Karl Pilkington - An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

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My Seven Wonders experience started today with a trip to get my injections. Ive never had to have an injection to go on holiday before. I dont tend to go to extreme places normally. I like my holidays to be the same as being at home but in a different area. The time we were in the Cotswolds and could only get whole milk instead of semi-skimmed was almost enough to make me turn around and go back home, so this is going to be a challenge for me.

I was booked into a clinic off Tottenham Court Road in London, which seems a bit odd, as this area is mainly known for its electrical shops. It would be like going to Chinatown for a curry. They told me I had to have six injections Tetanus, Typhoid, Yellow Fever, Rabies, Hepatitis A and B. I asked if I could have the injections in my arse, as I have just moved house and need to be able to use my arms when they deliver my new washing machine. (Im guessing this isnt a problem Michael Palin has ever had to worry about.) The nurse said she had never been asked to put injections into an arse cheek and said I was worrying too much and that my arm should be fine.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

Good job I didnt have the injections in my arse, as I had to sit on it all day waiting for the washer/dryer to be delivered. They gave me a window of 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. That window has a name. Its called Saturday.

I was up at 7.50 a.m. It turned up at 5.40 p.m.

My arm ached after fitting the machine into the kitchen.

I did some filming today with Ricky and Steve. They told me the places I would be visiting: Egypt, Brazil, India, Mexico, China, Jordan and Peru. I have to confess, these are all places Ive never really fancied visiting. If it wasnt for the Wonders I doubt most people would go to these destinations. Me and Suzanne mainly go to the Cotswolds, Devon, Spain or Italy. Im not a proper traveller. I dont like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax rather than broaden my mind. Im not very adventurous. Maybe Id see the Wonders if time travel was possible but then I also had a really nice time in Majorca back in 2007 in a villa with four bedrooms and its own swimming pool which was only 300 for the week, so Id probably just end up using the time machine to go back to that holiday as I know I enjoyed it, plus I wouldnt have to pay again as I paid for it back then.

Steve told me that some of the areas we would be visiting are quite dangerous. Krish, the producer, said I shouldnt worry, as we will have a man with a gun protecting us at some of the locations. Being attacked by a dirty chimp with rabies doesnt seem such a worry anymore.

I had to go and get my medical done to make sure I was fit enough for the challenge of travelling around the Seven Wonders of the World. It was a really posh clinic on Harley Street. I knew it was a classy place, as the waiting room had all the same style chairs, which is rare. Most doctors I have been to have loads of different styles that have been bought at various times. It always reminds me of Christmases at home when wed borrow chairs from various neighbours so we could seat everyone for dinner.

They say you can tell the quality of a doctors by the magazine selection. The place on Harley Street had loads. They had every magazine you could wish for and some that you wouldnt. One of which was Boyz , a gay magazine. I was the only one in the waiting room so thought I would have a flick through it to see what gays like to read about. There wasnt much reading to be done, as it was just picture after picture of half-naked men (mainly the lower half) dressed as mechanics, farmers and plumbers with their tackle out. Ive never understood what gay blokes get from looking at these pictures, as they have knobs of their own to look at. Other than the pictures there was the odd bit of text that was always a pun on the knob and bollocks. The main one I remember was Suckcocko. The puzzle was exactly the same as a normal Suduko, just with the knob twist to its name.

I had my medical. The doctor said I was in good shape for my age. Its the first time someone had ever brought my age into my health. It made me feel quite old.

I was picked up at 4.30 a.m. and taken to the airport for our flight to Cairo. Six hours later we were on the road to our hotel. I hadnt been told anything about who or what Id be meeting, eating or seeing. Apparently thats the way each trip is going to work, which I know will annoy me, as I dont really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

The first thing that hit me about Egypt was the traffic. It was mental. There was a song in the 1980s by a girl group called The Bangles who sang Walk like an Egyptian yet no one seems to be walking anywhere here everyone is driving. They make every three-lane road into a six-lane road, and cram so many people into their cars its ridiculous. Passengers are squashed up against the windows like those Garfield cats that people used to stick on their car windows in the 1980s. The horns are in constant use, but this might be because there are so many people crammed into the car someones arse is accidentally pressing against the horn.

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