Gephart - How to Survive Middle School

Thanks to Tina Wexler for being both an excellent agent and a wonderful friend.

My stories are always in good hands when theyre in the hands of my editor, Stephanie Elliott. Stephanie invests much time and heart into finding what belongs in a story and what doesnt. Its a privilege to work with her and her assistant, Krista Vitola.

Im grateful to the talented people at Random House for endless encouragement and support during every step of the publishing process.

Middle-school media specialist Lisa Petroccia, who is a master at creating video projects with the students, assisted with my research.

Thanks to the WIMS news team for allowing me to watch them in action, especially Paola for teaching me about the equipment.

Lawrence Schimel and Caren Wilder helped with a Spanish translation. Gracias!

Caren also gave me the Jewish apple cake recipe many years ago, never imagining it would end up in a book.

Elysa Graber-Lipperman and her lovely daughter, Amelia, read an early draft and provided useful feedback.

Much appreciation to Riley Roam and Kenny Mikey from Page Turner Adventures (www.pageturneradventures.com) for their excellent work on the videos and for their valued friendship.

Love and gratitude to my Sunday writing groupSensational Sylvia, Lovely Linda, Debonair Dan, Jazzy Jill, Capable Carole, Knowledgeable Kieran and Positively Peterfor laughing in all the right places.

The first day of summer vacation is important, because what you do that day sets the tone for the rest of summer.

Thats why my best friend, Elliott Berger, is coming over to watch the Daily Show episodes Ive recorded. Mom and I used to watch them together. She always said the host, Jon Stewart, stood up for the little guy, which is funny, because Jon Stewart is a little guyfive feet seven inches. According to Wikipedia, the average height for men in the United States is five feet nine and a half inches.

Lets just say I can totally relate to Jons height issue.

Anyway, I record other shows, like The Colbert Report and Late Show, too, but mostly Elliott and I watch The Daily Show. We both think Jon Stewart is hilarious and a great interviewer. Someday Im going to be a famous talk show host like Jon.

He and I have a lot in common.

1. Were both Jewish.

2. We both have our own talk showsbut mines different from his. Its called TalkTime and I post the shows on YouTube.

3. Were both vertically challenged (but I still have time to grow).

Since Elliott wont be here for a while, I shoot my first TalkTime of the summer without him.

First I set up the studio (aka my bedroom) by taping a poster of New York Citys skyline on my wall, kind of like they do on the Late Show with David Letterman. That way it looks like Im shooting in an exciting location instead of boring Bensalem, Pennsylvania, where the biggest news is that they opened a Golden Corral buffet restaurant on Street Road. (Yes, I know thats a weird name for a road, but thats what its called. Its almost as stupid as parking in a driveway and driving on a parkway.)

Anyway, next I make sure my special guest is ready in the greenroom (aka the bathroom).

He is.

Finally, I set my camera on the tripod in my bedroom, bang two empty paper-towel rolls together and say, Action!

Using my best talk show host voice, I begin: Welcome to TalkTime with David Greenberg. I scribble on a piece of paper with a grand flourish, like Jon Stewart does on The Daily Show. Then I crumple the paper, toss it into my laundry basket and keep talking. Its our first show of the summer and its going to be a hot one. Ha! Ha!

I hear Hammys wheel spin like crazy, so I turn the camera toward his cage and give him a close-up. And now, I say, your moment of Hammy. As though on cue, Hammy hops off his wheel, looks up and twitches his whiskers.

I smile and think about how Ill edit that later, showing a split screenHammy on the right, credits scrolling on the left.

I point the camera back at myself and sit in front of fake New York. Before we get to todays special guest, its time for Top Six and a Half with David Greenberg.

Top Six and a Half Things That I, David Todd Greenberg, Will Miss About Longwood Elementary School.

One: The lunch lady who snuck ice cream onto my tray every Friday. By the way, awesome hairnet, lunch lady.

Two: Student of the Week, which I won a total of seven timesmore than anyone in the history of Longwood El. Wahoo!

I pace around my room until I come up with number three. Three: Helping Ms. Florez in the TV studio with morning announcements. She said I was the best news anchor she ever had.

I pace again and trip on the tripod. The camera topples, but I catch it. I can edit that out later, though itll make a weird jump in the action. It would probably be safer if I wrote my Top Six and a Half before I filmed them!

Back in front of fake New York, I take a deep breath and say, Four: Spanish Club.

Five: Academic Games.

Six: Watching Coach Lukasik, who is definitely not vertically challengedthat man could be an NBA superstarhula hoop during P.E. with the girls.

And the thing Ill miss most about Longwood El?

Six and one-half: Everything!

I turn off the camera and flop onto my bed. I wish Longwood El didnt stop after fifth grade. When my sister, Lindsay, whos fourteen now, went there, it went through sixth. That was before the overcrowding problem.

Now sixth grade is at Harman Middle School. Ive heard rumors about HarmanHarm Man!but theyre probably just meant to scare incoming sixth graders. Lindsay graduated from Harman and shes fine. I mean, except for her face, which is almost always covered with zits.

Middle school, Im sure, will be great.

I turn the camera on again and sit tall. Now its time for our special guest. And he happens to be none other than the ultrafamous Oh, wait a second, hes still in the greenroom. Lets surprise him.

I grab my camera from the tripod and walk along the hallway, then I kick open the bathroom door. Inside, I zoom in on the cover of the Entertainment Weekly lying on the toilet lid and say, Our guest today is the veeeery famous talk show host Jon Stewart. I remind myself to add applause later when I edit the show on my computer. I hold the magazine to get a good shot of Jons photo, his trademark goofy grin beaming up from the cover.

I imagine my picture on the cover of Entertainment Weekly someday. If Mom ever saw me on a magazine cover in a store, shed probably borrow a strangers cell phone right then and there and call me, screaming with excitement. I grin, just like Jon Stewart.

Someday.

But for now, I put the camera on the bathroom counter, point it toward myself and kneel so Im lined up with it. This isnt easy. I should probably wait until Elliotts here to shoot this part so he can hold the camera, or I should at least get my tripod, but Im on a roll, so I keep going.

Is it true you played the French horn in the school band? I ask Magazine Cover Jon. I know its true, because I looked it up, and I think its interesting because my mom plays the tuba.