Leah Wilson - House Unauthorized: Vasculitis, Clinic Duty, and Bad Bedside Manner

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Table of Contents

OTHER TITLES IN THE SMART POP SERIES

Taking the Red Pill
Seven Seasons of Buffy
Five Seasons of Angel
What Would Sipowicz Do?
Stepping through the Stargate
The Anthology at the End of the Universe
Finding Serenity
The War of the Worlds
Alias Assumed
Navigating the Golden Compass
Farscape Forever!
Flirting with Pride and Prejudice
Revisiting Narnia
Totally Charmed
King Kong Is Back!
Mapping the World of the Sorcerers Apprentice
The Unauthorized X-Men
The Man from Krypton
Welcome to Wisteria Lane
Star Wars on Trial
The Battle for Azeroth
Boarding the Enterprise
Getting Lost
James Bond in the 21stCentury
So Say We All
Investigating CSI
Literary Cash
Webslinger
Halo Effect
Neptune Noir
Coffee at Lukes
Perfectly Plum
Serenity Found

TUESDAYS AT 9/8 CENTRALHouse,the Show

A show like House M.D. doesnt just come forth fully formed; its the end result of months or more of work by writers, directors, producers, designers, and a long list of other folks who labor behind the scenes. Glenn McDonald treats us to his imaginative version of one part of the process, and along the way highlights exactly what it is about House that really makes it House.

HOUSE, T.B.A.

GLENN MCDONALD

as is typical with network television pilots, the initial concept for Foxs enormously popular medical drama House underwent many permutations before finally making it to the small screen. Attentive viewers will recall that when the pilot first debuted, the full title was House M.D. This was intended to better convey the shows essential structure as a medical procedural, as opposed to, say, a forensic procedural, police procedural, military procedural, legal procedural, military-legal procedural, historical procedural, or any of the other countless procedurals that now constitute 95 percent of television network drama.

What is not commonly known, however, is that for much of its incubation period, House wasnt a medical drama at all. Well before the pilot episode was even filmed, the concept for House had gone through several substantial, even radical changes. In fact, the very profession of the title character was in flux from the first pitch meetings. Only after a long and difficult process of rewriting did Gregory House find his home at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.

What follows is a collection of script excerpts from earlier versions of the House pilot.

HOUSE, HEATING AND PLUMBING CONTRACTOR PILOT EPISODE DRAFT #4b

INT. RESIDENTIAL BATHROOM - DAY

GREGORY HOUSE, Heating and Plumbing Contractor, addresses three of his apprentice workers in a cramped suburban bathroom. Listening attentively are ERIC FOREMAN, attractive and ambitious; ALLISON CAMERON, attractive and earnest; and ROBERT CHASE, attractive and arrogant. After INTRO CREDITS, we CUT to the scene, in media res....

HOUSE

... so remember, that which does not kill you only gives you third-degree burns on your face and hands. Now, then, lets turn our attention to this charming ceramic washbasin. It appears to present as a leaky faucet. What else do we know?

CAMERON and FOREMAN share a frustrated look.

FOREMAN

It is a leaky faucet.

HOUSE

To the dim and inattentive layman, yes. But were all trade school graduates here, I think, right? Cameron, what do you see?

CAMERON

I see a faucet. Its leaking.

HOUSE

No, goddammit. Youre not thinking!

HOUSE brings out a whiteboard on an easel and writes: LEAKY FAUCET.

HOUSE

Lets start over: Chase, how would you describe the humidity in here? Dry?

CHASE

No, its rather damp, actually. A bit moldy, perhaps.

HOUSE

Precisely.

HOUSE writes HUMID on the whiteboard.

HOUSE (contd.)

Foreman, what about the barometric pressure?

FOREMAN

How the hell should I know?

HOUSE

Excellent rejoinder. Youre right, its completely irrelevant. Just keeping you on your toes. Cameron, what do you notice about the accoutrements in this bathroom?

CAMERON

Well, there are a lot of bath toys.

HOUSE

Bath toys! Right!

HOUSE writes BATH TOYS on the whiteboard.

HOUSE (contd.)

What kind of bath toys?

CAMERON

Rubber duckies.

CHASE

Elmo washcloth.

FOREMAN

Bubble bath.

HOUSE writes the new items on the whiteboard.

HOUSE

What kind of bubble bath?

FOREMAN

Uh, Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo bubble bath.

HOUSE

Thank you. Specificity is critical in diagnostics! The smallest detail can spell the difference between life and death for your patient!

CAMERON

You mean, your plumbing fixture.

HOUSE

Dont interrupt. We can deduce from the evidence gathered so far that a small child uses this bathroom regularly, probably 3 to 3 1/2 years old, quite verbal, prone to tantrums, green eyes, left-handed, likely will grow up to be a Cubs or Reds fan.

CAMERON (to FOREMAN)

How can he possibly know....

FOREMAN (to CAMERON)

Let him go, hes on a roll.

HOUSE

Furthermore, the dampness and slight odor of industrial resin suggests that this leak is merely symptomatic of a more fundamental problem. Note the brand of lighting fixtures. Manufactured in China. Shijiazhuang Province, if Im not mistaken. We also know that this house is more than three miles from the interstate, but less than five miles. Now then, considering that the CD collection in the other room is primarily country music, and that Democrats hold a slight advantage in the state Senate, we can safely come to our conclusion.

HOUSE hands flashlight to FOREMAN.

HOUSE (contd.)

Foreman, look down there into the crawl-space, notice the piping between the heat exchanger and the backflow valve. Copper-nickel alloy, installed in 1972. No, no... 1973. Susceptible to corrosion when adjacent to a trap seal or stack vent.

FOREMAN

Hes right!

HOUSE

Replace it.

HOUSE pops two Vicodin and starts to leave.

CAMERON

But what about the leaky faucet?

HOUSE steps over and turns the sink knob.

HOUSE

You just have to twist it really tight.

As we can plainly see in this early draft, many of the narrative elements of House as a procedural drama were already in place. Yet Houses diagnostic genius seems somehow misplaced in this milieu.

In the following script sample, we can observe the writers starting to draw a bead on Houses persona as a lovable misanthrope. Note the audacity with which the title character is kept deliberately off-screen.

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