Skinner - Frank Skinner Autobiography

Frank Skinner

This ebook is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form (including any digital form) other than this in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Epub ISBN: 9781409065241

Version 1.10

www.randomhouse.co.uk

Published by Arrow Books in 2002

17 19 20 18 16

Copyright Frank Skinner 2001

Frank Skinner has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

First published in Great Britain in 2001 by

Century

Arrow Books

Random House, 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road,

London SW1V 2SA

www.rbooks.co.uk

Addresses for companies within The Random House Group Limited can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk/offices.htm

The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 9780099426875

Reads like one long stand-up routine

Frank Skinner is up there with Tristram Shandy as a brilliantly effective book... hilariously honest and deeply moving

Honest and revealing... rags-to-riches account of a Brummie whos become one of the most successful entertainers on TV

Funny? Yes, very.

Funny and... well-crafted. [Skinner] has... an enormous care for words

About the Author

Frank Skinner performed his first stand-up gig in December 1987, and four years later went on to win the prestigious Perrier Award. Frank has established himself as a major name in entertainment both in live comedy and on television. Frank has created and starred in a succession of hit comedy shows, including The Frank Skinner Show, Fantasy Football and Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned. Frank has attained three number one hits with the iconic football anthem Three Lions alongside David Baddiel and the Lightning Seeds. He has starred in the West End in both Art and Lee Halls Cooking with Elvis; and his critically acclaimed first book Frank Skinner was the bestselling autobiography of 2002, spending a total of 46 weeks in the Sunday Times bestsellers list. In 2007 Frank Skinner returned to stand-up with another sell-out tour of the UK.

I F I M CONSIDERING buying a book, I always take it off the shelf and read the first paragraph. This, I think, gives you a pretty fair inkling as to whether youll like it or not. So, imagine the pressure Im feeling at the moment. I suppose this has ended up in the Biography section and you are probably already eyeing up my competition: stuff like My Life in Music by David Hasselhof or Fish in my rear-view mirror by Teddy Kennedy. So, I know I have to work fast. Ive never written a book before. In fact Ive barely written a letter in the last ten years and even e-mails have become a bit irksome. I quite like text-messaging on my mobile phone, but its not much of a warm-up for a 120,000-word autobiography. I even had text-message sex on one occasion. It was a long-winded but ultimately rewarding experience. At one stage in the proceedings I asked my fellow texter what was under her pants. The answer took the form of a vivid portrait in words that was three parts Jackie Collins and two parts Grays Anatomy. I hadnt really expected such a wealth of detailed information. In short, I could almost smell it. Her message ended: Whats under YOUR pants? I replied, in all honesty, My knees.

According to my own methods of purchase, if you are still with me at this stage, then the book is bought. Dont imagine this will lead to any falling away of standards. As far as Im concerned, your outlay has forged a bond between us and Im going to spend the rest of these pages telling you more about myself than Ive ever told a best friend. You see, what I really like about the text-message story is that its true. I really like true stuff. This is why I never read novels. Im constantly plagued by the knowledge that they arent true. If a novel begins, Martin lit a cigarette and considered the situation, Im thinking to myself, no, he didnt. There is no Martin. So, Im offering you the truth. The story of my life. This throws up a couple of problems.

Firstly, and I am not inclined to false modesty, I find it hard to imagine the kind of person who would be even slightly interested in my life story. I never stood toe-to-toe with Saddam or struck a power-chord at a stadium gig. Im a nondescript bloke from a working-class family in West Bromwich, who got lucky. Ive always been lucky. A friend of mine used to say that if I fell off John Lewiss roof, Id drop into a new suit, and I know what he meant. On my thirtieth birthday, a mates girlfriend asked me what it was like to be thirty and on the scrapheap. Ten years later, I was doing a stand-up gig in front of five and a half thousand people, had my own chat show, and was at the core of a national phenomenon when me and two other blokes decided that football was coming home. How did all that happen?

This leads to the other problem. Ive read the odd biography and I usually give up after about fifty pages because were on chapter four and hes still at school. I hate all that early-life stuff. Who wants to know where his grandad was born and that his earliest memory was of staring at a stained-glass window at his aunties house in Sudbury? By this stage Im shouting, Hurry up and get famous, you bastard, or Im switching to Hasselhof. But, as Wordsworth said, The child is father to the man, so I feel I need to stick in a bit of relevant stuff from my pre-shaving years, just not in a big lump at the front. In fact, I dont see why the story needs to be in any particular order. Were mates now. Youll have to take me as you find me.

I also like books with lots of short little sections, bite-sized to suit the busy lifestyle common to so many people in this, the twenty-first century.

Can I just make a brief point about modesty? I really like modesty. I respect it. Modesty in others draws me to them. A lot of people would regard me as a winner but, for the first thirty years of my life, as my mates girlfriend instinctively recognised, I was a loser. Thirty years is a long time. I still think like a loser. I still move like one. Im OK with that. Losers are often very nice people, well, compared to winners.

Unfortunately, the nature of autobiography means I have to talk about myself, at length. Ill have to say I did this and I said that. Sorry. Worst of all, as with the text-message story, Im going to have to quote my own jokes. Now, as much as I love hearing them quoted by others, it is impossible to quote your own gags without sounding like a tosser. What can I do? Im stuck with it.

The closest Ive previously got to being biographed was getting done by This is Your Life. It was a strange dream-like experience. I was doing a gig at the London Palladium. It had been a bit of a stormer and, as I took my bows at the end after an hour and a half of fairly tasty stand-up, I was feeling pretty good. Happily, there was a lot of really loud cheering but then, in the midst of all this, there was a sort of secondary cheer which went up, even louder than the first one. Wow, I thought, they REALLY love me! Turned out the much louder secondary cheer was for Michael Aspel, sneaking on behind me. To be honest, I was a bit startled when, out the corner of my eye, I caught sight of him. Michael and I exchanged pleasantries before I was dragged off to my dressing room and locked in so I didnt accidentally bump into any surprise guests. Meanwhile, they prepared the Palladium stage for