Henry VIII - Unleash Your Inner Tudor: Henry VIII’s Inspirational Guide to a Completely Sizzling, Sparkly, Tyrannical, Much Wider, Demanding, and Sexier You

UNLEASH YOUR INNER TUDOR

Henry VIIIs Inspirational Guide to a Completely Sizzling, Sparkly, Tyrannical, Much Wider, Demanding, and Sexier You

by King Henry VIII

@knghnryviii

Cover illustration: Nick Cann

ISBN: 9781521912065

Some of the relationship advice herein appeared in a previous ebook titled, Monarch of Your Bedchamber . It appears here as well as a favour to you. Youre welcome.

Table of Contents

Forward Anne Boleyn (authenticated!)

Rules for Reading This Book

An Introduction From This My Very Pen

Chapter 1 My Childhood

Chapter 3 An Introduction to Tudor Family Life & Thoughts on Chapter 2

Chapter 4 How to Be a Tudor Getting Started

Chapter 5 A Quiz

Chapter 6 The First of Loads of Chapters About Love

Chapter 7 Shall We Dance?

Chapter 8 When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Fornication Pie

Chapter 9 The Art of Wooing a Lady

Chapter 10 On Wooing a Gentleman

Chapter 11 When One has the Misfortune to Receive Crap Lessons in Leadership from Ones Own Dad

Chapter 12 The Practical Application of Wooing with Catherine of Aragon

Tudor Love Tips Exercise

Chapter 13 What Women Want

Chapter 14 The Art of the Marriage Deal

Chapter 15 Removing Elderly Obstacles on Your Path to Glory

Chapter 16 When Your Marriage Turns Out to be Your First Marriage

Chapter 17 For the Gentleman Reader Marriage: Mind-Crippling Happiness is on Its Way!

Chapter 18 For the Lady Reader Marriage: Strap in Ladies, Here Comes Glory!

Chapter 19 When Love Goes Horribly Wrong As it Always Does Like Bloody Clockwork

Chapter 20 It is Better to Have Loved and Lost Than to Have Dated Anne Boleyn

Chapter 21 My Sexity Brexity (Mine was Better Because It Did Not Involve Peasants Voting UGH!)

Chapter 22 On Finally Making Rumpity Pumpity With Anne Boleyn Following a Wait of Six Years

Chapter 23 Leadership is Inside You Waiting to be Unleashed Through the Magic of Violent Injury

Chapter 24 The Queen is Dead, Long Live the Queen

Chapter 25 In Which I Show Actual Concern About the Sorts of Choices Youre Making

Chapter 26 Letters from Readers

Chapter 27 The Thing About Happiness is That It Should be Called Pre-Kicking You in the Balls

Chapter 28 More Erotic Tudor Poetry

Chapter 29 When Your Beloved Makes the Dark, Deflating Journey From Super-Hot to Super-Not

Chapter 30 Food Loves You Back

Chapter 31 On the Wooing, Winning & Bedding of a Lady Who is As Old as You Feel on the Inside

Chapter 32 Four Tudor Rules Governing Divorce (or in my case annulment!)

Chapter 33 On Being the Worlds Most Amazing Single Dad

Chapter 34 The 16 th Century: A Fantastic Time to be a Woman!

Chapter 35 On Wooing a Lady Who Puts Up the Hilarious Pretence of Perhaps Not Wishing to be Yours

Chapter 36 Sex, Mistresses & Other Bits Following the Date of Your So-Called Death

Epilogue

Foreword

Henry VIII the warrior, the poet, the hunter, the joust winner, the legend, the All-England Swan-Eating Champion 1509 -1542.

Henry VIII he of the fine singing voice, fantastic pair of legs, brilliant mind, and the biggest boobs in Christendom.

Henry VIII the seducer, the intriguer, the woo-er, the hot boyfriend, the sexy lover, the fantastic husband, the champion of womens issues.

On the subjects of love, laughter, leadership, parenting, diet and exercise, and motivation, believe me ladies and gentlemen, this monarch knows it all and more! and is eager to do a complete dump of inspiration on you. (Am I phrasing that right? Im trying to sound modern.)

As his second wife, the Henry VIII I knew was just getting started! I cannot wait to read this book to learn a few life tips myself! This is going to be epic!!!

-- Anne Boleyn*

* Signature authenticated by a great number of experts & witnesses who were not paid by the author

Rules for Peasants Reading This Book

1. Whilst reading this glorious and inspirational guide to life, a full prostration upon the floor (face down, arms outstretched) is preferred but a kneel is okay. But do it with feeling. And dont try one of those half-hearted one-knees-bent poses! Kneeling means both knees!

2. One must read this inspirational guide to life aloud in a booming, authoritarian voice (this applies to all situations whether one is in bed alone or with company, upon a horse, in a restaurant, or on public transport).

3. At the commencement of each reading of this glorious book one must stand and in a loud, stentorian voice sing the following song -- and do not try to riff sing it like youre bloody Beyonc. Pick a note, the proper note, and stay with it. Dont go frantically searching about the scales for Christs sake:

God save our sexy king,

Ruler of everything,

God save the king!

Make him notorious,

Obese and glorious,

Heir-makingly Tudorious,

God save the king!!!!!

An Introduction from This My Very Pen

Why have I written this inspiring guide to life?

Because you need it. You people need this book like a mouth needs wine. Like a musical needs a song about wishing for things. Like an axe needs a neck. And I think you must know you need it because the question I get constantly on Twitter is: @knghnryviii, how can I be more like you?

Well. Thats a huge ambition. Like a sneeze that sings of wishing to become a typhoon.

If one is to span the unimaginable distance between who I am and whatever you are at the very least, its going to require a book-length effort. The task of writing such a volume would drive a lesser man to madness.

But lesser men are not Tudor monarchs.

Thus I am here, dear modern reader person, to do the herculean task of guiding, Tudorsplaining, and, one hopes, shaming and frightening you into becoming the best Henry VIII you can be.

Because of the clear magnitude of this tome, it deals with lifes biggest, most impenetrable, and universal questions such as:

- How can I avoid eating vegetables?

- Can I be sexy whilst not being obese? (Hint: no)

- If I have a daughter or two who expresses nothing but ill-will and abhorrence for me, is that normal?

- What are the sexiest ways to woo a lady with my shirt off?

- How can I select a wife with the right sort of womb?

- What if my wife gives me a girl and my mistress gives me a boy?

- My dad wishes to marry the same girl I want to marry help!

- Which foods will best manage my moods? And in what tonnage?

- Theres a lady I wish to wed and her husband is almost but not quite dead OMG what ever shall I do?

- How does a man become more than a man? An icon? A myth?

Fortunately for you this book does not simply ask such penetrating questions and leave you to sort it out for yourself, no, no, this book provides answers specific steps you can and must take to achieve your goals.

Unleash Your Inner Tudor even offers life hacks for ladies because whilst most have not been taught to read (this is still the case, I assume?) and are solely focused on the needs and demands of the men and children in their lives, somewhere deep inside, ladies want answers to things just like other people.

Look, Ill be the first to admit that to the untrained eye my start at becoming Henry VIII could seem rather unplanned, random, simple luck even. And some of it is, to be perfectly frank, the result of divine accident.

I was told by my mother (or maybe an angel told me in dream, I cant recall) that when God made me it was the morning after some dodgy take-away the night before and a bit too much Shiraz from a box. Whilst fumbling about in his glorious, heavenly solarium where he performs wondrous deeds our lovely Lord God Jehovah knocked his person-making supplies about, spilled things, blended things with eyes half-closed and poured the man-batter into his big glowing 3-D printer. There came a noise like the universe splitting in two, a knocking, a slurping, and a hey nonny nonny. A cloud of glittery smoke later, there I was. Dripping in glory. The one, the only.