Karl Pilkington - Happyslapped by a Jellyfish: The Words of Karl Pilkington

Happyslapped by a jellyfish

The words of Karl Pilkington

KARL PILKINGTON

Dorling Kindersley

LONDON, NEW YORK,

MELBOURNE, MUNICH, AND DELHI

First published in Great Britain in 2007 by Dorling Kindersley Limited, 80 Strand, London, WC2R 0RL

This digital edition published 2010

Copyright 2007 Karl Pilkington

The moral right of the author has been asserted

KD118 08/07

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-0-75668-153-1

Digital conversion prepared by DK Digital, London and DK Digital Media, Delhi.

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All text and illustrations

by Karl Pilkington

People always say write about what you know. Well I dont know much, but I have been on quite a few holidays. Not cos Ive wanted to, but because my girlfriend Suzanne likes it, so I always end up getting dragged along. She said its cos she didnt go on holidays as a kid, which I think is a load of bollocks cos she didnt do much ironing when she was a kid either but she doesnt seem so eager to do that.

Ive always said that if I won the lottery I would probably keep it a secret from Suzanne as I think it would end up splitting us up, as she would be forever booking holidays. The world isnt big enough to cope with the amount of holidays shed want, and Im not very good at visiting the same place twice cos you see everything you want to see the first time you go, which means the second trip is seeing the things you didnt want to see as much, which means its not as good as your first trip.

Ive stopped doing the lottery.

The following are extracts from my diary.

Its a bank holiday weekend so were seeing our mams and dads. Were at Suzannes lot first. Her mam had bought me some Happy Face biscuits cos she knows I like em.

Her dad went out to play dominoes down at his local. We stayed in. Suzanne and her mam watched Pretty Woma n with Julie Roberts and Richard Gere. Its rubbish. Its the one where Julie Roberts plays the part of a prozzie. Shes nothing like a real one. She was playing chess at one point. I dont think real prostitutes would ever be playing chess.

I read me nature magazine. There was a moth that had big wings. They were that big that the moth had to pack them away like a parachute after every flight. If I was that moth I would walk everywhere as I couldnt be doing with the messing about. Its the same reason Id never buy a convertible car.

August 25th

Woke up with a sore throat due to the smoke from Suzannes mam and dads fags. Didnt sleep that well either as I had acid indigestion from the full packet of biscuits Id eaten.

I went to get a paper from the shop. I saw three fat overweight cats on the way. No one looks after themselves that much up north, even pets. In London I think people go too far in the way they spoil their animals, but its the other extreme up north. Lynne who lived three doors down from me had a cat that was that fat that it couldnt clean itself properly, cos it couldnt reach due to the fatness, so she used to vac it. It just lay there like one of them bear rugs that you see with the head still on em.

Stayed in all day cos the weather was grim. It was sleeting it down. The alarm on the chemist round the corner was going off for about two hours. I dont know why people bother having alarms cos no one takes a blind bit of notice. I cant be doing with noise. Noise pollution does me head in more than the sort of pollution that causes global warming. At least you can sleep through a snowstorm.

SUZANNES MAM AND DADS PUB

Lots of smoke and strange folk
Regular laughing at his own jokes
Dog on a rope
Fruit machine broke
Old man in corner who never spoke

Had chippy for tea. After Ive had chippy I always wish I hadnt. The idea of it is always nicer than actually having it.

Suzannes mam had some fun size Milky Ways that she got off an old woman that she cleans for. I dont know why they are called fun size just cos they are small. If I said to a midget Oh, youre fun sized, theyd kick off.

August 26th

Didnt sleep well again. I know why. Its cos I didnt do anything yesterday apart from sit and watch telly and eat.

Im off to me mam and dads today. I said Ill get them a laptop for their birthday. Their birthday was on May 11th but I said Id get their present when I next saw them. Their birthdays are on the same day, so I only get them the one card between them. They say Im tight cos I dont get them one each, but I dont see the point. I only get them one card between them for their anniversary so I dont see the difference.

The train was packed. We were on a table with a fat fella who worked in an IT department. He was harping on about how hes gonna run the company. He was fat and really unhealthy. He got up to get his lunch from the overhead shelf and he got a sweat on. He also had some breathing problem he snored even though he was awake. I had to put up with it for three hours.

Me dad picked us up from the station and took us straight to PC World to get the laptop I said Id get. The fella in there was trying to sell us loads of extras that we didnt want. He was cross-eyed, which made it difficult to do a deal with him cos eyes are important when doing a business deal cos you sense trust through them, but I didnt know which one to look at.

We got it back to their house and had a go at setting the computer up for them. It wasnt easy. It took nearly four hours. Me dad was getting annoyed and wished that wed just bought me mam a kitten to replace the one they had put down a few months back. Me dad looked in the manual and got even more annoyed with some of the instructions. It said click TCP/IP and choose either using PPP or manually from the configure IPv4 as intrusted by your ISP. If you have static IP type the address in the IP field