Eric Idle - The Greedy Bastard Diary: A Comic Tour of America

For John Du Prez

My extraordinary musical partner

History will be kind to me

for I intend to write it.

W I N S T O N C H U R C H I L L

Contents

EPIGRAPH

A GREEDY BASTARD TOUR

DAY 1

TO CANADA AND BEYOND!

DAY 2

WELCOME TO CANADA

DAY 3

TORONTO TO BOSTON

DAY 4

BOSTON TO RUTLAND, VERMONT

DAY 5

THE PARAMOUNT THEATRE, RUTLAND

DAY 6

RUTLAND TO TORONTO

DAY 7

EMPIRE THEATRE, BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO

DAY 8

A DAY OFF IN TORONTO

DAY 9

CENTRE IN THE SQUARE, KITCHENER, ONTARIO

DAY 10

MASSEY HALL, TORONTO

DAY 11

TORONTO TO OTTAWA

DAY 12

CASINO DU LAC-LEAMY, CATINEAU, QUEBEC

DAY 13

CENTENNIAL HALL, LONDON, ONTARIO

DAY 14

MONTREAL 57

DAY 15

MONTREAL TO BURLINGTON, VERMONT

DAY 16

DAY OFF, BURLINGTON

DAY 17

THE FLYNN CENTER, BURLINGTON

DAY 18

BARDAVON OPERA HOUSE, POUGHKEEPSIE

NEW YORK

DAY 19

SHUBERT THEATER, NEW HAVEN

CONNECTICUT

DAY 20

ORPHEUM THEATRE, BOSTON

DAY 21

A DAY OFF IN BOSTON

DAY 22

CALVIN THEATRE, NORTHAMPTION

DAY 23

THE EGG, ALBANY, NEW YORK

DAY 24

COUNT BASIE THEATRE, RED BANK,

NEW JERSEY

DAY 25

WILLIAMSPORT COMMUNITY ARTS CENTER,

PENNSYLVANIA

DAY 26

STATE THEATRE, NEW BRUNSWICK,

NEW JERSEY

DAY 27

DAY OF IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DAY 28

NIGHTCLUB 9:30, WASHINGTON, D.C.

DAY 29

DAY OFF IN NEW YORK CITY

DAY 30

TOWN HALL, NEW YORK CITY

DAY 31

NEW YORK CITY

DAY 32

KESWICK THEATRE, GLENSIDE,

PENNSYLVANIA

DAY 33

NEW YORK TO NORFOLK, VIRGINIA

DAY 34

THE NORVA, VIRGINIA

DAY 35

A DAY OFF IN BALTIMORE

DAY 36

SHRIVER HALL, BALTIMORE

DAY 37

CARPENTER CENTER, RICHMOND, VIRGINIA

DAY 38

RICHMOND TO ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI

PHOTOGRAPHIC INSERT

DAY 39

TOUHILL PERFORMING ARTS CENTER,

ST. LOUIS

DAY 40

ST. LOUIS TO BUFFALO, NEW YORK

DAY 41

UNIVERSITY OF BUFFALO CENTER FOR

THE ARTS, BUFFALO

DAY 42

MICHIGAN THEATRE, ANN ARBOR

DAY 43

BYHAM THEATER, PITTSBURGH,

PENNSYLVANIA

DAY 44

SOUTHERN THEATER, COLUMBUS, OHIO

DAY 45

DAY OFF IN BATTLE CREEK, MICHIGAN

DAY 46

KALAMAZOO STATE THEATRE, KALAMAZOO,

MICHIGAN

DAY 47

QUAD CITY, IDAHO

DAY 48

ADLER THEATRE, DAVENPORT, IOWA

DAY 49

DAY OFF IN MADISON, WISCONSIN

DAY 50

THE BARRYMORE THEATRE, MADISON

DAY 51

THE PANTAGES THEATER, MINNEAPOLIS,

MINNESOTA

DAY 52

MY DEAR SWEET FRIEND MICHAEL KAMEN

DAY 53

THE VIC THEATRE, CHICAGO

DAY 54

THE VIC THEATRE, CHICAGO

DAY 55

THE VIC THEATRE

DAY 56

OFF TO THE BURBS, CHICAGO

DAY 57

THANKSGIVING IN CHICAGO

DAY 58

FRANCIS WINSPEAR CENTRE FOR MUSIC,

EDMONTON, ALBERTA

DAY 59

JUBILEE AUDITORIUM, CALGARY, ALBERTA

DAY 60

CALGARY TO VANCOUVER, BRITISH

COLUMBIA

DAY 61

DAY OFF IN VANCOUVER

DAY 62

ORPHEUM THEATRE, VANCOUVER

DAY 63

VANCOUVER TO SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

DAY 64

THE MOORE THEATRE, SEATTLE

DAY 65

HULT CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS,

EUGENE, OREGON

DAY 66

EGYPTIAN THEATRE BOISE, IDAHO

DAY 67

THE MET, SPOKANE, WASHINGTON

DAY 68

ALADDIN THEATRE, PORTLAND, OREGON

DAY 69

PORTLAND TO SAN FRANCISCO

DAY 70

THE FILLMORE, SAN FRANCISCO

DAY 71

THE FILLMORE, SAN FRANCISCO

DAY 72

FLINT CENTER, SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA

DAY 73

SAN JOSE TO LAS VEGAS

DAY 74

HOUSES OF BLUES, LAS VEGAS

DAY 75

LEAVING LAS VEGAS

DAY 76

PERFORMING ARTS CENTER, SAN LUIS

OBISPO, CALIFORNIA

DAY 77

SAN LUIS OBISPO TO PHOENIX, ARIZONA

DAY 78

MARQUEE THEATRE, TEMPE, ARISONA

DAY 79

HENRY FONDA THEATRE, HOLLYWOOD

DAY 80

HOME, SWEET HOME

AFTERWORD

POSTSCRIPT

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

PRAISE

OTHER BOOKS BY ERIC IDLE

CREDITS

COVER

COPYRIGHT

ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

Im eating dim sum with my friend Danny the guitar maker.

Im thinking of going on the road again, I say, but the trouble is it costs so much to take a whole cast out on the road, you cant make any money.

You should do a greedy bastard tour, says Danny.

A what?

A greedy bastard tour. Its a rock-and-roll term.

Really?

Yeah, thats like when you go out first time, you take a full band with a big crew and tons of buses and lots of lighting and fireworks, and it costs a bundle, and you lose a ton. So the next time you go, you do a greedy bastard tour, and its just you and a geetar.

I love it, thats it, I said. Thats the title: The Greedy Bastard Tour.

But what if they dont get the irony... ?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and

welcome to the Greedy Bastard Tour. I am

your Greedy Bastard for tonight...

S I LEAVE HOME, THE TEARS IN MY DAUGHTERS EYES

REMIND ME THAT THIS ADVENTURE COMES WITH SOME

REAL COSTS, AND THAT I STAYED HOME FOR THE FIRST

THIRTEEN YEARS OF HER LIFE FOR A VERY GOOD REASON.

I try to reassure her that Thanksgiving isnt such a long time away, and I have a sudden flashback of my mother sending me off to boarding school with the same bullshit. Even my wife looks sad, which after twenty-seven years with the Greedy Bastard is certainly impressive.

I think of Michael Palin setting out on his great journeys. Mine wont be quite so bold: just to Canada, which is no longer terribly dangerous. Palin is probably in Pakistan at this very moment, eating dog with an Oxford-educated goatherd, interviewing yaks, and having his picture taken in front of a yurst, which is a kind of straw hut used for storing squirrels [ Bollocks.

Ed.] while I am headed for an executive-class seat on Air Canada, but chacun son got, as the French say when looking at English food. I feel a bit nervous encroaching on Palin territory by writing a travel diary.

I want to avoid any unpleasant sense of stealing Michaels thunder, but most of the Pythons have been involved in documentaries recently: Jonesy walked halfway to Jerusalem in Crusader armor, holding a spear; Gilliam is the tragic hero of a classic documentary about the nonmaking of a movie; and even Cleesy went to Madagascar to invade the privacy of the lemurs. Only Graham has remained quiet. Death will do that to you. Thats one of the reasons I am so against it. So, what is this urge by ex-comedians to get out there and examine the world? Are they tired of dressing up as women? Surely not. This tour will be almost my first time onstage drag-free.

For my diary, instead of a coffee-table book, I am planning to publish a dining-table book: a book so large that eight people can comfortably have dinner on it. Maybe it could even be a bedside-table book, or better yet a bathroom-table book with lots of photographs of nude women, but then I dont suppose there will be all that many nude women at my shows.

I am going on a bus tour of North America. Three months, and almost fifty gigs across the entire continent. It may seem a little odd at my age to be heading out on the road, but I have never done this and it seems to have a romantic gypsy feel to it. I like the idea of slipping offstage into a bed that takes me to the next gig, rather than having to line up to show strangers my socks at airports. As Kevin Nealon so brilliantly observed: How selfish and unthinking of the shoe bomber.