Mindy Kaling - Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

Copyright 2011 by Mindy Kaling
All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Crown Archetype, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

CROWN ARCHETYPE with colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kaling, Mindy.
Is everyone hanging out without me? (and other concerns) / Mindy Kaling. 1st ed.
p. cm.
1. American wit and humor. 2. Kaling, Mindy. I. Title.
PN6165.K35I8 2011
818.602dc23
2011033922

eISBN: 978-0-307-88628-6

Jacket design by Laura Duffy
Jacket photography by Autumn de Wilde

, photo of Mindy Kaling and Conan OBrien, copyright NBCU Photo Bank/Margaret Norton.
, photo of Mindy Kaling and Paul Lieberstein, copyright Michael Gallenberg.
, photo of Mindy Kaling directing Will Ferrell, copyright NBCU Photo Bank/Chris Haston/NBC.
All other photographs, Matt & Ben postcard, and Matt & Ben script excerpt are courtesy of the author.

v3.1

For my parents

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
(And Other Concerns)

T HANK YOU for buying this book. Or, if my publishers research analytics are correct, thank you, Aunts of America, for buying this for your niece you dont know that well but really want to connect with more. There are many teenage vampire books you could have purchased instead. Im grateful you made this choice.

I thought Id take a minute to answer some questions:

What is this book about?

In this book I write a lot about romance, female friendships, unfair situations that now seem funny in retrospect, unfair situations that I still dont think are funny, Hollywood, heartache, and my childhood. Just that really hard-core, masculine stuff men love to read about. I wrote this book in a way that reflects how I think. Sometimes its an essay or story, and sometimes its a pliest, which is a piece with a list-y quality, a term Ive just made up.

Is this one of those guide books celebrities write for girls?

Oh, hell no. Im only marginally qualified to be giving advice at all. My body mass index is certainly not ideal, I frequently use my debit card to buy things that cost less than three dollars, because I never have cash on me, and my bedroom is so untidy it looks like vandals ransacked the Anthropologie Sale section. Im kind of a mess. I did, however, fulfill a childhood dream of writing and acting in television and movies. Armed with that confidence, alongside a lifelong love of the sound of my own voice, yes, Ive put some advice in this book.

However, you should know I disagree with a lot of traditional advice. For instance, they say the best revenge is living well. I say its acid in the facewho will love them now? Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage. My opinion? Take care of revenge right away. Push, shove, scratch that person while theyre still within arms reach. Dont let them get away! Who knows when youll get this opportunity again?

Do you offer up a lot of opinions in this book?

A little bit. I do lay in some opinions here and there. For example, I dont think it should be socially acceptable for people to say they are bad with names. No one is bad with names. That is not a real thing. Not knowing peoples names isnt a neurological condition; its a choice. You choose not to make learning peoples names a priority. Its like saying, Hey, a disclaimer about me: Im rude. For heavens sake, if you dont know someones name, just pretend you do. Do that thing everyone else does, where you vaguely say, Nice to see you! and make weak eye contact.

So, is this book like a womens magazine?

Not really, but if it reads like a really funny magazine, Ill be psyched. I love magazines. You cant walk by a magazine and not sit down and read it. You try to throw away a magazine and if you dont push it down in the trash enough, it somehow resurfaces on the floor of your TV room. I know this because I swear my house has been haunted by the same December 2004 issue of Glamour magazine for the past seven years.

Im buying this book for my daughter, whom Im trying to reconnect with after my acrimonious divorce from her mother. Will this help me seem like a cool, understanding dad?

Honestly, I think you should buy her some kind of SUV. This is what all the divorced dads did for their kids in my high school. A Land Rover, something like that. If you dont have that kind of money, I would just suggest reconciling with the mom.

I dont know. I have a lot of books already. I wanted to finish those Girl with the Dragon Tattoo books before the movies come out.

This book will take you two days to read. Did you even see the cover? Its mostly pink. If youre reading this book every night for months, something is not right.

This sounds okay, but not as good as Tina Feys book. Why isnt this more like Tina Feys book?

I know, man. Tinas awesome. I think she may have every major international trophy for excellence except a Heisman. (She might actually have an honorary Heisman, I should check.) Unfortunately, I cant be Tina, because its very difficult to lure her into a Freaky Fridaytype situation where we could switch bodies, even though in the movies they make it look so easy. Believe me, Ive tried.

What else should I know?

(1) There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

(2) I would like to be friends with Beyonc Knowles.

Well, I think Ive covered everything and have still maintained an air of sexy mystery about myself. I feel good about this.

Love,
Mindy

H ERE WERE some titles for my book that I really liked but was advised strongly not to use.

The Girl with No Tattoo

When Your Boyfriend Fits into Your Jeans and Other Atrocities

The Book That Was Never a Blog

Always Wear Flats and Have Your Friends Sleep Over: A Step-by-Step How-To Guide for Avoiding Getting Murdered

Harry Potter Secret Book #8

Sometimes You Just Have to Put on Lip Gloss and Pretend to Be Psyched

I Want Dirk Nowitzki to Host Saturday Night Live So Much That Im Making It the Title of My Book

Barf Me to Death and Other Things Ive Been Known to Say

The Last Mango in Paris (this would work best if Mango were the cheeky nickname for an Indian woman, and if Id spent any time in Paris)

So Youve Just Finished Chelsea Handlers Book, Now What?

Deep-Dish Pizza in Kabul (a touching novel about a brave girl enjoying Chicago-style pizza in secret Taliban-ruled Afghanistan)

There Has Ceased to Be a Difference Between My Awake Clothes and My Asleep Clothes

I Dont Know How She Does It, But I Suspect She Gets Help from Illegal Immigrants