'Hes a real, genuine freak that we have often thought we would like to introduce to the world, like two Victorian showmen, like P.T. Barnum and his fat friend who are just saying, "Look, you must come and observe this wonder of the world!"
Stephen
'I mean, he is I dont know the politically correct term a moron. A completely round, empty-headed, part-chimp Manc.'
Ricky
'In many regards weve often described him and its appropriate as being like some kind of real-life Homer Simpson.'
Stephen
'Yes.'
Ricky
'Homer is arrogant and yet an idiot. Smallminded, petty. But at his core a good person.'
Stephen
'And lovable. Absolutely lovable. Hes got child rights because he says the most awful things so naively and sweetly. Things like Chinese people dont age well ... I go, What? He goes, They dont age well. He says, You'll never see a thirty-five-year-old one. I go, What do you mean? He went, Well, theyre good-looking when theyre young but then they age overnight. Theyre like a pear. I mean, racism. Like, you know...'
Ricky
'Its not racist. Its just ignorant.'
Stephen
'Its just ignorance, he thinks that. I went, Well, some of the oldest people in the world are Chinese. He went, Are they though? He thinks they might be lying. He thinks these old Chinese boys might be thirty-five but lying about their age cos they dont age well. I mean, hes an idiot. I mean, his theories, his outlook on life. He really would never go away if it wasnt for his girlfriend.'
Ricky
'Hedve been happier in medieval times in a village where you didnt travel beyond the local community. That wouldve been fine for him.'
Stephen
'Yeah, making up his own theories about the moon.'
Ricky
'Terrified because he doesnt know where it goes during the day.'
Stephen
'Yeah, hes quite remarkable. So I think we should broaden his outlook. And they say travel broadens the mind. So I just think itd be amazing to send him round the world...'
Ricky
'Well, yeah. I mean, hes travelled, but its only been to places like Majorca. Somewhere safe, a little two-week package holiday.'
Stephen
'If it wasnt for his girlfriend, he wouldnt do anything. His job at home is washing-up. He looks forward to that because thats something hes done. Often I call him and he says, Im washing-up like its a big event. One day hed started a diary and he did the washing-up and took his girlfriends shoes to the cobblers. Now I hadnt heard the word cobblers in ages...'
Ricky
'I didnt realise cobblers still existed. I thought they were only in fairytales.'
Stephen
'Yes, exactly. And she makes him go on holiday. When she books a holiday he goes, Oh, I gotta go or id just stay at home alone, and when he does that he forgets to eat. Once, right, someone at the radio station where he used to work sent us an email that Karl had sent by mistake, right? It was an email from his girlfriend. She was out that night and so, in detail, she was telling him where the quiche was in the fridge, cut it up in slices and she even put eat on it.'
Ricky
'Didnt he try and put fish fingers in a toaster or something?'
Stephen
'Yeah, he did that once. No, sausages.'
Ricky
'Sausages.'
Stephen
'Yeah, she came home going, What are you doing? Hed forgot to drink so hed had kidney stones. I mean, he is...'
Ricky
'Hes a typical little Englander and he doesnt like going out of his comfort zone. Thats key. You know, hes got everything around him that hes happy with and hes comfortable with. Even when he goes on holiday, you know, hes the sort of person who packs some teabags. Hes not comfortable going beyond things he doesnt understand. And he thinks hes not interested. What excites us is the idea of forcing him to get out there. Wed like to see him go out into the world, experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if, in any way, We can change his outlook on the world.'
Stephen
'Yeah. Can I just say that Ive got to admit that Stephens motives are a lot purer than mine. He wants Karl to enjoy it...'
Ricky
'Ive travelled. Ive been to many exotic places. I genuinely think travel broadens the mind. Ive become a richer person for it...'
Stephen
'I want him to hate it. I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement. Thats it. I think weve gotta send him economy. I think weve gotta put him up in shacks and awful hotels. I think weve gotta expose him to some of the most mind-blowing degradation that we can. And thatll be funny. Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick. I am that stick and now I have the might of sky behind me. This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes Ive ever done. And its gonna be great.'
Ricky
'Im hoping as well that hell be poked by some real sticks.'
Stephen
'I know. What country do they poke you with sticks?'
Ricky
'Theres gotta be a country where they poke you with sticks...'
Stephen
'Theres bound to be. Theres bound to be one of them weird little countries where, if you see a man with a round head, youre allowed to poke him with a stick. One of those unrepealed laws. Just find me that country!'
Ricky
My Seven Wonders experience started today with a trip to get my injections. Ive never had to have an injection to go on holiday before. I dont tend to go to extreme places normally. I like my holidays to be the same as being at home but in a different area. The time we were in the Cotswolds and could only get whole milk instead of semi-skimmed was almost enough to make me turn around and go back home, so this is going to be a challenge for me.
I was booked into a clinic off Tottenham Court Road in London, which seems a bit odd, as this area is mainly known for its electrical shops. It would be like going to Chinatown for a curry. They told me I had to have six injections Tetanus, Typhoid, Yellow Fever, Rabies, Hepatitis A and B. I asked if I could have the injections in my arse, as I have just moved house and need to be able to use my arms when they deliver my new washing machine. (Im guessing this isnt a problem Michael Palin has ever had to worry about.) The nurse said she had never been asked to put injections into an arse cheek and said I was worrying too much and that my arm should be fine.
She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?
