The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

To Dniece,
for the right book at the right time

O ne day, when he was naughty, Mr. Bunnsy looked over the hedge into Farmer Freds field and saw it was full of fresh green lettuces. Mr. Bunnsy, however, was not full of lettuces. This did not seem fair.

From Mr. Bunnsy Has an Adventure

Rats!

They fought the dogs and killed the cats, and

But there was more to it than that. As the Amazing Maurice said, it was just a story about people and rats. And the difficult part of it was deciding who the people were, and who were the rats.

But Malicia Grim said it was a story about stories.

It began part of it beganon the mail coach that came over the mountains from the distant cities of the plain.

This was the part of the journey that the driver didnt like. The road wound through forests and around mountains on crumbling roads. There were deep shadows between the trees. Sometimes he thought things were following the coach, keeping just out of sight. It gave him the willies.

And on this journey the really big willy was that he could hear voices. He was sure of it. They were coming from behind him, from the top of the coach, and there was nothing there but the big oilcloth mail sacks and the boys luggage. There was certainly nothing big enough for a person to hide inside. But occasionally he was sure he heard squeaky voices, whispering.

There was only one passenger at this point. He was a fair-haired young man, sitting all by himself inside the rocking coach and reading a book. He was reading slowly, and aloud, and moving his finger over the words.

Ubberwald, he read out.

Thats berwald, said a small, squeaky, but very clear voice. The dots make it a sort of long ooo sound. But youre doing well.

Oo oo ooberwald?

Theres such a thing as too much pronunciation, kid, said another voice, which sounded half asleep. But you know the best thing about berwald? Its a long, long way from Sto Lat. Its a long way from Pseudopolis. Its a long way from anywhere where the head of the Watch says hell have us boiled alive if he ever catches us. And its not very modern. Bad roads. Lots of mountains in the way. People dont move about much up here. So news doesnt travel very fast, see? And they probably dont have policemen. Kid, we can make a fortune here!

Maurice? said the boy carefully.

Yes, kid?

You dont think what were doing is, you know dishonest , do you?

There was a pause before the voice said, How do you mean, dishonest?

Wellwe take their money, Maurice. The coach bounced over a pothole.

All right, said the unseen Maurice. But what youve got to ask yourself is: Who do we take the money from, actually?

Wellits generally the mayor or the city council or someone like that.

Right! And that means itswhat? Ive told you this bit before.

Er

It is gov-ern-ment money , kid, said Maurice patiently. Say it. Gov-ern-ment money.

Gov-ern-ment money, said the boy obediently.

Right! And what do governments do with money?

Er, they

They pay soldiers, said Maurice. They have wars. In fact weve probly stopped a lot of wars, by taking the money and putting it where it cant do any harm. Theyd put up stachoos to us, if they thought about it.

Some of those towns looked pretty poor, Maurice, said the kid doubtfully.

Hey, just the kind of places that dont need wars, then.

Dangerous Beans says its The boy concentrated, and his lips moved before he said the word, as if he was trying out the pronunciation to himself. Its un-eth-ickle.

Thats right, Maurice, said the squeaky voice. Dangerous Beans says we shouldnt live by trickery.

Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about, said the voice of Maurice. Theyre so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them. We give them value for money. They get a horrible plague of rats, they pay a rat piper, the rats all follow the kid out of town, hoppity-skip, end of plague, everyones happy that no ones widdling in the flour anymore, the government gets reelected by a grateful population, general celebration all around. Money well spent, in my opinion.

But theres only a plague because we make them think there is, said the voice of Peaches.

Well, my dear, another thing all those little governments spend their money on is rat catchers, see? I dont know why I bother with the lot of you, I really dont.

Yes, but we

They realized that the coach had stopped. Outside, in the rain, there was the jingle of harness. Then the coach rocked a little, and there was the sound of running feet.

A voice from out of the darkness said, Are there any wizards in there?

The occupants looked at one another in puzzlement.

No? said the kid, the kind of No that means Why are you asking?

How about any witches ? said the voice.

No, no witches, said the kid.

Right. Are there any heavily armed trolls employed by the mail coach company in there?

I doubt it, said Maurice.

There was a moments pause, filled with the sound of the rain.

Okay, how about werewolves? said the voice eventually. The speaker sounded as though he was working through a list.

What do they look like? said the kid.

Ah, well, they look perfectly normal right up to the point where they grow all, like, hair and teeth and giant paws and leap through the window at you, said the voice.

Weve all got hair and teeth, said the kid. Is that any help?

So you are werewolves, then?

No.

Fine, fine. There was another pause filled with rain.

Okay, vampires, said the voice. Its a wet nightyou wouldnt want to be flying in weather like this. Any vampires in there?

No! said the kid. Were all perfectly harmless!

Oh boy, muttered Maurice, and crawled under the seat.

Thats a relief, said the voice. You cant be too careful these days. Theres a lot of funny people about.

A crossbow arrow was pushed through the window, and the voice said, Your money and your life. Its a two-for-one deal, see?

The moneys in the case on the roof, said Maurices voice from floor level.

The highwayman looked around the dark interior of the coach.

Who said that? he said.

Er, me, said the boy.

I didnt see your lips move, kid!

The money is on the roof. In the case. But if I was you, I wouldnt

Hah, I just spect you wouldnt, said the highwayman. His masked face disappeared from the window.