Clint Margrave - Lying Bastard

Praise for Lying Bastard

Clint Margraves novel Lying Bastard is an insightful, wickedly funny and devastatingly-on-target satire... In the black sardonic manner of Cline and Bukowski, Margrave manages to brilliantly satirize the contemporary American college system... while also commenting on the broader malaise of contemporary barely- getting-by working class America in general. Fred Voss, author of Robots Have No Bones

A darkly humorous novel following a defeated adjunct professor as he contemplates the bleak mundanity of his life, his fellow travellers and even the prospect of his death. Sardonic but not cynical, jaded and yet tender, Berlin Saunders is a touching but uncomfortable observer of the state of being human. Helen Pluckrose, editor of Areo Magazine

In an age when the creative imagination has been colonized by shallow fantasy epics that never seem to end, in an age when artists are afraid to tell (or even think) the truth, its such a relief to encounter a first novel with as much spirit and intensity and raw authenticity as Lying Bastard. This is muscular writing informed and built upon actual lived experience. The squeamish and the sensitive need not apply. The shades of Knut Hamsun and John Fante and Hubert Selby Jr. haunt these pages. You have been warned. Robert Guffey, author of Chameleo and Until the Last Dog Dies

Copyright Clint Margrave, 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

ISBN: 9781733352642

Run Amok Books, 2020

First Edition

Lying Bastard

a novel

By Clint Margrave

Lying Bastard

Instructor: Berlin Saunders Class: HUM 302

Office: N/A

Office Hours: N/A Spring 2008

Time: 10:25-11:40 a.m.

Days: MW

Part 1: Introduction to the Class

Week 1

Chapter 1: O Captain! My Captain!

Chapter 2: Prerequisites Chapter 3: Coarse Objectives

Week 2

Chapter 4: Grade Will Reflect

Chapter 5: Coarse Policies

Chapter 6: A Portrait of the Adjunct as a Young Man

Week 3

Chapter 7: Office Hours

Chapter 8: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Copy Credits Chapter 9: Withdrawal Policy

Week 4

Chapter 10: Absences

Chapter 11: Prof-Reading Chapter 12: Participation Points

Week 5

Chapter 13: Coarse Descriptions

Chapter 14: Handouts Chapter 15: Role Call

Week 6

Chapter 16: WAC

Chapter 17: Coarse Requirements Chapter 18: Assignments

Week 7

Chapter 19: Practice Test

Chapter 20: Errant Nights

Part II: Midterm

Week 8

Chapter 21: Required Texts

Chapter 22: Rules for Writers Chapter 23: Establishing Authority

Week 9

Chapter 24: The Love Song of J. Adjunct Saunders

Chapter 25: Subordination/Coordination Chapter 26: Oral Presentations

Week 10

Chapter 27: Give Me Liberty or Give Me Debt?

Chapter 28: Summary/Response Chapter 29: Models for Writers

Spring Break

Week 11

Chapter 30: Taking a Position Chapter 31: Club Book

Chapter 32: Attendance Is Mandatory

Week 12

Chapter 33: Professional Development

Chapter 34: Additional Materials Chapter 35: Coarse Evaluation

Week 13

Chapter 36: Secondary Sources

Chapter 37: Support Services Chapter 38: Target Audience

Week 14

Chapter 39: Make-Up Policy

Chapter 40: Signal Phrases Chapter 41: Pier Review

Week 15

Chapter 42: In Conclusion

Chapter 43: Coarse Conduct

Part III Final Exam

Chapter 44: Classroom Etiquette

CHAPTER 1: O Captain! My Captain!

For Berlin Saunders, playing dead came easy. He had been teaching English Composition at the city college in Long Beach for twelve years already and knew better than anyone what faking it was. But today he feared the worst. It was certainly not the most vicious attack he had experienced that day, only the most violent. Barely twenty minutes before the gunman barged into his classroom, he had been upstairs defending himself against a negative performance evaluation given by Harry Crawfordchair of the English Department and author of the self-published, mandatory classroom schlock Au Revoir, Strunk and White! Too bad the prick hadnt shown up for the classroom observation today instead of a month ago. Not only that, Saunders was quite possibly giving the best performance of his life right now.

He wondered why, even while lying facedown on the classroom floor, Crawfords evaluation bothered him so much. Shouldnt he, if anything, be thinking of a way out of this? Or was his life flashing before his eyes just a stern reminder it was okay to die? He had been trying to find a way to kill himself all semester, and maybe, just maybe, the gods decided to place matters in someone elses hands. But who better qualified than Saunders himself? He had spent almost the entire semester revising his suicide note (sometimes, he thought, his being a stickler was the only thing that kept him alive), and wasnt about to waste his death on somebody else. And where did the gunman go? When, if at all, would he be returning? Was it safe yet to open his eyes?

It had been no coincidence that Crawford snubbed Saunders in his evaluation, given their shared history with Kathy Stone, Professor of Womens Studies, and newly deemed co-author of the revised edition of Au Revoir . For five years, Kathy had been Saunderss lover. At the end of last semester, their relationship crumbled one drunken night when Saunders admitted to her that not only did he hate The Yellow Wallpaper, but Charlotte Perkins Gilman was, perhaps, the most hideous-looking woman in American literature. Appalled at the inappropriateness of his misogynistic behavior, and unable to forgive him for it, Kathy threw a glass of wine at his chest, and later sought refuge in Crawford, a man who up until then Saunders believed to be gay.

But as much as he hated to admit it, Au Revoir hadat least temporarilysaved him. He had been standing at the front of the classroom, readying himself to give the final lesson of the semester, book-in-hand, when the masked gunman swung open the door and started firing. The shock of being hit made him fall back, but the book stopped the impact of the bullet. It was enough to startle him, but not enough to kill him. At first, he lay there and waited on death. When he failed to feel any pain, he began to realize that he had been spared. The only thing to do was to fake it until he was safe again.

Saunders couldnt help but feel that somehow this was all his fault. Though he couldnt see the gunmans face, he thought he knew for certain who it was. After all, Adam Rowan hadnt shown up for class this morning. Adam was over a decade younger than Saunders, but had struck up a most unlikely bond with him.

In some ways, given the current circumstances, living through this attack might not be the best thing. At least if he died, a chance existed he could be martyred. But in staying alive, nothing could be done about ithe would be chastised for not reporting what the administration would call warning signs.

Saunders felt the old twitch in his left eye return. It was something he had developed a couple semesters ago. The doctor told him the twitching was stress-related, and gave him a free sample of a medication called Exstress , which Saunders hadnt ended up taking, but had noticed a typo on the packaging that said, designed specifically to help you relive stress.

What really got him was he hadnt even been slated to teach this section. Tom Corona had begged him to switch at the last minute so he could do more committee work, something Tom had desperately needed for his CV since he was applying for the full-time tenure-track position in the department this yeara dream Saunders himself once courted, but had recently given up.