Jonsberg - Dreamrider

Contents

For Brendan, Kari, Kris, and Lauren

There is something wrong with the light. Im not sure what. Im not sure of anything.

I keep my eyes closed. Its easier. I focus on the pain in my leg and the pain in my arm.

Pain is simple.

Unlike everything else.

When I open my eyes, the light is a blade. I feel the sides of the bed. Hard, cold, burning. People move within the light, touching, talking, and then leaving. I dont trust them.

Im sick. I dont know where I am. Why? is too big a question. So I close my eyes and hug the darkness with pain at its center. I am drowning in a sea of doubt. Memories are my lifeline. Images appear in the dark.

I remember

Monday

I killed two kids at school today.

My first day. I wandered the school grounds, looking for differences. The way the sun hit the grass, the arrangement of litter, the smells.

They came at me from opposite sides. I kept my head down. Part of me knew it would do no good, but I walked and watched from the edge of vision.

Hey. You. Fat bastard.

On cue. Like a film youve seen before so you know the words before theyre spoken. I walked. Kept my head down, looking for differences. I couldnt see any.

Im talking to you, fat bastard.

I stopped. But I kept my head down. Still.

A blade of grass. I watched. It differed. Maybe the way the spine curved, or the sheen of green. Wrong, somehow. An insect crawled along the blades curve. It changed the world. Everything changes the worldthe insect on the grass, the shadows over the oval.

They arrived. I heard their breathing. Their dark shadows slanted across the grass. I waited.

Im talking to you, fat boy. And when Im talking to you, you should look at me.

Yeah. Look at him, fat boy.

I looked at him. He had freckles. A face someone had doodled on, not getting the patches of color right. Dark red hair. Matted, as though he hadnt showered in a week. His eyes were light blue, the color of pale flowers in cold climates. I tried to see beyond them. I can do that. There was only pain, loneliness, and fear. Theres always fear.

We stared at each other, the fat boy and the boy with ice for eyes.

And I waited.

So what have you got to say for yourself, fat boy? Eh? Whyd you ignore me? Too good for me? Is that it, huh? He thinks hes too good for us, Damien.

Damien was small, thin and wiry. An athlete. His eyes were screwed up. I couldnt read them because he was facing the sun. He stood like someone who owned the ground beneath him.

Yeah, I reckon, Callum. Why do you think youre too good for us, fat boy?

Im just a fat boy, I said. Thats all. Im not too good for you. Im not good enough. Im fat. Im nothing.

The red-haired boy was confused. It happens that way sometimes. They want the right to attack. But I was agreeing. If they bashed me now, theyd feel bad about themselves. And they wanted their punches to be pure. Righteous.

The red-haired boy shifted, put his hands on his hips.

Are you being a wiseass, fat boy?

No, I said.

Well, I think you are. What do you reckon, Damien? Is he a wiseass?

Yeah. Hes a wiseass big-time. Youre asking for it, fat bastard. So why dont you say youre sorry? Maybe if you apologize, well forget it this time.

The red-haired boy moved in a little.

Yeah. We need an apology, fat boy.

Im sorry, I said.

Callum poked me in the chest with a hard finger.

You need to show youre sorry. How about on your knees? Yeah, get on your knees and say youre sorry for being such a wiseass.

So I got down on my knees. In the middle of the oval. As though I was praying. I bent my head. The blade of grass was closer now and still wrong. I focused. The insect climbed its plane, the east face of a green mountain. I counted the legs. They seemed right. And then I saw the difference.

It was subtle. The way the light hit the stalk. The sun was behind me, and the boys shadows pointed away, toward where it would set. But the light on this blade of grass came from the wrong direction. The right side of the blade was polished, burnished by light, and the left shadowed. Wrong. The tip of the blade, curved away from me, should have been touched by gold.

I knew. So I stood.

I told you to get on your knees, fat boy, said Callum.

I looked at him closely. Once I notice the first difference, even if its small, others follow, bigger and bigger, until the whole world is different. Callums eyes were brown now. His freckles shifted into a birthmark on his right cheek. His hair was a darker shade of red. Like rust.

I could take my time, so I turned to Damien. He had shrunk and the athlete was gone. He no longer squinted into the sun, because the sun had moved directly above us. I wanted it that way.

Im not sorry, I said. I havent done anything to be sorry about. You started this. Not me. So Im not sorry, and Im not getting down on my knees.

Callum glanced at his mate. My words were a detour into unfamiliar territory, and he had no map to give directions. I wanted him to bluster. So he did.

I dont care what you think, fat boy, he said. I dont give a shit. So youd better say sorry real quick or

Ill be sorry? I said.

Yeah, he said.

Look, I said. Ill tell you what I think and youll listen. Every school Ive been to, you were there. Sometimes you were taller, sometimes smaller. Your hair changes, your clothes change, but you dont. Not whats inside. Its always dark. I can taste it, that darkness. And it tastes of blood and fear and hopelessness.

Youre weird, said Damien.

Its time to hit me, I said.

The boys glanced at each other. Nervous. Callums eyes shifted back to me. One had turned green. His fist balled and he rocked back on his heels to get the weight right. He was scared but he had to punch me now. Id given him no choice.

His fist swung back, and I put my face forward a little. I watched as the knuckles arced toward me. It was not a bad punch, considering I had chipped his confidence. Id felt worse. When his fist landed on my cheek, just below my left eye, I felt the bone give. But I didnt fall.

Callum stepped back and rubbed his hand. Blood snailed down the side of my face. I smiled.

Is that the best you can do? I said. Come on, guys. How about the two of you, eh? Here.

I turned slightly to present them with equal target areas. I opened my legs for balance and put my hands behind my back.

Lets go, I said. I havent got all day.

I kept the sun above me as they punched and kicked. At one point my nose exploded, sending a plume of blood in the air. The droplets glittered and flecked Callums cheek. I lost some teeth to another blow. I felt them splinter. I spat the pieces into Damiens face and smiled.

They stopped then. They stood panting, faces bloodied. I wouldnt let them run, though they wanted to. I was the most terrifying thing they had ever seen. The broken bones, the blood, the smashed teeth. But the greatest horror was my smile.

Im a little disappointed, boys, I said. I rolled my bruised tongue around and discovered a couple more shattered teeth. I spat the pieces into my hand and held them out to Callum. He reached out and I placed them into his palm.

Heres what I think, I continued. You should apologize to me. I mean, look. Im a mess and I didnt deserve it. The least you can do is say youre sorry.

Sorry, said Damien.