Editors of Readers Digest - Laughter really is the best medicine: Americas funniest jokes, quotes, and cartoons from Readers Digest Magazine

M y friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. Frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her rsum. He didnt get much further than the first line of her cover letter before spotting the problem.

Is it too generic? she asked.

I doubt it, said her father.

Especially since its addressed Dear Sir or Madman.

GISELLE MELANSON

M y friends hour-and-a-half commute to work got old quicklythe time spent stuck in traffic was sending him over the edge. So I was happy for him when he found a new job closer to home.

Thats great, I said. What are you doing now?

Im a bus driver.

ELYSA STANTON

M y secretary liked to yammer on the phone with friends. One day I was about to interrupt her chat to tell her to get back to work, when she looked up at the clock and put an end to the conversation. Sorry, I have to hang up now, she said. Its time for my break.

JAMES R. MAXWELL

A pplicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

JENNIFER CARUANA

M y coworker Sarah was annoyed that our companys automated telephone directory had mangled her last name. She called the person in charge and asked that he fix it.

Sorry, he said. All requests must be made via e-mail.

Okay, said Sarah, just tell me how to e-mail the correct pronunciation for Zuckschwerdt.

REBECCA COLE

W inding his way through the office cubicles, my son Mike spotted one of his employees playing a video game on the computer.

Why arent you working? Mike asked him.

The employee had an excellent excuse: I didnt see you coming.

ROSEMARY SIEVE

G ood morning, I said to a coworker in the parking lot. She mumbled something back and continued to the front door, distracted. As we walked, I couldnt help but notice that she was muttering to herself: It pays the bills, it pays the bills, it pays the bills

LINDA TILLMAN

O ur office manager is a tyrant when it comes to keeping the printer area clean. Recently, a coworker printed something, but when he went to pick up the document, it was gone.

You know I throw out everything thats more than 24 hours old, the manager told him.

But I just printed it, my friend insisted.

Sorry, she said. But Im not in tomorrow.

NOEL ROWLAND

A s a business-writing instructor, I read lots of rsums. Inevitably, I run across some students with skills no employer could pass up, such as:

• The young paramedic who makes life-threatening decisions on a daily basis.
• A child-care worker who can overlook up to 35 children at one time.
• An enterprising young woman who is flexible enough to perform in all manner of positions if the situation gets desperate.

AUTUMN CAMPBELL

So how do you make a computer your best bud?

Buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded.

DAVID E. BOELTER

B efore leaving my assistant job for greener pastures, I was asked to reply to applicants hoping to replace me. Very smart and intelligent, my boss had written on one of the applications. Too good for this job.

VI BRIERLEY

A fter my wife landed a coveted job offer from DHL, we went out of town to celebrate. While on our trip, she was contacted by the companys human resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back her tax forms.

No problem, she said. Ill FedEx them right over.

ROSS MCCOY

T he average insurance agents workday can be pretty mundaneexcept when he gets to read claim forms like these from actual auto accidents.

• The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
• I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I was on the way to the doctors with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

W hen I phoned my employee to find out why she hadnt come to the office, I expected to hear a sob story about how sick she was, blah, blah, blah. Instead, her excuse was pretty plausible.

When I was driving to work, I took a wrong turn, she explained. And then I just decided to keep going.

JUDIE SHEWELL

I ve heard every excuse from coworkers for missing a day of work. But this one actually sounded legit.

Whats wrong? I asked a woman who called in. Are you sick?

No, she said. I cant find a cute pair of shoes to wear.

JOSHUA DONALDSON

A sked about the kind of job he wanted, an applicant at our tax management company stated, I seek full authority but limited responsibility.

MIKE WILKERSON

W hat starting salary are you looking for? the head of human resources asks the newly graduated engineer at the end of a job interview.

Going for it, the guy says, Well, sir, I was thinking about $125,000, depending on the benefits package.

Okay, the HR director says. How about five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, 100% company match for your 401(k) and a Porsche for your company car?

The engineer gasps and says, Wow! Are you kidding?

Yeah, he replies. But you started it.

M any senior executives find talking with management consultants invaluable. My friend, a no-nonsense businessman who works for a large firm, is not one of them. Halfway through their meeting, and noting my friends terse answers, the consultant asked, How do you cope with managerial stress?

I dont, came the gruff reply. I cause it.

CLIVE ATTWATERS

Thats a great place to work! shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. I get two weeks paid vacation.

Im so glad, said my mother.

Yeah, added John.

I cant wait to find out where they send me.

STEPHANIE DIOCEDO

W hen asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time, she said.

MEL ROBERTS

I work for a chartered bank in Ottawa, but my support unit is in Toronto. A colleague from the support unit e-mailed me to say she was missing a report due from one of my clients. I e-mailed back that I had faxed it to her earlier that morning and to check another file because the two reports were faxed at the same time.

Thanks, she replied when she found it, but please dont staple files together when you are faxing them to us.

DENISE LOSIER