Spencer Shawn - Psychs Guide to Crime Fighting for the Totally Unqualified

GuidetoCrimeFightingfortheTotallyUnqualifiedpsychs

ALSOBYSHAWNSPENCERWhatIDidovertheSummer(fourth-,fifth-,andsixth-gradeessays)DearCarnivalCruiseLines(UnansweredmissivetoCarnivalCruiseLines)SendThistoEveryOneofYourFriends(Anoriginalchainletter,stillincirculation)Hypoglycemia:TheMusical(Asyetunproducedstageproduction)psychs

GuidetoCrimeFightingfortheTotallyUnqualified1SHAWNSPENCERWITHBURTONGUSTERandChad Gervich1Or,TheUnlicensedDetectivesGuidetoCrimeSolvingaaOr,MarkofGenius:ConversationswithShawnSpencerbbOr,Eat,Love,PlayStreetFighterccOr,TheNew(er)TestamentddOr,PostmodernRepresentationsofthePhallusinPre-NeoclassicismeeOr,WhyImNoLongerLoaningGusMyiPadNEWYORKBOSTONpsychs

Copyright2013byUniversalCityStudiosProductionsLLLPAllrightsreserved.InaccordancewiththeU.S.CopyrightActof1976,thescanning,uploading,andelectronicsharingofanypartofthisbookwithoutthepermissionofthepublisherisunlawfulpiracyandtheftoftheauthorsintellectualproperty.Ifyouwouldliketousematerialfromthebook(otherthanforreviewpurposes),priorwrittenpermissionmustbeobtainedbycontactingthepublisheratpermissions@hbgusa.com.Thankyouforyoursupportoftheauthorsrights.AllillustrationsarebyStevenParkeunlessotherwiseindicated.AllphotosarecourtesyofNBCUniversalunlessotherwiseindicated.AllShutterstock.comimagesarecopyrighted2013andunderlicensefromShutterstock.com.Seepage290foradditionalcopyrightinformation.DesignedbyTimothyShaner,NightandDayDesign.bizGrandCentralPublishingHachetteBookGroup237ParkAvenueNewYork,NY10017HachetteBookGroup.comFirsteBookEdition:May2013GrandCentralPublishingisadivisionofHachetteBookGroup,Inc.TheGrandCentralPublishingnameandlogoisatrademarkofHachetteBookGroup,Inc.Psych is a copyright of Universal Network Television LLC. Licensed by NBCUniversalTelevision Consumer Products Group 2013. All Rights Reserved.TheHachetteSpeakersBureauprovidesawiderangeofauthorsforspeakingevents.Tofindoutmore,gotowww.hachettespeakersbureau.comorcall(866)376-6591.Thepublisherisnotresponsibleforwebsites(ortheircontent)thatarenotownedbythepublisher.LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataSpencer,Shawn.Psychsguidetocrimefightingforthetotallyunqualified/ShawnSpencer;withBurtonGuster.Firstedition.pagescmISBN978-1-4555-1286-7(tradepbk.)eISBN978-1-4555-1285-0(ebook)1.Psych(Televisionprogram)I.Title.PN1992.77.P75S642013791.45'72dc232012045969

Toamanwhosesteadfastandpassionatededicationtoallthingsgoodhasremainedaninfinitesourceofenlightenmentandinspiration.Thisonesforyou,BillyZane.

Contents

ContentsForeword.............................................xAuthorsNote.......................................xiiiIntroduction............................................1Chapter1SettingUpShop.......................................3Chapter1.2SidekicksandWhyYouNeedOne...................49Chapter2TakingaBiteoutofCrime...........................59Chapter2.1Gus,WhyAreYouBeingSoAnnoyingToday?..........101Chapter3InvestigationNation:WorkingintheField.............107Chapter3.2ImNottheOneBeingAnnoying,Shawn,andWhereAreMyCocoaPuffs?......................177Chapter4Cops,Coroners,andOtherProfessionalRoadblocks.....181Chapter%CaseClosed:Accusations&MakingArrests,orSpectacularWaystoBringSomeoneDown............247Epilogue..............................................285Afterword.........................................286After-Afterword....................................287Acknowledgments...................................289

...Andthesechildrenthatyouspitonastheytrytochangetheirworldsareimmunetoyourconsultations.TheyrequiteawareofwhattheyregoingthroughDAVIDBOWIE,CHANGES

xForewordIthoughtIdstartbytellingyouwould-besleuthsyoureingoodhands.ShawnSpencerisnothingifnotahellofadetective.AndImnotonlysayingthisbecausehesmountedmyexercisebikeandrefusestogetoff,Imsayingitbecauseitisso.ItwasntlongafterwefirstmetthatIhappeneduponhimunexpectedlybetweentunesataTearsforFearsshowattheSantaBarbaraCivic.Iwasswappingoutonebassguitarforanother(asonedoes)onlytodiscovermyinstrumentbeinghandedtomenotbymylongtimeguitartech,Ivan,butbyShawn!Heexplainedhedbeenhiredbythevenuesmanagementtoinvestigatesomesuspiciousgoings-onwiththeirsecuritystaff.ThenheaskedmetoautographthebackofhisneckwithaSharpie,butIhadasettofinish.Heturnedupagainattheafter-party,whereIwitnessedhimdressdownatrioofnefariouscharactersallofwhomwerearrestedwhilechattingupourroadmanagerandscarfingdownnofewerthanforty-fivemintOreos.Iveneverseenanythinglikeit.AndImalegendaryrockicon.Iveseenthings.Ihavesincecrossedpathswithhimnumeroustimes,insomeverysur-prisingplaces(theproducedepartmentatWholeFoods,theTFFtourbus,

xiForewordthebirthofmyseconddaughter)andhesalwaysembroiledinsomekindofcase,manyofwhicharedetailedintheseverypages.Ifyouvegotdesignsonafutureasaprivateeye,thisbookwillsetyouonthepath.Infact,afterreadingit,InotonlydiscoveredWhoKilledTangerine,Ialsodis-coveredexactlywheretheSeedsofLoveAreSown(Omaha,actu-ally).IvewonderedaboutthatstuffforlongerthanIcaretoremember.Enjoythebook.Itsnotjustgoingtomakeyouabetterdetective,itsgoingtomakeyouabetterperson.Shawnmaybemorethanafewbricksshortofafullload,butheknowswhathesdoing.Ifonlyhedgetoffmyexercisebike.CurtSmithLosAngeles,CAwww.legendaryrockicon.com

AuthorsNoteBecauseGrandCentralPublishingwastoocheaptoprovideanactualeditor,thisbookwaseditedprimarilybyfriendsandcolleagues,soeverythingonthesepageshasbeenquadruplefact-checkedbyactualcops,apharmaceuticalsalesman,andaretireewhosreadThePelicanBriefseventeentimes.Ifthereareanymistakes,factualorotherwise,blamethem.

Introduction