Nonny - The Merry Wives of Henry VIII: A Tudor Spoof Collection

The
Merry Wives
of Henry VIII

A Tudor Spoof Collection

by Ann Nonny

The Merry Wives of Henry VIII
A Tudor Spoof Collection

Copyright 2012 The Anne Boleyn Files

Kindle Version

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, except as permitted by the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, without the prior permission of the publisher.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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Cover design by Madeglobal, Tim Ridgway and
the illustrations are by Facundo Torrens

Illustrations Copyright 2012 Facundo Torrens

Foreword

Ann Nonny's Tudor spoofs have been shared on The Anne Boleyn Files since 2011. They have always been greeted with enthusiasm and with complaints about broken computers after readers spluttered coffee all over them. I didn't even know that coffee could come out of my nose until I read some of Ann's stories!

Who is Ann Nonny?

Well, that would be telling! I'd love to be able to take the credit for these wonderful tales, but, unfortunately I cannot. I can only take credit for publishing some of them on The Anne Boleyn Files and twisting Ann's arm behind her back until she agreed to let me publish her whole collection for a wider audience. Her arm has never recovered, but at least it wasn't the one she used for writing. I will take Ann's true identity to the grave, but I can tell you that she is very nice.

Thanks must go to the novels, TV series and movies which inspired Ann. Although some historical fiction has driven Ann to distraction (read 'insanity'), these spoofs just wouldn't exist without them. We also have to say a huge thank you to Henry VIII for actually having such a soap opera of a life.

Claire Ridgway

Author and owner of The Anne Boleyn Files website.

Biography of Ann Nonny

Ann Nonny was born in a hovel in the year c.1520, her maiden name is not known. She married Non Nonny in 1534 and they had a total of 36 children. Some of her descendants gained high public office in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, including a couple of previous English Prime Ministers and a famous Mayor of London.

Ann's writings, which are contained here, were found by chance when sniffer dogs were searching the west bank of the Thames in the late 1800s. It took over one-hundred years to decipher her mad and often incoherent ramblings, but here they are!

We think Ann started her literary career at the time of Anne Boleyn's execution in 1536, but that is only a guess based on the amount of blood stains found on the manuscript. Her writing provides us with a unique insight into Tudor England and will no doubt find its way into the annals of English history.

We celebrate Ann's remarkable work in this volume of her manuscripts.

Postscript: Ann died in a mad house in 1570. A sad end to an incredible life.

Introduction

For anyone who doesn't know about Henry VIII and his wives, this book will be a mystery to you. So here's a quick guide.

• Henry VIII was the King of England (that's an easy one). A lot of people like Henry. It will soon become apparent that I don't.
• Henry had six wives:

1. Catherine of Aragon, who he divorced because she didn't give him a son.
2. Anne Boleyn, who he beheaded because she couldn't give him a son (are you spotting the thread yet?).
3. Jane Seymour, who died giving him a son.
4. Anne of Cleves, who he divorced because he didn't much like her and felt he wouldn't be able to perform the necessary act in order to get a son with her.
5. Catherine Howard, who he beheaded because she may have been able to have a son, but probably not with him.
6. Catherine Parr, who outlived the bastard.

• Mark Smeaton was a musician accused of adultery with Anne Boleyn.
• Henry Norris was a courtier and Henry VIII's best friend. He, too, was accused of adultery with Anne Boleyn.
• Francis Weston and William Brereton were also courtiers accused of adultery with Anne Boleyn.
• Thomas Cromwell was a lawyer and Henry VIII's chief minister. He engineered the adultery plot against Anne Boleyn.
• George Boleyn was Anne's brother who was accused of incest with her. There is definitely a theme here.
• Mary Boleyn was Anne and George's sister, who had an affair with the King.
• Lady Jane Rochford was George Boleyn's wife.
• Thomas and Elizabeth Boleyn were Anne and George's parents.

I could go on and on with other cast members, but I won't. Those are the main ones. In any event, the cast are only part of the story. The rest is fiction. Historical fiction is very odd. It takes real people and makes them do weird things that they would never have done in reality. In other words, it's a bit like a game show.

The vast majority, although not all, of this book pokes fun at the ridiculous portrayal of the above people in works of fiction, as well as in some works of non-fiction. In particular:

• The Tudors, a very popular TV programme looking at Henry and his wives.
• The Other Boleyn Girl, a very popular account of Anne and Mary Boleyn.
• Wolf Hall and Bring Up the Bodies, both very popular accounts of Thomas Cromwell

There are many more examples, but these are the main ones. All four are fiction, and are as rooted in fact as the Jolly Green Giant, Peter Pan, and Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Some people take them as fact; but those people are very, very silly and need an urgent frontal lobotomy. Most people take them for what they are; feather-light entertainment. But some of the plots and character depictions are so bizarre and so devoid of truth and reality that they cry out for a dose of old fashioned ridicule. So here it is; I hope it makes you smile!