged a meeting three weeks hence. Mind you, he didnt tell me how charming he was and how devastatingly good-looking he is, or I would have cancelled everything and arranged to meet him the next day. What a pity hes not ten years younger!!! Back to The Spike Milligan Letters . Volume One came about because I was going through a sticky patch and Spike wanted to help me.

Remember he was once a flypaper (his, not mine). This is an extract from my introduction to the first volume and I think it explains everything: I was going through a pretty bad patch a divorce Spike had been through it all, and knew the mental strain only too well. When he discovered I had to pay out money to stay in the flat I was living in he was horrified. And, one morning, when all this was going on, he came into my office and said, How are you off for bread? badly, Ill bet well Ill have to think of a way you can earn some extra, and walked out of the office. I had a lot on my mind at the time, and completely forgot all about it. Until about three or four days later, Spike came into my office and said, Ive been thinking about your bread situation, and I said, Dont bother, Ill get a night job, and he said, seriously, Norm, why dont you go through my files and collate some of my letters ask the publisher if he is interested in putting them into a book.

They might sell, and at least they will tide you over for a bit. And thats how it all started. Mind you, there was a condition. He didnt want to know anything about it, didnt want to be asked an opinion, didnt want to see the choice of letters, or be asked any questions at all (which you can imagine was difficult, making my own choice from thousands of letters he writes every year, to all and sundry). And the position it put me in. A truly magnanimous gesture on his part, and what if he didnt approve, because he still hasnt a clue of what is going into the book what a position to be in? All he has ever said is, Surprise me, and give me the first copy when its ready.

So when I bought a new car in 1994, Spike said to Eric, Shes committed financial suicide again, shes bought herself a new car and Ive told her she had better start on Volume Three, I thought Id better warn you. So here it is. A handful of the letters in the following pages appeared in those two previous volumes. The rest have never been reproduced before. Im sitting at my desk flicking through Volume One and Im smiling at some of the letters and notes. How did we live through all that drama and, more importantly, how did we survive? After what seems like a thousand years, its amazing that I can still smile at some of what I call Spikes Golden Moments.

To me some of them are worth repeating and Id like to include a few notes alongside the letters. Ill mark them and I hope they may make you smile if they make you laugh its a bonus. Its eleven years since Spike died (26 February 2002) and people still ask me, Do you miss him? Reading through the letters and notes in this book, how could I not? Of course I miss the old sod. Norma Farnes 16 April 2013 Part One A MAN OF LETTERS Assorted Misunderstandings R. B. Hodges Esq.

The Director Lyons/Tetley Limited Greenford Middlesex 4 April 1990 Dear Mr Hodges, I cant imagine why you changed square tea bags to round ones because despite this change the tea still tastes the same, is it supposed to. Perhaps if you try an oblong one. Sincerely, Spike Milligan Lyons Tetley Limited Greenford Middlesex 3 May 1990 Dear Spike, Many thanks for your letter and interest in our product. Five years ago we started to develop our Round Tetley Teabag in secret. It all began with a belief that the shape would really appeal to consumers. Since the launch last year 1 million new buyers have confirmed that our instincts were right.

People really do prefer the new round bags and many of them also feel they make a better brew. Youve certainly set us thinking about the oblong, although we feel at the moment our consumers are unlikely to find that as appealing as a round Tetley Teabag. Thank you once again for writing and I hope you enjoy the selection of Lyons Tetley products which are enclosed with my compliments. With best wishes. Yours sincerely, Ken Pringle Marketing Director Ken Pringle Esq. Marketing Director Lyons Tetley Limited Greenford Middlesex 23 May 1990 Dear Ken, Can you tell me when you changed from square to round, what did you do with the corners.

Sincerely, Spike Milligan Lyons Tetley Limited Greenford Middlesex 12 June 1990 Dear Spike, Thank you for your continued interest in our round Tetley teabags. To produce these is not simply a case of cutting the corners off our old square bags. The process is slightly more complex than that, but any excess material that does result is carefully disposed of. Yours sincerely, K. Pringle Marketing Director Ian Anthony Esq. British Broadcasting Corporation 1 April 1982 Dear Ian, Thank you for making a glorious cock-up of the timings between Australia and England, which resulted in phoning my brother whilst he was asleep, and possibly the worst fucking interview I have ever had in my life.

We must do it again sometime. Sincerely, Spike Milligan [Ian Anthony replied: I dont know which of the bastards I work with gave you my name, but I had nothing to do with arranging your interview, and he suggested they had dinner.]