Dickins - My Groupon Adventure

I dont love you anymore, she said. Jen couldnt look me in the eye; instead she stared at the floor and played with her hands. Im sorry. But I think we should break up. I shuffled slightly on the cold wooden bench and gazed off intensely into the middle distance. I had not seen this coming. For the next few minutes we sat in silence. Finally, Jen spoke again:

I cant believe youve dressed up as Batman.

I thought I thought it would be funny. You know, like a wacky surprise.

Its really inappropriate.

Well, I didnt know you were going to dump me, did I?

Jen had ditched me and shed chosen to do it in a cemetery. So, although devastated, I couldnt help but admire her inherent sense of motif. She was the Steven Spielberg of break-ups. The only way the symbolism could have been any more apt was if a mangy old Rottweiler walked into view chewing on a beating heart. But why Jen? Baby! Weve never had a row I dont understand? Yes, I called her Baby. I admit it. It was one of many pet names I had for her at the time, including Honey, Sugar Plum, and The Fat Controller. She hated that one. Jen had nicknames for me too. Notably Sledgehammer and Mega Cock.

Jen looked awkwardly at the floor again. I just dont feel like I did. Im sorry. My eyes felt like they were burning. But I didnt want to cry because I was dressed as Batman and Id just look like a Fathers for Justice protester. I promised myself that whatever happened I would leave this conversation with my dignity intact. I wasnt going to get hysterical and make an idiot of myself. No way. I wasnt going to give her the satisfaction.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME! Ill do anything! JEN I CAN CHANGE! PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME! Tell me! What did I do wrong?

She rolled her eyes. Max dont she said, please. No, tell me. Whats the problem? Is it because of that time I made your blind uncle stroke an aubergine and told him it was a dolphin?

I didnt know you did that.

Oh right ummm is it because I tried to kiss your mum last New Years Eve?

I didnt know that either.

Oh shit, well, I was really drunk and I thought we were having a moment, but it turned out she was just offering me some crisps forget about it. But if not that, then what? WHATS WRONG WITH ME? AM I REALLY SUCH A DISGUSTING LEPER!

Jen paused to gather her thoughts. Well if you must know youre just not very spontaneous, she said. Then, ironically, I spontaneously burst into tears. At this point a young boy came over with his mother, who asked whether her son could have a photo with Batman. I nodded with resignation, put my arm around the lad, and his mum did the rest. The boy clocked my sobs.

Why are you crying, Batman?

Because Robin doesnt want to play with me anymore, I said.

Ill play with you, Batman?

No. That would be inappropriate.

The boy was then led off urgently by his mother, who shook her head at me like I had somehow let her down. As if introducing a child to a man crying in a cemetery, whilst dressed as a bat, was ever going to end well. I composed myself long enough to look Jen in the eye and plead, Im still the same person you fell in love with, you know? Exactly, she said, thats the problem. Then she kissed me on the cheek and walked away. On cue, it started to rain. I dont know how she does it.

I trudged back from the cemetery to my parents house where, at 25 years of age, I was still living. I shut myself in my room and for the next fortnight I barely left. I retreated from the world, anchored indoors by the heavy scar tissue of a broken heart. Marooned in existential molasses, I spent all my time alone, trapped in an internet labyrinth of tits and trivia. Things were bleak. I vividly remember accidentally opening the Recently Searched tab on my internet browser one day, and it was the most depressing thing Id ever read, a harrowing glimpse into my life at the time: