Pilkington - The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad

ALSO BY KARL PILKINGTON

THE WORLD OF KARL PILKINGTON

HAPPYSLAPPED BY A JELLYFISH

KARLOLOGY

AN IDIOT ABROAD

FIRST PUBLISHED IN GREAT BRITAIN IN 2012
BY CANONGATE BOOKS LTD, 14 HIGH STREET, EDINBURGH EH1 1TE

WWW.CANONGATE.TV

THIS DIGITAL EDITION FIRST PUBLISHED IN 2012 BY CANONGATE BOOKS

COPYRIGHT KARL PILKINGTON, 2012
CONVERSATIONS COPYRIGHT RICKY GERVAIS AND STEPHEN MERCHANT, 2012

THE MORAL RIGHTS OF THE AUTHORS HAVE BEEN ASSERTED

PHOTOGRAPHY COPYRIGHT FREDDIE CLAIRE, 2012
ILLUSTRATIONS COPYRIGHT DOMINIC TREVETT, 2012
ADDITIONAL PHOTOGRAPHY
PAGE COPYRIGHT RAY BURMISTON, 2012
PAGES COPYRIGHT DEBORAH SCHILDT, 2012
PAGES (UNDERWATER PHOTOS)
COPYRIGHT RODNEY FOX, 2012

BRITISH LIBRARY CATALOGUING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
A CATALOGUE RECORD FOR THIS BOOK IS AVAILABLE ON REQUEST FROM THE BRITISH LIBRARY

ISBN 978 0 85786 749 0
EXPORT ISBN 978 0 85786 886 2
eISBN 978 0 85786 749 0

I was hoping to write this book as a diary like the last one, but the day I tried to start it I woke up in my hotel room in Thailand with my eyes burning and my head completely numb. It was my own fault. Id assumed the sachet on my bed in the hotel room was some kind of menthol stuff to put on the pillow to help me breathe more easily as I slept, but I later found out it was medical gel to ease aching leg muscles. It was at this point that I decided I wasnt in the right frame of mind to start a diary.

Looking back, it was no bad thing. I very rarely enjoy any of my trips at the time as my head is all over the place. Im not always feeling my best, what with the flying and the throwing up and the stupid stuff that Ricky and Steve make me do. So the idea of writing the book once I was safe and sound and a bit happier back at home made sense. Ive realised that coming back home is the best thing about going away in the first place.

This second set of trips was set up after a meeting with Ricky and Steve in their office. They came up with the idea of getting me to pick seven things that I would put on my Bucket List.

Wed actually had a similar conversation a few years ago as part of the podcasts. At the time, Ricky asked me what I want to do before I die and I said I wanted to kick a duck up the arse. Its just something I always have the urge to do when I see them sitting at the edge of a pond.

For the first series of An Idiot Abroad Ricky and Steve sent me round the world to see the Seven Wonders, hoping it would broaden my mind. This time it seemed like they were trying to flatten it.

Come on. You can pick anything. Make your dreams come true! What about sky diving? said Steve. Thats a classic Bucket List experience.

Not for me it isnt. No. Im not sky diving.

Bungee jumping?

Not a chance. Forget the whole idea.

Ive never been one for danger. Ive done some daft things in my time like putting sausages in the toaster, and climbing out of the bathroom window to go and do my paper round when me mam hid the front door keys from me, cos she didnt want me going out delivering papers one bad winter. But they didnt really strike me as dangerous at the time, and they all served a purpose.

Okay, said Ricky. How about we make a big list and you can choose what you want to do from that?

In the end it felt like I was going to be in control, so I agreed.

This book tells the stories of the things I chose to do, plus the extra things that Ricky and Steve threw in along the way. That was the plan anyway, but when I sat down to write the book I realised that between the first series and the second series, the latest Christmas Special with Warwick Davis, and all the other random stuff Ive done in my life, Ive actually ticked off more than 60% of the Bucket List. I reckon thats got to be some sort of record. So in the end Ive decided to write about all of them and also throw in an opinion or two on the remaining things on the list. Most of these are things that have never appealed, like:

This is when people have it away in the toilets on a plane. I guess this explains why there are always queues whenever I need the loo on a flight. I wish theyd use the system they use at the supermarket meat counter where they give you a ticket with a number on which the pilot could then read out when its your turn to use the toilet. This has got to be safer than people stood queuing in the aisles.

Im guessing here but I bet people only do the mile high club thing on the outward journey as after two weeks of being away with someone youre normally sick of them and would rather watch the inflight movie. Also its the return journey when the toilets get blocked due to everyone having dodgy guts after eating foreign food. On my flight back from India theres no way anyone could have had a romantic moment in there after the state I left it in.

So thats the book. Sitting down to write it has been a nice way to sum up three years of travelling.

What follows is the original list of the 100 things I could choose from. As you can see, kicking a duck up the arse wasnt on it.

How much have you learned from watching TV? I learned that vinegar is a good stain remover. Its something I picked up from watching Kim and Aggie off How Clean Is Your House?

A while ago, three British backpackers who got lost in a Malaysian jungle said they survived thanks to tips they picked up from watching the TV survival expert Ray Mears. They said theyd now watch every episode of Ray Mears in case the situation ever cropped up again! Youd think what theyd been through would have put them off the programme, as it would bring back bad memories of their near-death experience. It would be like Anne Frank watching Cash in the Attic.

The advice that saved the backpackers from being lost was that you should follow a watercourse downstream and that would lead you to the coastline. Im just glad it was Ray Mears the backpackers had watched. If it had been Bruce Parry theyd still be lost but would now probably be off their tits after licking the back of a toxic toad. But this left me wondering if anyone had ever opted for the survival tactics offered up by Bear Grylls. Bear is a bit more extreme than Ray. If you said to Bear, Im so hungry I could eat a scabby horse, he would probably say, Too late. Ive eaten it all. In one show he was covered in blood and guts after stripping a camel. He then went on to explain that the carcass makes an excellent makeshift sleeping bag! I dont want to come across all Goldilocks here, but how much sleep are you going to get inside a camel? It must be the worst animal to use as a bed. Its got a hump on it, for a start. I have the feeling that if Bear missed the last bus home when in England hed probably break into London Zoo and strangle a giraffe for a sleeping bag, then kill a couple of Koala bears while hes at it to make a pair of slippers, rather than just get a cab. Anyway, if you ever find yourself in this situation, having killed a camel to sleep in, and your clothes are covered in bloodstains, try vinegar.