Bob Wiseman - Music Lessons

Little girl asked if I could show her Mary Had a Little Lamb.

No problem.

Really?

Really, select a note any note.

She pressed F. We started ma/ry/had (F, D#, C#), she worked it a few times.

She said I like to make things up.

Thats a sign of a composer. Lets make something up.

Really?

Really.

We played a little improvisation then she changed her mind, returned to Mary Had a Little Lamb. Kept attacking the notes vertically with her fingers and wrist in the same line like a knife stabbing. Asked her to try balancing a miniature plate on her hand which made her hands horizontal with the keys more pianistic but this was also a little exhausting. Took a break and made small talk, she has a lot to say. Wishes she could speak French but her school wont allow it until shes in grade six. She said her parents both speak other languages and when she was younger in daycare she could count to 30 in Chinese.

Could I hear you count in Chinese?

I dont remember anymore. You know what else? My parents were going to take me to China one time but they changed their mind at the airport so we didnt go.

Really?

Really.

Did you know the black keys on the piano are a scale that is used in a lot of Chinese music?

Really?

Really. Lets make something up on the black keys, play anything just black keys and Ill back you up.

Really?

Really.

Proceeded to make something slow, melodic and pentatonic. Her mother noticed from the kitchen and walked into the room listening and beaming that her daughter was doing this.

I said to the mother I heard you guys almost went to China. She looked at her daughter and then me.

Weve never been to China. I dont know why she invents things like that.

Should I or shouldnt I tell her? Kids a composer, just practising making it up.

Sitting in a coffee shop with many seniors in Nanton, AB, one afternoon while touring that area and a Chris Isaak song came over the little restaurant speakers. The clientele started to argue about which Blue Rodeo song this is. At a certain point I couldnt take it any longer and piped in that it wasnt Blue Rodeo, it was Chris Isaak. One guy with anchor tattoos and Popeye forearms looks me in the eye expressionlessly and tells me its definitely Blue Rodeo. Imagine the ace I held up my sleeve which if I tried to use would only confirm to him and his pals that I am a delusional fool, cruisin for a bruisin.

Yesterday I ate celery eggplant curry. I recommend. I listened to a homeless old guy on a bench tell me about seven morning workers he suspected of being up to no good and repaired a broken piano bench leg. I made a smoothie using the $1 bag of strawberries I froze, spotty bananas, mint, peaches, maple syrup & vanilla extract and stood in line at Home Depot to get a refund on my bill statement and wished the in-store music, Two of Us by the Beatles, was replaced with Revolution #9. Would anyone notice, so busy tapping their sandals, balancing fidget spinners, waiting for their turn to complain to someone who is only a cog in a wheel waiting for shift change. It was revealed when I opened my daughters bag from summer camp that she ate everything from her lunch. Im winning. Noticed being in the present and the long gaps between next times noticing. Exported poppier music for gangster doc which the director was curious about after our last meeting. Does what works for me work for him cant tell. Just get to him fast so he has time to consider. I chaperoned the girl on training wheels, stopping only to squeeze a cedars leaves then smell our hands. Didnt drink the grey water from the Tranzac but finished the vegetable stock into the new hummus. Best hummus ever. Will have to check schedule when the call comes in from Hummus Monthly wanting to do a cover story. Music lesson on Skype with woman in Kelowna who uses Mister when she talks to me. I like her song about inequality, dont have the heart to tell her its a hit.

Piano student: how do you make a B part?

Me: you just do something else but vary it from the A part.

Piano student: how do you do that?

Me: like this (makes something up).

Piano student: how did you do that?

Me: I thought about the A part and did something different that didnt sound like A but was in the same key.

Piano student: can you show me that?

Me: sure, but you can do it yourself too. do anything.

Piano student: no way.

Me: yes you can.

Piano student: no way.

Me: yes way.

Piano student: but you already know how.

Me: you just did it.

Piano student: what?

Me: saying no way was your A part then saying but you already know how was your B. they were in the same conversation and you varied it.

Piano student: youre fucking with me.

Me: you just made a bridge (sings youre fucking with me).

Piano student: no way.

Me: back to A.

Piano student: can you just show me that B part?

Me: can I put this on Facebook?

Piano student: no, dont do that.

Me: why not?

Piano student: because Ill look stupid.

Me: I wont say your name.

Piano student: thats our outro.

There was a Toronto pianist who hated G# so much that she decided to never play it ever again. This made it awkward for other musicians to play with her, it even cost her some jobs. Someone at Musicworks wrote an article about her peculiarity and a few months later it must have been noticed by the President of America because he started mentioning her in speeches and calling her music the best music ever written in the world superior and strong he favoured white keys. Next she was offered a job in Washington making interstitial sequences for Presidential speeches. She was also offered a sports car, her own recording studio and a hassle-free P2 visa. She liked the new life.

Then one day while waiting at a railway crossing idling her purple AMG C-Class Cabriolet she noticed the hum of railway cars and it reminded her of a pattern she used to play in F. This led to thinking about the fingering that never felt right in G#. And then she imagined an alternative way to whiz thru G# eureka. As soon as she got home she tested the daydream and it worked. Now she could skate around G# as easily as F or D or A. This changed everything and she returned to playing in all keys. Meanwhile people had started publishing articles about the 11-tone octave concept. Music clubs had started programming festivals without G# and in certain circles one ran the risk of great embarrassment to admit they still listened to anything in G#. When people heard about her new perspective they called her a sellout. The president was also displeased and fired her and told Fox and Friends, I always had a bad feeling about her. They launched an audit resulting in financial penalties and forfeiture of the car and rescinded her visa.

She moved back to her parents house in North York and wrote a memoir,