Ray Foley - Beer Is the Answer...I Dont Remember the Question: And Over 1,000 Other Bar Jokes, Quotes and Cartoons

Copyright 2007 by Ray Foley

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Foley, Ray.

Beer is the answer-- I don't remember the question / Ray Foley.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-4022-0914-7 (trade pbk.)

1. Drinking of alcoholic beverages--Humor. 2. Drinking of alcoholic beverages--Quotations, maxims, etc. 3. Drinking customs--Humor. 4. Drinking customs--Quotations, maxims, etc. I. Title.

PN6231.D7F65 2007

818'.602--dc22

2007021509

Printed and bound in the United States of America.
VG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To the 148,000 plus readers of BARTENDER
Magazine and the thousands of bartenders
who sent us jokes and quotes via our website
www.bartender.com.

And especially to Jaclyn Marie and Ryan Peter
Foley, as well as the Other Tribe Members,
Raymond, William, and Amy

BEER IS THE ANSWER

Gimme a double whisky!, the little boy yelled to the barmaid as he entered the bar. Do you want to get me in trouble? she asked. Maybe later, said the boy, but right now, Ill just take the drink.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

[Anonymous]

Memorial services are the cocktail parties of the geriatric set.

Harold MacMillan

Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.

Ovid

Have you ever noticed that at cocktail parties the men are usually standing around getting stiff while their wives are getting tight; but when they get home they find that neither is either?

Forsake not an old friend, for the new is not comparable unto him. A new friend is as new wine: when it is old thou shalt drink it with pleasure.

The Bible

Never offer a drink without a smile.

Pinchin

The inebriated university professor staggered into the bar and asked the bartender for a dry martinus. Beg your pardon sir, the bartender said, but dont you mean a martini?

Now see here, my good man, said the 90-proof prof, If I want two, Ill ask for them.

Me mother-in laws gone to her final reward, said Donnegan to the barkeep in Tamneys tavern, and its a twenty spot Im needin for a wreath. Could you be advancin me the twenty? The bartender emptied his pockets and the cash register, but the total came to only $18.30. Thatll do, said Donnegan, Ill take the $1.70 in drinks!

The beautiful blonde was talking with her handsome date in a posh restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blondes dress. She jumped to her feet, dashed wildly around the table, then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned to the waiter and said, Well have two of whatever she was drinking!

It is better for pearls to pass through the lips of swine than good wine to pass through the lips of the indifferent.

Mark Luedtke

If it is not true, it is a happy invention.
Anonymous

COUNSEL: (to police witness) So if a man is on his hands and knees in the middle of the road, that does not prove he is drunk?

POLICE WITNESS: No, sir, it does not. But this one was trying to roll up the white line.

Growl all day and youll feel dog tired at night.

Anonymous

He who doesnt risk, never gets to drink champagne.

Russian Proverb

Three deaf-mutes walked into a tavern and sat down at a table. The bartender greets them and takes their order using sign language. After returning to the bar he was complimented by a patron on his knowledge of sign language just to better serve his patrons. After a few rounds of drinks the bartender noticed the three deaf-mutes hands moving a mile a minute. He quickly grabbed a bat from under the bar and chased the deaf-mutes out. When he returned, he was questioned by the same patron who complimented him earlier about why he ran them out of the bar.

He replied, if I told them once, I told them a thousand times, no singing in this joint!

WILLIAM WEBB, MASTIC, N.Y.

Three asparagus were walking down the street when a car went out of control and hit one of them. The other two rushed their friend to the hospital. As they sat waiting for some news, a doctor came out and addressed them. I have some good news and some bad news, he said. First the good news, your friend will live. Now the bad news, hell live the rest of his life as a vegetable.

JOHN KIRST, NEWARK, NJ

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

Alex Levine

Whatever you do, do cautiously, and look to the end.

Anonymous

A drunk was trying to sneak into bed without arousing his hottempered wife. On route he paused in the kitchen and laboriously tied all the pots, pans, and trays he could find to a rope. He then proceeded upstairs, dragging the rope behind him, muttering happily, Shell never hear me in all this racket.

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank the sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.