DK - Karlology: what Ive learnt so far

TH ERES A FAMOUS Q UO T E that goes somethin g l i k e S h ow me t h e b o y at seven an d I ll s h ow y ou t h e m a n . Mr s M athews, my infant school head teacher, t h ou gh t s h e cou ld d o t h at, b ut s h e cou ld nt. T h ou gh s h e might have been right if shed said it about John Totton, the school midget, as Im guessing he didnt change his looks t h at muc h . Kar l wi ll never b e a h ig h - fl ier was w h at s h e sai d to me mam an d d a d at m y fi rst p arents evenin g . S ome k i d s wou ld ta k e t h at comment as a c h a ll en g e an d g o on to try to prove her wrong, but my brain decided to deal with it by going on strike .

I dont think anyone in that school was gonna be a high-flier. The kids hated being there and so did the teachers. I put it down to the state of the school. I dont think Im exaggerating when I say the Colosseum in Rome is in better condition than some of them classrooms were. The fact the school was knocked down in 1979 and the Colosseum is still standing is evidence of this.

The school was a right mess. It must have been built o n the cheap in the late 50s or early 60s. It was made from more woo d t h an b ric k an d was p l ace d in t h e mi ddl e o f a b i g fi e ld , wit h t h e counci l estate w h ere I g rew u p on one si d e, an d a b i g c h emica l pl ant an d swam p surroun d e d by e lectricity pylons (that gave off a constant loud buzz) on the other. I dont know what sort of chemicals they were k noc k in g out at t h e pl ant, b ut in ever y assem bly we were to ld by Mrs Mat h ews to sta y awa y f rom t h e fi e ld s b oun d a r ies. We never knew why this was so important until one morning when she brought out a pupil whod got too close to t h e b oun d ary an d h a d b urnt h is f ace on t h e grass. To t h is d a y I d ont k now w h at it was t h at cause d h is b urns, b ut f or y ears I t h ou gh t t h ats w hy t h ere were k ee p o ff t h e g rass signs in parks.

There was also a major problem with flies coming from t h e swam p . It g ot so b a d one h ot summer t h at our h om e w or k was to come u p wit h wa y s to k ee p fl ies out o f t h e classroom. I asked me dad for help. His advice was put a buc k et o f s hi t in t h e co rri do r . H e t h e n to l d m e h o w a mate o f h is put an a d vert in t h e l oca l newspaper years ago that read, Guaranteed to get rid of unwanted flies. Works 100%. Sen d p a y ment to receive y our fly k i ll in g k it NOW. P eo pl e sent t h e p a y ment an d a ll h e sent b ac k to t h em was a small block of wood and some instructions that read, Place fl y on block of wood and hit with hammer. (Hammer not inc l u d e d .) Me d a d sai d t h e bl o k e got away wit h it as it d i d w or k i f y ou cou ld g et h o ld o f t h e fly.

I came u p wit h Se ll ota p e s p rin kl e d wit h su g ar. I d ont l ike killing things, so this seemed like a nicer way for them to go as at least theyd have a nice meal before they died a b it l i k e p risoners on d eat h row. Most k i d s j ust too k in cans of fly s p ra y . I t h in k t h e c l ass o f 79 sin gl e- h an d e dly d i d in the ozone layer with all them CFC gases. Like I say, I dont think any pupils who went to that school learnt much from b eing t h ere, b ut may b e now, d ue to t h e c h emica l p l ant, p oisonous g rass an d inta k e o f fly s p ra y , a f ew o f t h em now h ave su p er p owers.

For the few years I was there, I cant recall seeing a care taker. That job was done by kids held back after school fo r b ein g nau gh t y . Instea d o f d oin g l ines or rea d in g a b oo k , t h e y d re- p utt y win d ows or ru b d own an d p aint d oor f rames. I was held back twice and told to weed the play ground. There were some jobs that kids werent qualified to d o l i k e repairing h o l es in t h e roo f an d wa ll s so t h ey w ere just left to get worse, which meant that some of the sc h oo l s rooms cou ld on ly b e use d in certain weat h er. I was at t h at sc h oo l f or two or t h ree y ears b e f ore t h e y k noc k e d it down, and apart from one hot summer I dont think I ever took my coat off .