Green - How to do everything: from the man who should know: a completely exhaustive guide to do-it-youself and self-help

Copyright 2010 Steve Smith

All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication, reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system without the prior written consent of the publisheror, in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a license from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agencyis an infringement of the copyright law.

Doubleday Canada and colophon are trademarks.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication has been applied for.

eISBN: 978-0-307-36786-0

Published in Canada by
Doubleday Canada, a division of
Random House of Canada Limited

Visit Random House of Canada Limiteds website: www.randomhouse.ca

v3.1

A long time ago in Europe, there was a renaissance. I think it was during the Industrial Age. And out of that period came what they call a Renaissance Mana person who was respected for the scope rather than the depth of his expertise. Unfortunately, all of that has changed, and these days a Renaissance Man is just a guy who meets women at fancy hotels.

In fact, for the last fifty years there has been a strong movement towards specialization. Theyve been telling us all that if you want to be successful, youre better off to know a whole lot about something than a little bit about everything. This has been a huge mistake, along with computers, the new Coke and hair weaves.

I blame Science. The scientific community has used its knowledge of various specialized fields to make the rest of us feel like the morons we may or may not be. The truth is that in most situations there is nothing more useless than a scientific expert. Usually, the genius who runs a particle accelerator has no idea how to unclog a toilet, even though the two are very similar challenges. Likewise, being the worlds foremost expert on arachnids does not make you an interesting dinner conversationalist, especially if something just moved in the salad.

So this book is an attempt to get back to the days when every man had a toolbox and would fearlessly attack whatever challenge confronted him. There is no downside to this approach. If you succeed in fixing the problem, you gain a sense of accomplishment and self-reliance and are ready for the next obstacle. If you fail, you are willing to pay an expert without suspicion or remorse.

Its a DIY book, its a self-help book, its an environmental action plan. Like fertilizer, it may be spread thinly over many fields, but you know its there. If youre looking to handle drips in your bathroom or in your personal life, or simply to end global warmingor the discussion of itlook no further than this one almanac.

If youre the type of person who uses tunnel vision to burrow deep into the minutest of topics until you know everything there is to know about it, this book is not for you. But if youre like me and prefer a more inclusive, superficial approach to lifes obstacles and are willing to absorb minor injuries and major embarrassments in the pursuit of that lifestyle, How to Do Everything is your one-stop service manual.

Remember: true personal freedom comes from mind-numbing navet and a roll of duct tape.

Red Green

F or a variety of reasons, human beings find it desirable to stay married to the same person for a long, long, long, long time. Sometimes its love, sometimes its convenience, sometimes its just so the other person cant testify against them. Whatever the reason, staying married is not easy to do. In fact, for many people its a source of grief. If thats how it is for you, try using the Seven Stages of Grief as guideposts on your journey towards marital bliss. Or at least as a way of controlling your homicidal urges.

This initial stage usually manifests itself shortly after the wedding. There are many symptoms, but the common thread is that youre continuing the same behaviour you enjoyed prior to getting marriedhanging out with your single friends, coming home late without phoning, trying to meet women on the Internet, etc. These habits are inappropriate now that you are a husband. You must get through the denial stage quickly, or it could outlast the marriage.

After the first year of marriage, you will start hearing a small voice in the back of your head, making you feel guilty about your unacceptable levels of grooming, your inappropriate responses in social situations and your insensitivity towards your spouse. This small voice will be very familiar to you because it is your wifes. When it becomes your own voice doing the behaviour modification, you will have successfully passed through the guilt stage and will be ready to meet the next challenge.

The day will come (usually right after an argument you lost) when you start to feel a sense of resentment towards the institution of marriage. Youll be focused on the loss of personal freedom and the need for permission in every aspect of your existence. This resentment will turn to anger as you contemplate how your life could have been if you had never married. Instead of a home, you could own a Corvette. Instead of having a stressful corporate position, you could be a surfer. Instead of being a respected and responsible member of your community, you could be a boy toy in Monte Carlo. At the anger stage, it is helpful to talk with close friends (especially female ones) who can update you on your realistic options. It may be hard for you to hear, but if you are mature enough to accept their advice, you will be on track to returning to a happy marriage. Yes, I suppose the sight of you as a Corvette-driving surfer boy toy in Monte Carlo would be an entertaining one for the locals, but youre much better off in an environment where someone has already vowed to take responsibility for you.

After the anger dissipates, the next stage is a deep sadness from the realization that married life isnt as great as you expected and its only going to get worse. This is the period when sleeping with your wife becomes exactly that. Conversations between you become short and fact-based. Its garbage night. Yeah, yeah. Its a period thats often marked by significant weight gain and an increase in the number of empty bottles in the recycling bin. Some couples have a brief trial separation, which may be as simple as one of them getting a job. But the key to getting through this stage is to realize that being depressed about the relationship youre in is actually more unpleasant than the relationship itself. When you see depression for what it isnatures way of taking a bad situation and making it worseyoure ready to move on to the next stage.

The good side of depression is that it sinks you below reality, which means that as you come back to reality youre actually moving up. Now you have some upward momentum, and if you can find a way to sustain it, youre on your way to your version of a happy marriage. This is a very important stage, and you must be prepared to do everything in your power to maintain that upward movement. I recommend asking a police artist to do what they call age progressions on your photographs of old girlfriends. Seeing what they look like now will remove your sense of lost opportunities. Next, you need to spend time with some really miserable husbands and encourage them to tell you all of their horror stories. Itll be worth picking up the bar bill, because by the time theyre finished, youll feel like the luckiest man alive.