McCaffrie Gary - Mad As Hell and Back: a Silver Jubilee of Sketches by Shaun Micallef and Gary Mccaffrie

To dear old Aunty

Contents

I first came across Shaun Micallef approximately ten months ago when he came into the Chemist Warehouse with a prescription he needed filled. I dont recall the nature of that initial prescription but I dont believe it was for the treatment of any sort of sexually transmitted disease. And if it was, I certainly wouldnt be divulging that information in a book. I may text a close friend or two, but nothing unprofessional like mentioning it in a foreword to a book. So whatever ailed Mr Micallef on that occasion will remain strictly between him and me, at least until such time as I remember it.

In the months since I first met Mr Micallef I have dispensed several medications, ointments, salves and sundry personal items to him, and have never encountered a problem with his credit or savings card, despite the bankruptcy rumours that continue to swirl around him. Whether it be corn pads, tinea spray or a special two-for-one pack of Anusol, Mr Micallef has always paid for his items, which I appreciate, just as he appreciates my discretion. I am almost certain that none of my staff have caught him shoplifting.

A warm smile and a cheery Hello Zoze whenever he comes into the pharmacy would be nice but I suppose thats just not him. I need this filled straight away is, at least, efficient and clear. He does not seem to be one for small talk, refuses to sign autographs for fans and even refuses to sign for some of his medications, accusing me of wanting to sell his signature on eBay.

I cannot speak about his work as we only ever watch Spree TV on channel 15. But if he is as entertaining as he is aloof, I am sure he is a very talented man.

Zoze Aurora (BPharm)
Pharmacist
Chemist Warehouse

SHAUN: Welcome to this book. First of all, Id like to introduce you to Gary McCaffrie.

GARY: Good to be with you.

SHAUN: Gary and I went to the same school but missed each other by two years and first met at university, at the law school we were both attending; in the toilets, as I recall, at the urinal. He said, as casually as he could in the circumstances, that hed heard about me and that I should audition for the up-and-coming Footlights revue. I dont remember auditioning for it but I do remember turning up to my first writers meeting at someones house a few Sundays later. I was early and the guy whose house it was had a girlfriend who took her top off so he could massage her while we were talking. I was seventeen years old and decided not to drink the tea theyd made me. Eventually, Gary and the others turned up and I read them the two scripts Id written: one a review of the phone book and the other a parody of a then-current insurance ad both too dreadful to reproduce here (although the ad parody was dusted off and, without too much revision, used in Full Frontal some thirteen years later). It was Gary who recommended me for the Full Frontal job and Gary who patiently worked with me so that my material was suitable for TV instead of the revues I was used to. I have learned much from Gary over the years and my debt to him is incalculable. I honestly cannot think of a single thing I have taught him.

GARY: Yes, that sounds about right. If theres one thing Shaun has taught me its not to learn anything from him. I recall his Footlights audition, in Adelaide Unis Little Theatre. It was a little awkward, because what became evident was that he was considerably more talented than the people conducting the auditions. He produced a range of accents, had a commanding vocal presence, was a very good mimic and was physically hilarious. We invited him to be in our next show, when really we should have been asking if we could be in his.

SHAUN: I really cant remember auditioning at all, though I have no doubt I was every bit as impressive as Gary describes.

All the scripts in this book are the scripts as they were originally submitted. It may be that they are a bit different to how they ended up when eventually broadcast and this may be for a number of reasons: sometimes something was added in performance; sometimes bits were rearranged during the script editing; or sometimes lines were removed during post-production. Rather than simply publish a transcript of how the script went to air, we thought wed present it as the writer intended before the process of making the TV show got in the way.

Also, because you are reading the scripts rather than watching them, it might be helpful to consult this brief but patronising glossary of the terms we tend to overuse thoughout the book:

V/O: voice over the action described, as in REPORTER V/O.

O.S.: off-screen, as in INTERVIEWER O.S. This is different from a V/O because the sound is diegetic.

Diegetic: originating from the world on screen (even though O.S. means off-screen see above).

O.C.: off-camera. This is sort of the same thing as O.S. except that usually the sound, though diegetic, is off-mic. We dont use this term in the book because its too confusing.

Off-mic: off-microphone, meaning the character speaking has not been properly micd up and so the characters voice, while still diegetic, is heard at a remove thus deconstructing the artifice of television production, thereby sounding more like a real moment.

Micd: I would have thought this was obvious, but okay: it refers to when a microphone is attached to an actor by a soundie.

Soundie: the crew member who attaches the microphone on the actor (only referred to in this glossary).

Wipe: a scene transition where the next thing is seen as the other one isnt.

Pan: where the camera moves and the stuff it sees changes. Its like when youre looking at something and you turn your head and look at something else.

Freeze Frame: by the J. Geils Band (1981).

Shoulder Box: a graphic containing a picture and a caption that appears over Shauns right shoulder to help the joke Shaun is telling or distract from it.

Sting: a little bit of musical punctuation to herald the arrival of a new segment or make it feel like something else ended properly.

Dissolve: like a pan except fuzzier.

Finally, please remember when you are reading these scripts that whenever a politician is quoted as saying something, no matter how unlikely and stupid it may seem IT IS TRUE. They actually said these things for real. We could have referred to the various news sources down the bottom of each page but that would have been a lot of work and, frankly, felt too much like actual journalism. Instead, Gary and I have used our footnotes to provide context, explain out-of-date jokes and generally snipe at each other.

SHAUN:Full Frontal was the offshoot of Fast Forward, which was itself an offshoot of a show called The Eleventh Hour, which I never saw but featured a whole bunch of people who went on to write and perform in another offshoot: The Comedy Company. Fast Forward also had grafted onto it some of the cast of The D-Generation, the rest of whom sprouted off to produce The Late Show. Fortunately, no one from any of these shows ended up in Full Frontal, which meant that people with zero experience like me could be cast in it. I am grateful to Full Frontal because it gave me an opportunity to work out how TV comedy worked and didnt work. Im afraid I got rather full of myself by the end and left in a huff after four years to write (with Gary) a pilot for a puppet show that was made but, to my knowledge, never broadcast.