Selvaratnam - The big lie: motherhood, feminism, and the reality of the biological clock

Published 2014 by Prometheus Books

The Big Lie: Motherhood, Feminism, and the Reality of the Biological Clock. Copyright 2014 by Tanya Selvaratnam. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, digital, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or conveyed via the Internet or a website without prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Prometheus Books recognizes the following registered trademarks, trademarks, and service marks mentioned within the text: BabyCenter, Clomid, Colace, Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, Dilaudid, Eggsurance TM , Extend Fertility, Facebook, Fertility and Sterility, Forever 21, iPeriod, Girls Inc. , Gonal-F, Google, Growing Generations, Life Raft Group, Lehman Brothers, LiveStrong, Lupron, MAKERS, McDonalds, Menopur, MoveOn.org, My Mobile Fertility, National Infertility Awareness Week 2012, Oleg Cassini, OvaScience, Patients beyond Borders, Planned Parenthood, Race for the Family, RESOLVE, Schering-Plough, Skype, SpermCheck Fertility, Sprout, Vicodin, Vivelle, Whole Foods, Wikipedia, Yaddo, Yahoo!.

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Cover design by Jacqueline Nasso Cooke

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The Library of Congress has cataloged the printed edition as follows:

Selvaratnam, Tanya.

The big lie : motherhood, feminism, and the reality of the biological clock / Tanya Selvaratnam.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-61614-845-4 (pbk.) ISBN 978-1-61614-846-1 (ebook)

1. MiscarriagePersonal narratives. 2. MotherhoodAge factors. 3. Generative organs, FemaleAging. 4. Feminism. I. Title.

RG648.S438 2014

618.39dc23

2013031767

Printed in the United States of America

for my mother

from Heroines by Adrienne Rich,
Later Poems: Selected and New, 19712012

Some names have been omitted to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

The worldwide trend toward delayed motherhood is supposed to empower women. But does having children later in life really give more life choices and freedoms for women worldwide? Using her creative insights and keen intellect, Selvaratnam tells her personal story. Read this book and reflect on her unique Asian American journey.

Soon-Young Yoon,
United Nations representative
for the International Alliance of Women

Through detailed research and personal insights, Selvaratnam sheds light on one of the most important issues facing women in todays societythat is, infertility. [She] bravely shares her story so that we can all reexamine our notions of how a family is built. This book not only arms us with the information, guidance, and support to face infertility but also provides the honesty, vulnerability, and hope to comfort us.

Mindy Berkson, infertility consultant, Lotus Blossom Consulting

Forty may be the new thirty, and women are looking and feeling younger than their yearsbut try telling that to your ovaries! There is a disconnect between what women see in the mirror and whats happening to their reproductive organs. Selvaratnams book will help women better understand their biological age and fertility health. It will also educate on the incredible advances being made in fertility treatment so that women are informed about their fertility options and choices.

Carole Kowalczyk, MD,
board-certified reproductive endocrinologist;
director, Michigan Center for Fertility and Womens Health

This book will be a wake-up call for the many women who are (voluntarily or involuntarily) postponing reproduction. I applaud the desire of Selvaratnam to dispel myths and tell the truth about the biological clock. We cannot rewind it, but today we can stop it with egg freezing. This technology is powerful, revolutionary, and will change the lives of women in the twenty-first century.

Pasquale Patrizio, MD, MBE, professor,
reproductive bioethicist, and director, Yale Fertility Center

For all the news stories about age and infertility, egg freezing, sperm donation, in vitro fertilization (IVF), and the like, many women believe in the fantasy that they can become mothers on their own timetables. Thinking you can have kids when you are ready is a flawed belief with devastating consequences. I am one of millions who made that mistake.

There are excellent books by authors such as Amy Richards and Peggy Orenstein that address the interplay of feminism and the biological clock. What Ive tried to do in this book is draw from earlier writings, update the research, present different points of view, and offer my personal experience.

This is a story of heartbreak and self-discovery for which no class or book could have prepared me. I work in the arts, as a performer and producer. When I was in college, I heard a quote attributed to the choreographer Pina Bausch: Art can be anything. The cosmos is large. I am just a discoverer. I have thought about this quote a great deal over the years, but Ive replaced the word art with life. I lost a lot along the way as I attempted to become a mother. I went from trying hard to make a new life to having to save my own to feeling like my life was over. There is so much pressure on women with regard to our reproductive selves that we face an enormous amount of guilt when we have an abortion, a miscarriage, or an unsuccessful fertility treatment. Ive had all three. One goal of this book is to strip away the guilt women might feel and to normalize the discourse around these issues. Approximately one out of three women will have an abortion before the age of forty-five; as much as 25 percent of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage; and the majority of IVF cycles fail (as high as 77 percent of cycles performed worldwide).

In my research, I spoke with fertility doctors, health professionals, adoption counselors, and sociologists and found that many came to their fields because of a personal experience. Mindy Berkson is the founder of an infertility consultancy in Illinois, the seventh highest-rated state in the

This book is about the wisdom I have gleaned by talking to experts and people around the country, as much as it is about my own journey to become a mother. I look at how delaying motherhood intersects with feminism, reproductive science, evolution, popular culture, global economics, female friendships, and governmental policies. I hope this book compels others to reexamine their notions of how families are built and of how we define ourselveswhether we become parents or dont. I especially hope that in writing this book I can arm others with the knowledge they need to make smarter choices about their futures.