Khan-Din - East is East

To Hilda, Charlie, and all at 63East is East was first produced by Tamasha Theatre Company, the Royal Court Theatre Company and Birmingham Repertory Company. It was first performed at Birmingham Repertory Studio Theatre on 8 October 1996, at the Royal Court Theatre Upstairs on 19 November 1996, and the Royal Court Theatre Downstairs on 26 March 1997. The cast was as follows:

The parlour should be more upmarket as its used for entertaining. When the play begins we find ELLA and ANNIE sat in the living room talking, drinking tea and smoking. Theyre very good friends who go back a long way. ANNIE is like a second mother to the kids. GEORGE (off). ELLA. ELLA.

What the bleeding hell has he done now? GEORGE. Done? I tell you what he bloody done Mrs. He bloody make a show of me. All your family alway make a bloody show of me. Ten year I been going that mosque, now I cant look mullah in bloody face now! Because he (Points to SAJIT.) got bloody.... tickle-tackle.

SAJIT goes over to ANNIE. ANNIE. Whats to do cock? ELLA. What are you going on about you big daft get? What bleeding tickle-tackle? GEORGE. I tell you stupy, why you no listen. (He indicates his crotch.) here tickle-tackle. (He indicates his crotch.) here tickle-tackle.

ELLA looks over to ANNIE, ANNIE looks at ELLA, they both know something. MEENAH. The mullah saw it mam. He went bleeding barmy! ELLA. Less of the bleeding you. GEORGE (to MEENAH).

Oi, you, who bloody asking your bloody pinion? What you doing looking boys in the first bloody place, dont trouble with me cause I bloody fix you! ELLA. Just what did he see George? GEORGE. Bloody everything, how he can go mosque again, when he got bloody tickle-tackle? ELLA. Are you saying hes not been circumcised? MEENAH. Whats circumcised mam? ELLA. GEORGE. GEORGE.

Why you not bloody fix this thing when he was baby same as others? ELLA. Well someones got it wrong somewhere cause they were all done, all six of them. ANNIE (backing ELLA up). Im sure shes right George, he was in the same ward as our Clifford in Hope Hospital when he had shingles. GEORGE (exasperated). Look, I know what I bloody talking about, I see you sees, mullah see, all bloody all mosque seeing.

You no believe me, you bloody looking. ELLA. Sajit come here. SAJIT (starts to cry). No, youre gonna hurt me. ELLA.

Im not gonna hurt you, I just want a little look, thats all. SAJIT. Get stuffed! ANNIE. Oi! language. ELLA. Ill stuff you in a minute you cheeky little bleeder, now get here and get em off! SAJIT.

I dont want to. GEORGE. Hey baster, I bloody fix you, you talk to you mam like that. You already cause me enough bloody troubles today. ANNIE. Come Saj, let me have a look, Ive seen it all before.

Go on Ill be dead quick. SAJIT. Orrrr. ANNIE. Come on, Ive wiped your shitty arse before now. ELLA.

Let Auntie Annie have a look. SAJIT. Alright, but youve got to be quick. He opens his pants for her, she has a quick look. ANNIE. (To SAJIT.) This is one little fish that got through the net. GEORGE. GEORGE.

You see, is your bloody fault. ELLA. How the hell was I supposed to keep count, you could have remembered. ANNIE. Nowt to worry about George, you can still get him done. ELLA.

I know who Id like to get done. ELLA and ANNIE laugh. GEORGE. Is not bloody funny you knows, you just bloody fix. This tickle-tackle very embarrassing you see Annie. I have important arrangement to make, and I cant now see, cause of this.

All men think I bad my son having this thing, has to be cutting. ELLA. What arrangements? GEORGE. You not need to know my bloody business Mrs. SAJIT. Im not going to the doctor! GEORGE.

You cant have this thing puther, it no belong to you, not our religion see, is very dirty. No worry about it, I buy you nice watch. ELLA. Look cock, its just a little operation, itll be over in a day. ANNIE. You wont feel a thing.

SAJIT runs out. GEORGE. Come here baster... ELLA. Leave it, hell only get more upset. ANNIE.

Ill go and talk to him. ANNIE goes out through the kitchen to the shed, where SAJIT has locked himself in. ELLA. Why bother with all this now at his age? GEORGE. What you talking about? You know nothing about my religion, you no bloody care your children have no God. ELLA. ELLA.

Hes not gonna be sent to hell, just because hes got a foreskin. GEORGE. You see, I try to explain to you, but you no bloody listen. ELLA sits back and lights a fag, shes heard this lecture before. ELLA. GEORGE. GEORGE.

All your bloody children run wild, but I telling you Mrs, no more, because Im fixing them. I bloody show them. ELLA. You tried that with Nazir and look what happened. GEORGE. ELLA. ELLA.

Your house? Whose frigging names on the rent book! GEORGE. Maybe your name Mrs, but my shop money pay bloody rent. ELLA. Oh yeah, and what do you think I do in that chippy from eight thirty in the morning til twelve thirty at night, count the mushy fucking peas! GEORGE grins slightly, these arguments happen all the time, and this one has reached its point. GEORGE. How bloody hell I know what you do all day, every time I look, you sit with Annie, talking, smoking, smoking, talking.

Nobody serve bloody chips. ELLA. We work hard in that shop, and as for being sat around well youre a fine one to talk, ever since this trouble started in Pakistan, youre never away from the telly. GEORGE. I have to take interest you sees, family in Azad Kashmir, near bloody border. ELLA. ELLA.

The answers no. GEORGE. What you bloody talking about No (He grins.) I not bloody ask anything. ELLA. You dont need to, I can read your bleeding mind like the back of me hand, so you can piss off if you think youre bringing her over here. GEORGE.

I not understand why you talk to me like this my darling. ELLA smiles. ELLA. Never mind darling, if she steps foot in this country, Im off, and Ill take the bleeding kids with me. GEORGE. Why is big problem, first wife always treat second wife like sister.