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Knickers in a Twist

A DICTIONARY OF BRITISH SLANG

JONATHAN BERNSTEIN

Copyright 2006 by Jonathan Bernstein

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, or the facilitation thereof, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Any members of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or publishers who would like to obtain permission to include the work in an anthology, should send their inquiries to Canongate, 841 Broadway, New York, NY 10003.

First published in Great Britain in 2006 by
Canongate Books Ltd., Edinburgh, Scotland

Printed in the United States of America

FIRST AMERICAN EDITION

eBook ISBN-13: 978-1-5558-4794-4

Canongate
841 Broadway
New York, NY 10003

Distributed by Publishers Group West

www.groveatlantic.com

To my family

Special thanks to Jim Greer and Julius Bernstein

If you like plonk, are you a plonker? If you have a minge, does that make you a minger? If you are a slag, does that mean you should be slagged? If youve got bottle, is there a chance that you might bottle it? If youre a slapper, does that automatically make you a happy slapper?

As a Los Angelesbased, green cardcarrying Scot who returns with reasonable frequency to his native land, Im in a pretty good position to comment on the similarity between the United States and the UK. Walking the mean streets of Glasgow, I see a Gap, a Subway, a McDonalds, an Arbys, a Borders, a Burger King, a Starbucks, and a Blockbuster. Online, I order goods from Amazon.com. On TV I can, if I wish, watch Lost, Desperate Housewives, ballroom-dancing D-list celebrities, and Simon Cowell crushing the dreams of deluded crooners. Hollywoods fear of piracy has made the international release date more frequent with the result that the lineup of entertainment at the British multiplex is similar to that on offer in any American mall. Americas presence both in the mercantile and in the social lives of the British is pervasive enough to inspire dark thoughts of cultural imperialism.

Then the British open their mouths and all such thoughts vanish. Its not just the accents that render non-posh Brits all but incomprehensible to the majority of Americans. Its the euphemisms, the abbreviations, the colloquialisms; its the slang. American sitcom writers looking to amuse themselves have made a practice of slipping the epithet wanker into otherwise innocent chunks of dialogue. Mike Myers successfully propelled shag into the U.S. lexicon. But beyond that lies a vast and teeming morass of head-scratchers. Whats an ASBO? Or a bovver boy? A chav? A bell-end? Whats the difference between a bap and baps?

The aim of these unscholarly pages is to guide you through the jungle of British slang, uncovering the etymology but also illuminating the correct usage. After all, British slang is largely class-based. You have to be aware of how to utilize it with the appropriate degree of condescension, belligerence, or glee. In the following pages, the mysteries of cockney rhyming slang, of Polari (the secret gay code of the 1950s and 60s), of TV catchphrases, of the criminal classes, of the sports field, and of the bedroom will be dispelled in order to bring about greater communication and understanding between our two great nations. And if it doesnt accomplish that at least youll be aware that when a British citizen describes you as a wally, a herbert, a spanner, or a bampot, he is not showering you with compliments.

Oh yes, and the answers to the opening questions are: sometimes, not necessarily, only in extreme circumstances, no, and I hope not.

Jonathan Bernstein
Los Angeles, January 2006

Anti-Social Behavior Order. Introduced in 1998 to put the fear of God and possible incarceration into drug dealers, joyriders, underage smokers and drinkers, beggars, drunks, graffiti artists, litter louts, and those unable to modify the volume of their profanities. If you are guilty of one of the aforementioned infractions, you are eligible to be slapped with an ASBO, which has the effect of banning you from the area in which you perpetrated your devious behavior and also naming and shaming you by plastering a picture of your scowling mug across local papers and fly posters. If you breach the terms of your ASBO, whether by venturing back into the area where you offended or resuming your frowned-upon activities, you lay yourself open to a prison term of up to five years. More than 6,497 ASBOs had been issued by June of 2005, and not just to fractious adolescents as the 2006 UK TV documentary OAPs on ASBOs was only too happy to illustrate.

Bovine spongiform encephalopathy or, as its more widely known, mad cow disease

Church of England, notably founded by Henry VIII in response to the popes refusal to grant him a divorce from one of his several wives

Rsum, list of lies

Grievous bodily harm: very serious injury suffered by the victim of a crime (see also GBH of the earhole)

Great British Pounds

Government Communications Headquarters; labyrinthine intelligence and security organization that lets Britain sleep soundly without questioning the methods used to maintain our continued peace of mind because we cant handle the truth!

General Certificate of Secondary Education. American equivalent: SATs.

Doctor. American equivalent: butcher.

Her Majestys Revenue and Customs: the government department responsible for collecting VAT revenue, customs duties, and preventing drugs, alcohol, and tobacco being smuggled through customs. Ive been sneaking haggis in and out for years. Never been caught.

Her Majestys Ship

Long-surviving department store chain Marks & Spencer (also known, affectionately, as Marks & Sparks), renowned for its comfortable undergarments and tasty prepacked meals

Ministry of Defence

The Ministry of Transports mandatory yearly test of a vehicles roadworthiness; if the ropey old banger passes the test, the driver gets to display a certificate on the inside of the windscreen.

Senior citizen

On Her Majestys Service

Prime Ministers Question time: the PM answersor evadesquestions from members of parliament in the House of Commons every Wednesday from 12:00 to 12:30.

Quasi Non-Governmental Organization: autonomous local government department with hazily defined function. Generally, they have titles that suggest they have something to do with housing or transport or health but, in fact, their main function is to perpetuate bureaucracy. The cynical may suggest that these committees and agencies exist solely to reward close but otherwise unemployable associates of the political party in power.