Bell - Batting on the Bosphorus: a Liquor-Fueled Cricket Tour Through Eastern Europe

BATTING ON THE
BOSPHORUS

A LIQUOR-FUELED
CRICKET TOUR
THROUGH
EASTERN
EUROPE

ANGUS BELL

Copyright 2009 by Angus Bell, 2006
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH CANONGATE BOOKS LTD., EDINBURGH

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a licence from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For a copyright licence, visit www.accesscopyright.ca or call toll free to 1-800-893-5777.

Greystone Books
A division of D&M Publishers Inc.
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www.greystonebooks.com

Cataloguing data available from Library and Archives Canada
ISBN 978-1-55365-441-4
ISBN 978-1-926812-00-7

Cover design by Peter Cocking
Cover illustration by Shepard Sherbell/CORBIS SABA, Andy Barr, and Angus Bell
Diagram adapted from an illustration by Dr. Kaushal Tiwari

We gratefully acknowledge the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the British Columbia Arts Council, the Province of British Columbia through the Book Publishing Tax Credit, and the Government of Canada through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program (BPIDP) for our publishing activities.

If Stalin had learned to play cricket, the world might now be a better place to live in.

DR. R. DOWNEY, BISHOP OF LIVERPOOL, 1948

My grandfather used to say cricket is like sex. You wait in the pavilion all day for your chance. And when you finally step up to the crease youre out for a duck.

LENNY HENRY, BRITISH COMEDIAN

CONTENTS

C RICKET IS BASICALLY baseball on valium, said Robin Williams. To be fair, its more like tai chi on speed with weapons. Baseball meets the Hokey Pokey, Id accept. Like the Matrix, cricket is all around us. Its featured in films such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Becoming Jane, Finding Neverland, Syriana, and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It is a sport played by presidents, kings, Hugh Grant, Dr. House, and Russell Crowe.

Would you believe that Benjamin Franklin helped formalize cricket in the United States when he returned from England with a rule book in 1754? That John Adams referred to cricket in the Hall of Independence in 1776? There are presidents of fire companies and cricket clubs, he chided, not wishing the title to be used for a president of the country. George Washington even played on the battlefield at Valley Forge to boost troop morale. Like syphilis, the game spread quickly across the British Empire thanks to its soldiers, becoming the most popular sport in the world. Today, its second behind soccer. It has a fanatical following in India (one billion Indians cant be wrong), Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Australia, New Zealand, England, South Africa, Zimbabwe, and the Caribbean.

Outside of those territories, most people might consider cricket unusual. But, in fact, it was the first national pastime of both the United States and Canada. The first ever international sporting event was a cricket match between Canada and the USA, in 1844. The Yankees went on to become great innovators of the game. Philip Caminoni of New York registered a patent for a new cricket bat design in 1864. According to the patent, it involved a circular, oval, or polygonal frame, made of wood covered by a piece of parchment or skin of an ass, swine, or other animal. Caminoni believed this would render cricket much more lively and animated than with the ordinary [willow] bat.

Then developers started building skyscrapers on top of lovely cricket ovals. Baseball turned professional, and with the introduction of hot dogs, its popularity soared. And the small matter of a Civil War and two world wars snuffed out most of North Americas cricketers.

Nonetheless, there are three North American cricketers in the Baseball Hall of Fame: Wright brothers George and Harry (not the ones who invented the airplane) and Henry Chadwick, who introduced the concept of batting averages. I wonder where he got that idea from.

Today, cricket is played by tens of thousands of immigrants across North America every summer weekendon scrubby baseball diamonds, on wasteland near turnpikes, in the Canadian Governor Generals gardens, and in McDonalds parking lots. In Mexico, it is played under Mount Popocatpetl. In Toronto, you can find players huddled in a sauna at the Toronto Cricket Skating and Curling Club. In Montreal, you can see cricket played beside a chocolate factory.

Except in New York, where some players turn up to matches carrying knives and chains, cricket remains a game of finesse and gentlemanly conduct, of sandwiches and tea breaks. Spitting on the field is unthinkable. Finger pointing is frowned upon. Fighting and murder are definite no-nos (though they have been known to happen). Asked to explain cricket to French friends, I describe a sport so fast-paced that helmets, chest guards, gloves, and cups must be wornand even those protective devices are no guarantee against fractures or trapped testicles. I explain to them how a single cricket match can put entire economies on hold, as workers tune in at their desks for five days running. Cricket is a sport thatwith no exaggerationstopped India and Pakistan from going to nuclear war.

Ah, oui! say my French friends. My uncle, he plays zis. He as a cricket set in is house! Two days later they produce three hoops and a croquet mallet. What part of my hundred-mile-an-hour demonstrations and body contortions did they fail to grasp? As if croquet could prevent a nuclear war.

HOW CRICKET WORKS

Now, I am an educated man, Charlie, but when someone tries to explain cricket to me, all I want to do is hit him in the head with a teapot. Jed Bartlet in The West Wing

REST ASSURED: if you can understand quidditch, you can understand cricket. To save us both a lot of time here, I will attempt wherever possible to relate key cricket terms to baseball.

THE CRICKET FIELD

I refer you to the wonderful diagram of a cricket field on the facing page by Dr. Kaushal Tiwari. Youll be meeting Dr. Kaushal later in the story. There is no greater authority on cricket in the former Soviet Empire.

A game of cricket includes two teams of eleven players one team batting, one fielding. The batting team always has two batsmen in the center of the field, on two bases twenty-two yards (sixty-six feet) apartone batsman is readying to run; the other is preparing to smack the ball and run. The batsmen can hit the ball anywhere they want (360 degrees around), run when they choose, and face as many balls as theyre capable of. It doesnt matter if they swing and miss.

When both batsmen have successfully completed a run, by switching ends, the team scores 1 point (or 1 run, as its known). If a batsman hits the ball and it crosses the boundary rope along the ground, he scores 4 runs. If the ball clears the rope (like hitting a home run), its 6. The aim is to score as many runs as possible. One batsman can rack up 100 runs himself in a single innings. Brian Lara from Trinidad scored 501 not out against Durham in 1994. Whats not to like?

The fielding team spreads out around the park, attempting to stop the batsmen from scoring and get them out. A bowler (like a pitcher, except he takes a run-up, keeps his arm straight, and bounces the ball once in front of the batsman) delivers six balls from one end of the field. Then a different bowler sends down another six balls from the opposing end. Six balls are called an over.