Everage - Ednapedia A History of Australia in 101 Objects

A History of Australia in 101 Objects

as dictated in person to

www.headofzeus.com

Dame Edna Everage is the megastar housewife, talk show host, investigative journalist, social anthropologist, chanteuse, satirist, spin doctor and author. One of the worlds most distinguished thinkers and cultural personalities, Dame Edna has inspired generations of Australian artists and icons, from Germaine Greer and Peter Carey to Kylie Minogue and Shane Warne.

Why, you may well ask, am I taking time off from my fabulous career to pen this book? Well, I accept I have always been a bit of an enigma, not unlike Leonardos Gioconda that spooky picture of a smirking Italian woman. People have been trying to get to the bottom of both of us for as long as I can remember, to plumb our depths and find out what makes us tick.

Is it nature or nurture? All I can say is that, in my case, Dame Nature must have been in a pretty good mood when she fashioned me. As for nurture forget it! My dear mother was committed to a twilight home when I was knee-high to a grasshopper, so she cannot claim any brownie points for the Force of Nature that I have become. Like most Australian fathers, my dad was a non-starter in the cultural department, so he deserves no credit either.

I know that some carping critics and know-alls will say that Australia has moved on from the days of my childhood and motherhood, and is now the most world-class, ultra-sophisticated little country on the planet. But all I can say to these carpers is what Ive always said: Call me old-fashioned. By the way, possums, I myself am an Australian, and for some people I have been the very first Australian they have come across. What a marvellous shock that must have been for them; and what an honour for me to know I personify our Broad, Brown Land.

So the book you hold so greedily in your hand is my effort to tell Australia like it is, the country that moulded i.e. nurtured me. A big ask, I know, but Ive sifted through thousands of items for possible inclusion. From our dainty gumnuts and towering Uluru to our world-class sharks and Opera House, marauding possums and poets, taking in game-changing inventions such as the dual-flush toilet and zinc cream, you will be amazed at what my sunburnt country has contributed to modern civilization. In fact, I can say, with all modesty and without fear of successful contradiction, that almost everything worth mentioning has been invented by my countrymen or womenfolk.

It has been pointed out by some smart alecks that this compendium of a hundred-odd things is not a totally original idea. I accept that and admit that my late bridesmaid, Mrs Madge Allsop, before she was gathered, was halfway through compiling a book entitled A History of New Zealand in 15 Objects .

Dame Edna Everage

Cap Ferrat and Moonee Ponds

This is a dessert item and the inspiration for a quaint Australian folk song from 1938, and well-known by housewives of the 1940s since it was played more than a hundred times a week on Australian radio:

Ive got a song that wont take very long,

Quite a good sort of note if I strike it...

It is something we eat, and I think its quite sweet,

And I know you are going to like it.

I like Aeroplane Jelly

Aeroplane Jelly for me.

I like it for dinner, I like it for tea,

A little each day is a good recipe.

The qualitys high as the name will imply,

And its made from pure fruits, one more good reason why

I like Aeroplane Jelly

Aeroplane Jelly for me.

Words and music by Albert Francis Lenertz (18911943)

Fortunate people who have seen my wonderful stage show all comment on my posture. I think I can claim that I invented poise as we know it, certainly in the Southern Hemisphere, my preferred stamping ground. If you havent been blessed with bone structure such as mine, not to mention my charisma, you can always develop poise. I acquired mine, spookily enough, on my honeymoon in Tasmania. Unfortunately, my husband, the late Lord Norm Everage of Moonee Ponds, was not there at the time, having had one of his early urological incidents. But I went anyway, as a passage had been booked on the Spirit of Tasmania and we had reserved the honeymoon cabin, which had a large porthole useful in the almost guaranteed event of a tummy upset during the rough crossing through the Bass Strait.

On the trip I hooked up with a senior citizen called F. M. Alexander, who was born in Tasmania and who passed on his technique to me, demonstrating some postural exercises which have kept me erect, serene and generally fit ever since. Many Alexander Technique drills involve lying on the floor with a book under your head. Experienced travellers know that this can be hazardous, particularly in a cabin or a hotel suite, when youre lying there with your head on a Gideon bible and a maid comes in with a trolley to refresh the minibar and stumbles over you, causing a dozen miniatures of vodka, gin, whisky, advocaat and Baileys Irish Cream to crash to the floor.

The Australian and New Zealand Army Corps, as the name suggests, is an Australian outfit, and youd be hard-pressed to find an Eskimo or Tunisian Anzac. There is one day in the year, 25 April, which is still sacred for Australians, as that is when we celebrate our wartime sacrifices. When I was a bubba, knee-high to a grasshopper, I asked my wonderful mother why all those men were marching or shuffling. She said: Its for the fallen, Edna. We are remembering the fallen. But why couldnt they get up again? I asked her, with childish innocence. One of these days, Edna, your father will give you a book. This was the stock answer to all my questions especially my habitual How are babies made? query. I never did receive that book, and only after three kiddies did I begin to have an inkling about this overrated topic.

Australia is not just one continent but a conglomerate of parts, each with its own distinctive culture, dialect and populace. We have affectionate, playful nomenclature that embraces all of these diverse communities. Though partly on the whimsical side, hopefully it describes their special skills and attributes.

The inhabitants of the Northern Territory are, for example, imaginatively called Top-Enders since, in most atlases, the Northern Territory occupies the upper part of Australia.

Moving clockwise around our island continent, Queenslanders are delighted to be referred to as Banana-Benders or Cane Toads. Since records began, the ubiquitous Queensland banana, with its distinctive curve, has been believed by the indigenous Australians to be the inspiration for their trusty boomerang (q.v.). However, a tribal elder known as NA-NA recently dismissed this as paper talk.

New South Welshmen and -women are known as Cockroaches or Coathangers, after the popular local insect and the worlds heaviest Sydney-based bridge.