Walker - 2005;2011;

P ROBLEM C HILD Persons
R.J.
DENISE
PHILLIE
HELEN Problem Child was first produced by Rattlestick Productions at Theatre Off Park in New York City on May 13, 1997 with the following cast: R.J. : Christopher Burns* DENISE : Tasha Lawrence* PHILLIE : Mark Hammer* / Alan Benson HELEN : Kathleen Goldpaugh* Director: Daniel De Raey Set Design: Van Santvoord Lighting Design: Chad McArver Costume Design: Rachel Gruer Sound Design: Laura Grace Brown Production Manager: Vicoletta Arlia Casting: Liz Woodman Casting Stage Manager: Genia Domico * Member of Actors Equity Association This revised version of Problem Child was first produced by The Factory Theatre in Toronto on October 25, 1997 with the following cast: R.J. : Shawn Doyle DENISE : Kristen Thomson PHILLIE : James Kidnie HELEN : Nola Augustson Director: George F. Walker Associate Director: Dani Romain Producers: David Baile and Ken Gass Set and Costume Design: Shawn Kerwin Lighting Design: Rebecca Picherak Sound Design: Jonathan Rooke and Evan Turner Production Manager: Peter Freund Stage Manager: Kevin Bowers Scene One R.J. REYNOLDS is watching TV. DENISE is in the washroom taking a shower.

There are two old suitcases on the floor and a small baby crib up against the wall beside the bed. R.J. : Ah man, will you look at that. That guy is too ugly for that woman. When they bring that woman out shes gonna pass out. You cant do stuff like that.

Bring in some good looking woman and tell her shes got a secret admirer then bring her out in front of millions of people to see some ugly guy with pimples on his ears just smiling at her. Shes gonna freak out when she sees him. Shes gonna be embarrassed. The studio audience is gonna be embarrassed. Its a weak concept for a show so its gotta be handled just right. Oprah never does this shit.

DENISE comes out of the bathroom. Drying her hair. Wearing a large mans shirt. DENISE : Cant you do anything besides watch those things. R.J. : This is life, Denise.

Dont be a snob. Just because its on TV doesnt mean its not real. DENISE : Gimme a break Mothers who confront their cross-dressing sons. Thats your idea of real, eh. R.J. : What? You think that doesnt happen.

When was that anyway. DENISE : Yesterday. R.J. : Which one. Jerry Springer? Montel? DENISE is putting on a pair of jeans. : Garter belt, yeah. : Garter belt, yeah.

Sitting next to his mother in a garter belt. Sad. Kind of touching. But too extreme for daytime. What a cool thing for her to say though. DENISE : (shaking her head) Yeah, cool, sure.

Man, you are losing your perspective. Turn that thing off. Take a shower. Lets get out of here. Get a meal. : Cant leave. : Cant leave.

She might call. DENISE : Its been a week, R.J. Im beginning to lose R.J. : A week isnt long. She could still call. DENISE : We could get the guy in the office to take a message.

Whatsisname. R.J. : Philips. Phillie Philips. Yeah right. I really want to put our future in the hands of a brain-damaged drunk.

DENISE : But Im going a bit nuts. Maybe Ill go out for a R.J. : You gotta stay. She told us to stay put. She was specific. Were on you know probation or something.

We gotta obey. Well order in. Something different Well order Siamese. DENISE : Siamese? Whats that. R.J. : Not Siamese.

The other one. DENISE : What? Szechuan? R.J. : No Indian. DENISE : Indian? How do you get Indian confused with Siamese? R.J. is pointing at the TV. : Shush. : Shush.

Theyre bringing her out. This is gonna be awful. The audience knows. Look at their faces Its gonna be really embarrassing I hate it when its this embarrassing No I cant watch R.J. pulls his sweater over his head. DENISE is in front of a wall mirror.

Brushing her hair. DENISE : What is Siamese food anyway I mean is there such a thing I guess there must be They gotta eat, dont they the Siamese, I mean. R.J. pulls down his sweater. R.J. : Oh man.

Shes laughing. Shes pointing. Shes laughing. Shes putting her fingers in her mouth. Shes making the puking sound. Oh oh thats just cruel.

Look at the guy. Hes devastated. Hes ruined for life. Fuck you. Fuck you. Ricky Lake.

Enough is enough. R.J. turns the TV off. R.J. : Im disgusted. Did you see that.

DENISE : No. R.J. : I think Ill write a letter. Yeah. Right now. We got any paper? DENISE : We dont have anything, R.J.

A change of clothes. Thats it. R.J. : Yeah but I have to write that letter! DENISE : Why are you getting so worked up. R.J. : Because Im disgusted Life is disgusting.

DENISE : That wasnt life, R.J. It was a TV talk show. R.J. : Hey thats no more disgusting than life, that show. Life is disgusting like that. Life is the place where dopes like that guy get to be humiliated Life is the place that fucks people like you and me up.

Life is just like that show. DENISE : No its not. R.J. : Yes it is Okay no its not. Its worse. But I cant do anything about life.

I can write that show a letter Paper! DENISE : Look. Calm down. R.J. : Forget the letter. Ill call. : The network Hey Ive done this before. R.J. walks over to the phone. walks over to the phone.

DENISE : You have? R.J. : Once. I called Geraldo. When they had that KKK guy on with his grandchild. The old prick had the little kideight months oldin a Klan costume. That really disgusted me.

DENISE : I remember that one. That was bad. You called, eh. Why didnt you tell me. R.J. : Well I didnt get through So there was nothing to tell But maybe this time Illshit! He has the phone to his ear.

DENISE : Whats wrong. R.J. : Its not working. Its dead. DENISE : No way. Jesus.

She scrambles over the bed. Grabs the phone. Listens. DENISE : Ah no. No When was the last time you used the phone. : I cant remember. R.J. is pacing. R.J. : What is this. : What is this.

Is this fate. Is this a kick in the face from fate. What is it. What. DENISE : Calm down. Well get it fixed.

We cant do anything except get it fixed. Maybe Phillie will fix it. R.J. : If he can. If hes even around. DENISE heads for the windows.

DENISE : I can see if hes in the office from here. She throws back the drapes. And screams because PHILLIE PHILIPS unshaven face is pressed against the window. DENISE is backing up in horror. DENISE : Jesus. Holy shit.

Look at him. Look at him. Whats he doin. PHILLIE : (yelling) Your phone is broken! Your phone is broken! R.J. runs to the door. R.J. : Why are you on the window, man! What are you doin! R.J. goes to PHILLIE . goes to PHILLIE .

We can see through the window as R.J. pushes PHILLIE . R.J. : I asked you what the hell youre PHILLIE falls over. R.J. bends over. bends over.

DENISE is straining to see. But trying not to get too close. When R.J. straightens he has PHILLIE under his arms and is dragging him towards the door. DENISE : R.J.? R.J. R.J. : Hes unconscious. : Hes unconscious.

DENISE : Why are you bringing him in here. R.J. : So he can fix the phone. DENISE : Like that? R.J. : Well first we have to revive him. manages to get PHILLIE in a chair. manages to get PHILLIE in a chair.

DENISE : God. Look at him. Hes so hes so Whatya think is wrong with him. PHILLIE : (eyes closed) Drunk! Hes drunk. DENISE and R.J. look at each other.

PHILLIE : (opens eyes) Yeah hes drunk. Hes so drunk he just passed out against our window. Smells too. (stands unsteadily) Smells bad. Well why shouldnt he? Do you think he bathes. Not often.

Look at him hes so hes so. Well what I think is fuck it, wastin all our time tryin to figure out what brought him to this sorry state. Lets just shoot him. Bring him out back under the billboard, near the trash in the place where rats live. Fuck it (focuses on DENISE ) Oh yeah, a lady called Your phones busted. Couldnt put her through.