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Blumberg-Kason - Good Chinese Wife A Love Affaire With China Gone Wrong

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Blumberg-Kason Good Chinese Wife A Love Affaire With China Gone Wrong

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A stunning memoir of an intercultural marriage gone wrong

When Susan, a shy Midwesterner in love with Chinese culture, started graduate school in Hong Kong, she quickly fell for Cai, the Chinese man of her dreams. As they exchanged vows, Susan thought shed stumbled into an exotic fairy tale, until she realized Caiand his culturewere not what she thought.

In her riveting memoir, Susan recounts her struggle to be the perfect traditional Chinese wife to her increasingly controlling and abusive husband. With keen insight and heart-wrenching candor, she confronts the hopes and hazards of intercultural marriage, including dismissing her own values and needs to save her relationship and protect her newborn son, Jake. But when Cai threatens to take Jake back to China for good, Susan must find the courage to stand up for herself, her son, and her future.

Moving between rural China and the bustling cities of Hong Kong and San Francisco, Good Chinese...

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Copyright 2014 by Susan Blumberg-Kason Cover and internal design 2014 by - photo 1

Copyright 2014 by Susan Blumberg-Kason Cover and internal design 2014 by - photo 2

Copyright 2014 by Susan Blumberg-Kason

Cover and internal design 2014 by Sourcebooks, Inc.

Cover design by Black Kat Design

Cover image Maria Dorner/PlainPicture-Rauschen

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systemsexcept in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviewswithout permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.

All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book.

This book is a memoir. It reflects the authors present recollections of experiences over a period of years. Some names and characteristics have been changed, some events have been compressed, and some dialogue has been re-created.

Published by Sourcebooks, Inc.

P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410

(630) 961-3900

Fax: (630) 961-2168

www.sourcebooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is on file with the publisher.

Contents

For my family Tom Jake Rachel and Martin Authors Note I have changed - photo 3

For my family: Tom, Jake, Rachel, and Martin

Authors Note

I have changed the names of most people in this book to protect their - photo 4

I have changed the names of most people in this book to protect their identities. For the sake of storytelling, I have consolidated a couple of secondary characters and have changed the location of one small scene from Chicago to San Francisco. To keep with the flavor of the story, I have included some Chinese dialogue, most of which uses the pinyin system of romanization thats been prevalent in mainland China since the 1950s. Ive also used a little Cantonese romanization and the local Hubei province dialect from my former in-laws hometown. As Ive briefly mentioned in the book, Chinese family names appear first, so Cai Juns family name is Cai (pronounced Tsai) and his given name is Jun. Thus, his fathers and sisters names also begin with the family name of Cai. Women in China do not change their names when they marry, but its quite common for non-Chinese women to take their Chinese husbands names.

Prologue

Now tell me something Cai said holding my hands in his What about me do you - photo 5

Now tell me something, Cai said, holding my hands in his. What about me do you love?

Everything. I could feel my cheeks burning red.

Whats everything ? I want to know. He rubbed the tips of his long fingers over my nails.

Youre kind, intelligent, funny, modestand a good communicator, I mumbled, utterly enthralled by him.

He nodded with satisfaction. Do you want to know why I love you?

Yes! Being a painfully shy Midwestern wallflower, I had never dated anyone for more than three weeks. At times it had seemed unlikely that I would ever have a long-term relationship, let alone marry. I had no idea why an attractive scholar like Cai would be interested in me, but I was thrilled that he was. I felt like a schoolkid waiting for a good report card, but instead of earning grades for classes, I was about to receive them for my personality, for my very being.

Modern Chinese women are harsh, emotional, and selfish. Youre not like them, and youre not like typically loud American women. You remind me of traditional women in Chinas countrysidekind, warm, and soft.

Just before this, I had been tutoring Cai in English to prepare for a presentation at the university in Hong Kong, which we both attended. Because our engagement happened so quickly, I didnt question why he thought I wasnt a typical American. Or why he deemed loud and emotional Chinese women so unbecoming. I was thrilled that he viewed me as a traditional Chinese woman. I saw it as the utmost compliment.

When walking, look straight, turn not your head;

Talking, restrain your voice within your teeth;

When pleased, laugh not aloud;

If angry, still make no noise.

Ban Zhao, the first known female Chinese historian (45116 AD)

Instruction for Chinese Women and Girls

Chapter 1
A Chance Meeting in Hong Kong

The Chinese University of Hong Kong sits atop a mountain north of Hong Kong - photo 6

The Chinese University of Hong Kong sits atop a mountain, north of Hong Kong Island and twenty minutes south of the mainland China border. When I arrived on campus in 1990 for a college exchange year, I had imagined Hong Kong would be a city of skyscrapers and neon. But the only lights around the campus came from the occasional barge or leisure boat in otherwise quiet Tolo Harbour. On the weekends, the campus was almost deserted. Local students returned home to their families, and the few overseas students studying abroad left for the bustling expat areas of Kowloon and Hong Kong Island.

Upon my return for graduate school years later, new residential skyscrapers had popped up across the harbor. The campus was beginning to look like what Id first imagined. But the most significant change on campus was that the mainland Chinese population had blossomed from a handful of people to about two hundred graduate students. I was fascinated by these newcomers and their alluringly mysterious culture, so utterly different from my own.

On one of those still-quiet Saturday nights, a month after I started graduate school, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I was on my way to call a friend, using the hall phone around the corner, and as soon as I closed my door, I knew I had left my key on my desk. My roommate, Na Wei, hailed from Harbin in northeast China, but she slept in her boyfriends single room most nights and only returned to our room during the day when she needed a change of clothes or a short nap. So no luck there.

Then it hit me. The guard downstairs kept spare keys. I could borrow one from him.

My stomach fell when the elevator opened on the ground floor. The lobby was empty. I inched over to the guards desk to read a tattered white sign perched upon it. Although I couldnt speak the local Cantonese dialect, I had studied Mandarin, the official language in mainland China. With five years of Mandarin behind me, I could almost make out the meaning of the Chinese characters on the sign: if , need , something , and return . But one character came up as a blank. If you need something, I will return blank .

If only I could read the one character describing when the guard would return. I usually got around Hong Kong without having to resort to my little, red Chinese-English dictionary. Now, the one time I needed it, it was locked away in my room, not far from my coveted key.

I decided to take a seat on a vinyl bench near the front door in case someone came by who could translate that mysterious character. Worst case, I would have to stay up all night until the daytime guard arrived.

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