Herriot - The Lord God made them all

TO ZOE

latest beautiful grandchild

All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures great and small,

All things wise and wonderful,

The Lord God made them all.

CECIL FRANCES ALEXANDER, 1818-1895

WHEN THE GATE FELL on top of me I knew I was really back home.

My mind drifted effortlessly back to the days before my spell in the R.A.F., and I recalled the last time I had visited the Ripleys. It was to nip some calves, as Mr. Ripley said over the phone, or more correctly to emasculate them by means of the Burdizzo bloodless castrator, and with his summons I realised that a large part of my morning had gone.

It was always something of a safari to visit Anson Hall, because the old house lay at the end of a ridged and rutted track that twisted across the fields through no fewer than seven gates.

Gates are one of the curses of a country vets life and in the Yorkshire Dales, before the coming of cattle grids, we suffered more than most. We were resigned to opening two or three on many farms but seven was a bit much. And at the Ripleys it wasnt just the number but the character.

The first one, which led off the narrow road, was reasonably normalan ancient thing of rusty ironbut when unlatched, it did at least swing round, groaning on its hinges. It was the only one that swung; the others were of wood and of the type known in the Dales as shoulder gates. I could see how they got their name as I hoisted each one up, balanced the top spar on my shoulder and dragged it round. These had no hinges but were tied at one end with binder twine, top and bottom.

Even with an ordinary gate there is a fair amount of work involved. You have to stop the car, get out, open the gate, drive through, stop the car again, dismount and close the thing behind you. But the road to Anson Hall was hard labour. The gates deteriorated progressively as I approached the farm, and I was puffing with my efforts as I bumped and rattled my way up to number seven.

This was the last and the most formidablea malignant entity with a personality of its own. Over decades it had been patched and repaired with so many old timbers that probably none of the original structure remained. But it was dangerous.

I got out of the car and advanced a few steps. We were old foes, this gate and I, and we faced each other for some moments in the silence. We had fought several brisk rounds in the past and there was no doubt the gate was ahead on points.

The difficulty was that, apart from its wobbly, loosely nailed eccentricity, it had only one string hinge, halfway down. This enabled it to pivot on its frail axis with deadly effect.

With the utmost care I approached the right-hand side and began to unfasten the binder twine. The string, I noted bitterly, like all the others was neatly tied in a bow, and as it fell clear I grabbed hastily at the top spar. But I was too late. Like a live thing the bottom rail swung in and rapped me cruelly on the shins, and as I tried to correct the balance the top bashed my chest.

It was the same as all the other times. As I hauled it round an inch at a time, the gate buffeted me high and low. I was no match for it.

It was no help to see Mr. Ripley watching me benevolently from the farmhouse doorway. While I wrestled the gate open, contented puffs rose from the farmers pipe and he did not stir from his position until I had hobbled over the last stretch of grass and stood before him.

Now then, Mr. Herriot, youve come to nip me a few calves? A smile of unaffected friendship creased the stubbled cheeks. Mr. Ripley shaved once a weekon market dayconsidering, with some logic, that since only his wife and his cattle saw him on the other six days there was no point in scraping away at his face every morning with a razor.

I bent and massaged my bruised ankles. Mr. Ripley, that gate! Its a menace! Do you remember that last time I was here you promised me faithfully youd have it mended? In fact you said youd get a new oneits about time, isnt it?

Aye, youre right, young man, Mr. Ripley said, nodding his head in profound agreement. Ah did say that, but tha knaws, its one o them little jobs which never seem to get done. He chuckled ruefully, but his expression altered to concern when I wound up my trouser leg and revealed a long abrasion on my shin.

Eee, thats a shame; thats settled it. Therell be a new gate on there by next week. Ahll guarantee it.

But Mr. Ripley, thats exactly what you said last time when you saw the blood running down my knee. Those were your very words. You said youd guarantee it.

Aye, I knaw, I knaw. The farmer tamped down the tobacco with his thumb and got his pipe going again to his satisfaction. Me missus is allus on to me about me bad memory, but dont worry, Mr. Herriot, Ive had me lesson today. Im right sorry about your leg, and that gatell never bother ye again. Ah guarantee it.

Okay, okay, I said and limped over to the car for the Burdizzo. Where are the calves, anyway?

Mr. Ripley crossed the farmyard unhurriedly and opened the half door on a loose box. Theyre in there.

For a moment I stood transfixed as a row of huge, shaggy heads regarded me impassively over the timbers, then I extended a trembling finger. Do you mean those?

The farmer nodded happily. Aye, thems them.

I went forward and looked into the box. There were eight strapping yearlings in there, some of them returning my stare with mild interest, others cavorting and kicking up their heels among the straw. I turned to the farmer. Youve done it again, havent you?

Eh?

You asked me to come and nip some calves. Those arent calves, theyre bulls! And it was the same last time. Remember those monsters you had in the same box? I nearly ruptured myself closing the nippers, and you said youd get them done at three months old in future. In fact you said youd guarantee it.

The farmer nodded solemnly in agreement. He always agreed one hundred percent with everything I said. Thats correct, Mr. Herriot. Thats what ah said.

But these animals are at least a year old!

Mr. Ripley shrugged and gave me a world-weary smile. Aye, well, time gets on, doesnt it? Fairly races by.

I returned to the car for the local anaesthetic. All right, I grunted as I filled the syringe. If you can catch them Ill see what I can do. The farmer lifted a rope halter from a hook on the wall and approached one of the big beasts, murmuring encouragingly. He snared the nose with surprising ease, dropping the loops over nose and horn with perfect timing as the animal tried to plunge past him. Then he passed the rope through a ring on the wall and pulled it tight.

There yare, Mr. Herriot. That wasnt much trouble was it?

I didnt say anything. I was the one who was going to have the trouble. I was working at the wrong end, nicely in range of the hooves which would surely start flying if my patients didnt appreciate having a needle stuck into their testicles.

Anyway, it had to be done. One by one I infiltrated the scrotal area with the local, taking the blows on my arms and legs as they came. Then I started the actual process of castration, the bloodless crushing of the spermatic cord without breaking the skin. There was no doubt this was a big advance on the old method of incising the scrotum with a knife and in little calves it was a trifling business lasting only a few seconds.

But it was altogether different with these vast creatures. It was necessary to open the arms of the Burdizzo beyond right angles to grip the great fleshy scrotum, and then they had to be closed again. That was when the fun started.