Michael Moore - Stupid White Men ...And Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation!

Stupid White Men

and Other Sorry Excuses for

the State of the Nation

Michael Moore

Copyright 2001 by Michael Moore. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.

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FIRST EDITION

Designed by Kris Tobiassen

Printed on acid-free paper

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBN 0-06-039245-2

02 03 04 05 WB/QWM 20 19 18 17 16 15 14

FOR AL HIRYELA

Its amazing I won. I was running against peace, prosperity, and incumbency.

GEORGE W. BUSH, JUNE 14, 2001, speaking to Swedish Prime Minister Goran Perrson, unaware that a live television camera was still rolling

CONTENTS

- A Very American Coup

- Dear George

- Dow Wow Wow

- Kill Whitey

- Idiot Nation

- Nice Planet Nobody Home

- The End of Men

- Were Number One!

- One Big Happy Prison

- Democrats, DOA

- The Peoples Prayer

- Tallahassee Hi-Ho

THERE ARE THOSE who say it all started to unravel the night of November 7, 2000, when Jeb Bush gave his brother George Jr. an early Christmas presentthe state of Florida.

For others, those upon whom a decades fortune had smiled, the turning point came when the Dow had its biggest annual loss in almost twenty years.

For most, though, the day the music died came the night we were told Pluto was no longer a planet, and life as we knew it was as distant as the look in the new Presidents eyes.

Wherever you choose to pinpoint the exact moment when it all crumbled before your eyes, it matters not. The only thing that matters is that we, collectively, as Americans, all know that someone has pulled the plug on our all-night binge. The American Century? Thats over. Welcome to your Century 21 Nightmare!

A man no one elected sits in the White House.

California cant find enough electricity to operate its juicers, or execute its inmates.

Its cheaper to FedEx yourself across town than to drive there.

Russia and China have signed a new pactjust when wed dismantled the last of the fallout shelters.

Dot-coms have turned into Not-coms, making the NASDAQ as safe a bet as a backroom. craps game in Reno.

The past two years have seen the most layoffs since the worst years of the Reagan Renaissance devastated the country.

You stand a better chance of dating Katherine Harris or Tom DeLay than of making your Northwest connection in Detroit on a sunny day.

Whats that you say? You want to talk to a real human being in customer service? HA HA HA! Press 4 and kiss the rest of your day good-bye.

Oh, and arent you lucky! Youre working two jobs, and so is your wife, and youve got little Jimmy working down at McDonalds, too, so you can afford that new home on the tree-lined street with neatly trimmed lawns and little white picket fences, andlook, there goes Spot to greet Grandpa as he pulls into the drive way!and next month youre going to make the last payment on that student loan youve had for the past twenty years, but then ... SUDDENLY, your company has announced its moving to Mexicowithout you! Your wifes employer has decided shes no longer needed because the new human resources consultant believes that one person can easily do the jobs of three, and little Jimmy has come down with an unknown illness from something he ate out of the McNugget fryer, and your HMO says they wont cover little Jimmys operation but theyll be happy to treat him as an outpatient if youre willing to drive to Tijuana twice a week because, well, theyve built a new outpatient clinic just across the border, thanks to free trade, which may or may not be responsible for the worm found in Jimmys half-eaten McNuggetoh, sorry, the collection agency just called and theyd like your new Celica back because youve missed a payment! Hey, maybe when you go to Tijuana and drop Jimmy off you can head down the street and reapply for your old job, where all the associates are given their own outhouse and fed a free breakfast burrito when they arrive at work at five oclock every morning.

Pardon me if I was dreaming, but werent things looking up just a year or so ago? Werent we supposed to be living through the largest economic expansion in history? Hadnt the government ended fifty-five years of operating in the red and finally boasted a cash surplus large enough to fix every road, bridge, and tooth in America? Air and water pollution were at their lowest levels in decades, crime was at a record low, teen pregnancies had dropped out of sight, and more kids were graduating from high school and college than ever before. Old people lived longer, you could call Katmandu for 12 cents a minute, and the Internet was bringing all the world (save the two billion or so who live without electricity) closer together. Palestinians broke bread with Israelis, Catholics shared a pint with Protestants in Northern Ireland. Yes, life was getting a whole lot betterand we all felt it. People were friendlier, strangers on the street would give you the time of day, and Regis made the questions easier so we could have more millionaires.

Then something happened.

Investors lost millions in the stock market. Crime went up for the first time in a decade. Job losses skyrocketed. American icons like Montgomery Ward and TWA vanished. Suddenly we were 2.5 million barrels short of oilevery day! Israelis started killing Palestinians again, and Palestinians returned the favor. By mid2 00 1, thirty-seven countries were at war around the world. China became our new enemyagain. The United Nations kicked us off their Human Rights Commission, and the European Union attacked us for unilaterally violating the ABM treaty by reintroducing Star Wars. It was hard, damn hard, to find a good movie; millions stopped watching network television; and every radio station you tuned in sounded the samelike crap.

In short, all of a sudden everything sucked. Whether its the shaky economy, depleted energy supplies, elusive world peace, no job security, no health care, or the simple unusable ballot we were given to pick a President, it has become maddeningly clear to most Americans that nothing seems to work. Firestone tires dont work, and the Ford Explorers that ride atop them dont work eitherwhich means you dont work at all because youre dead and decapitated and lying in a ditch outside the Dunkin Donuts.

911 doesnt work. 411 doesnt work. Cell phones dont work, and when they do, its some asshole having an argument with his broker at the table next to you while youre trying to eat dinner.

Freedom of choice is a thing of the past. Were down to six media companies, six airlines, two and a half carmakers, and one radio conglomerate. Everything you will ever need is at WalMart. You can choose between two political parties that sound alike, vote alike, and are funded alike by the same exact wealthy donors. You can choose to wear nondescript pastels and keep your mouth shut, or you can choose to wear a Marilyn Manson T-shirt and get kicked out of school. Britney or Christina, WB; or UPN, Florida or Texasthere aint no friggin difference, folks, its all the same, its all the same, its all the same....

How did all this happen? Three little words: