About the Author
Stevyn Colgan is an author, artist, public speaker and oddly-spelled Cornishman.
He has, among other things, been a chef, a brewer, a milkman, a comics publisher and the official artist for the 2006 UK National Childrens Book Fair. Hes written briefing notes for two prime ministers, TV scripts for Gerry Anderson, helped build dinosaur skeletons for the Natural History Museum and movie monsters for Bruce Willis to shoot at.
But for 30 years he was a police officer in London, during which time he was set on fire twice, was sworn at by a royal, met two US presidents and a pope, was kissed by Princess Diana and let Freddie Mercury wear his helmet. In between such events he was part of the Metropolitan Polices experimental Problem Solving Unit.
He is a consultant for change agency Left/Field London and was a judge for the 2014 Transmission Awards for the Communication of Ideas. He is a visiting lecturer at a number of UK universities and has given hundreds of talks across the UK and USA.
He is also one of the elves that research and write the popular BBC TV series QI and its sister show, The Museum of Curiosity, for BBC Radio 4.
Also by Stevyn Colgan
Joined-Up Thinking
Henhwedhlow: The Clotted Cream of Cornish Folktales
Constable Colgans Connectoscope
The Third Condiment
Colgeroons
Saving Bletchley Park (With Dr Sue Black OBE)
As a contributor
I Remember: Reflections on Fishing and Childhood
Ottakars Local History: High Wycombe
The QI F Annual
The QI G Annual
The QI H Annual
The EFG Bumper Book of QI Annuals
This edition first published in 2016
Unbound
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All rights reserved
Stevyn Colgan, 2016
The right of Stevyn Colgan to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. No part of this publication may be copied, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
While every effort has been made to trace the owners of copyright material reproduced herein, the publisher would like to apologise for any omissions and will be pleased to incorporate missing acknowledgments in any further editions.
Text Design by PDQ
A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 978-1-78352-233-0 (trade hbk)
ISBN 978-1-78352-234-7 (ebook)
ISBN 978-1-78352-286-6 (limited edition)
Printed in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK)
Dedicated to the unsung heroes who work in the public sector who never get the recognition they deserve
but get all the stick they dont.
Contents
Prologue xv
1: Slobby to Bobby 1
2: The Tribe of Bin 21
3: If the dragon says no... 46
4: The Wizard of Waltham Forest 77
5: The ape that moved a planet 103
6: No one ever got sent on a linear thinking course 130
7: Lobsternomics 155
8: Rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic 178
9: The phantom bus stops of Dsseldorf 202
10: The sensuous adventures of Kiki and Bouba 230
11: The R Factor 258
Epilogue: To get to the other side 280
A bibliography and full list of sources used in this book can be accessed at:
https://colganology.wordpress.com/why-did-the-policeman-cross-the-road-references-and-sources/
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Authors Note:
One curious fact about leaving the police service is that, as soon as youve handed in your warrant card and hung up your helmet and boots, its like you were never a cop. All access to police buildings and IT systems is immediately rescinded, and you cant even read reports you wrote without applying for a copy via a Freedom of Information Act request. For this reason, much of this book is written from memory, supported by entries in my own personal diaries, press reports and by the recollections of ex-colleagues who were present with me when certain events took place.
I am also acutely aware that I signed lots of scary-looking pieces of paper including the Official Secrets Act when I was a nave young recruit and Im not stupid enough to write anything that might see me banged up in the Tower of London or living the life of a whistle-blower on the run. Therefore, some details have been changed and persons/places made anonymous to avoid corporate embarrassment, or breaches of security, and to protect individuals who may still be involved in sensitive or covert operations. Where I have not been able to clear permissions, I have used generalised or invented locations and have not named any of the individuals involved.
None of this will affect the validity of the stories you are about to read.
All views expressed are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of any of the organisations featured in this book.
Prologue
For every complex problem there is a simple solution and it is always wrong.
H L Mencken
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
Charles Kettering
In 2002 a London council was getting complaints from the public about drunks monopolising the benches in a particular public park. So they decided to remove the benches and, therefore, the source of the complaints. It was, they believed, the simplest solution to their problem.
No benches = no drunks = no complaints.
However, the complaints increased tenfold and got angrier. Most came from disabled people, pensioners and young parents who now had nowhere to sit. But the strongest complaints came from the families who had sponsored the benches, all of which bore plaques memorialising a loved one.