Mindy Kaling - Big Shot

Text copyright 2020 by Mindy Kaling

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

Published by Amazon Original Stories, Seattle

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eISBN: 9781542017206

Cover photo by Mike Rosenthal

Cover design by Liz Casal

Illustrations by Abbey Lossing

All photos courtesy of the author

T he workday at The Office writers room started at 10:00. I would arrive around 10:15, sometimes later, at which point the showrunner would give me a dark look that told me he was very aware of my lateness and that we would be talking about it later. Honestly, it was a shame to be late, because from 10:00 to around 10:45, we mostly told personal stories. It was too early to hit the ground running with work right away, and we needed to ease into the day with stories of Hollywood gossip and bad dates, or YouTube videos of Kelsey Grammer walking off a stage, while we made ourselves coffee and instant oatmeal. So it was its own punishment showing up late, really, because I would roll into the room and have to get to work immediately while everyone else had an hour to ease into the day. What Im saying is that I showed up late every day because I was the hardest worker in the room. No time for chitchat; lets buckle down and get going!

One morning while we were writing season two, I arrived on time (miraculous) to hear B.J. telling a story. In it, he explained how he had gone to dinner with some friends the night before at a medium-fancy restaurant in West Hollywood called Farmers Daughter, which is now closed. Soon after B.J. had sat down with his friends, one of the executives at NBC, Jeff Ingold, entered the restaurant with a group of his own friends. Jeff was known to the writers as a very good-looking executive we saw once or twice a year at NBC corporate events. He was warm and supportive of the show, but we didnt interact with him very much. He was a handsome mystery. That night, however, Jeff waved at B.J. and walked over to give him a warm hello, then chatted with him for a few minutes before leaving to join his group. Jeff and his table finished dinner and left first. When B.J. was ready to pay, the server told him that his bill had already been taken care of by Mr. Ingold.

Everyone loved this story, but nobody loved it as much as I did. Its unusual for me to be such a big fan of a story with no sex, violence, or celebrity gossip, and yet there I was, wishing it were my story, envious that this had happened to B.J. and not me. Of course I was jealous; no handsome executive had ever deemed me important enough to stealthily pay for my meal at a restaurant! But more than that, I was dazzled by Jeff Ingold himself. I didnt know people just casually paid for other peoples meals. When I went to a restaurant, I only ever thought about my own table and how to divide up a check to make sure that the people who had drinks and apps paid more. I have no idea how successful Jeff was at that time, but by quietly treating B.J. and his friends to dinner, he instantly became Tony Soprano to me. He was a big shot. And thats when I knew that I wanted to be a big shot too.

So, for years after that, whenever I saw a person I liked or wanted to impress at a restaurant, I picked up their tab. I couldnt always afford it, really, but it was such a thrill to surprise a person I knew professionally only medium-well by paying for their meal. I would pull aside a server, quietly tell them my wishes, and then have the delightful and voyeuristic experience of sitting and watching my intended victims reaction. I would watch them finish their meal, the server would come over, and then... the look of surprise followed by the searching glances around the restaurant, finally landing on me (I had powdered my face and reapplied my lipstick, of course). They would come over to thank me, totally blown away by my class and generosity. The amount of pleasure that I got from this ritual was almost perverted.

I think one of the reasons I loved it is that my image of a big spender is usually an older white male. All the best stereotypes for people showing unexpected generosity are usually reserved for white men: Santa Claus, Bill Gates, God. And I thought, Wouldnt it be nice to shake this up and see a twentysomething Indian woman treating up a storm? Lets be honestAsian women get a bad rap. We are known for scoring high on the SATs, but also for driving poorly and tipping badly. And I dont drive so great, so I needed to make sure to overcompensate in the other department.

After I had done it a few times to people I knew, like neighbors and other comedy writers, I branched out to strangers I admired. Once I was having Sunday brunch with B.J. and Lena Dunham on the patio at Barney Greengrass in Beverly Hills. While we were there, Hugh Jackman walked in with his two kids. The whole place went silent. People dont usually get starstruck in LA because there are celebrities crawling around every corner. You go to the DMV and you see Anne Hathaway getting her car registration renewed. You go to Target and you see Bradley Cooper buying diapers. (Okay, both of them are too rich to be doing those things, but you get the point.) But Hugh Jackman was different. Hugh Jackman is so big, hes a major sighting in any city. I think its because hes Wolverine, but he can sing and dance too. Hes a true quadruple threat: acting, singing, dancing, and impaling people with his claws.

Hugh was seated across the restaurant with his two kids, and I decided I wanted to send over some cookies. B.J. and Lena thought he was talented but were pretty Hugh-neutral. I flagged down our server and had them send over a dozen cookies. A few minutes later, we saw them being delivered. The subsequent five minutes were some of the most pleasurable of my life. Upon hearing the news that the cookies had been gifted to him, Hugh looked incredulous. For me? I saw him react, surprised and honored, as though we had dedicated a Broadway theater to him. The waiter pointed to our table, and his eyes fell on us. He stood and headed over.

And thats when I froze. It was simply too much to be confronted by him and his long legs and perfect torso and symmetrical face. Did you send over cookies? he purred (okay, asked) in his Australian accent. I just stared into my omelet. Finally, to fill the awkward silence, Lena jumped in, saying how much we were fans of his work and hoped he had a great Sunday with his family. They made some small talk, and he thanked us again and walked back to his table.

B.J. and Lena looked at me. What happened to you? B.J. asked. The only thing I can compare it to is how Halloween felt when I was a kid. I was so excited to go trick-or-treating, I even counted down the days from the first of October. But when the day arrived and it was time to actually ring a doorbellfully costumedand say Trick or treat! I just couldnt do it. I was rendered silent by nerves, anxiety, the whole bundle. My parents had to nudge me until I choked out a tiny Trickertreat, grabbed a piece of candy, and spirited away. I was such a fan of Halloween, but when confronted with it, it was just too much for me. As it turns out, Hugh Jackman is the trick or treat of people.

I was determined that this would never happen again. I would own my inner Tony Soprano. And soon I had an opportunity to prove it. It was Christmas 2016, and I was in Honolulu with my father and stepmother. Hawaii is where everyone in Los Angeles goes for vacation, because its relatively close to us, and the only way to improve on the casual sunniness of LA is with grass skirts and coconut drinks. On Christmas night, we had a reservation at Dukes, a famous restaurant on the beach in Waikiki. Dukes is one of those places thats kind of expensive, but you can also wear Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops to dinner. It was heaven. While we were eating our huli-huli chicken, our server came over with a knowing grin. Youre not the only celebrity here, he said, explaining that a very famous A-list actor was also there. My father, stepmother, and I were thrilled. Celebrities are usually the people most titillated by other celebrities. I dont know why that is, but in my experience it has generally been the case. I was the lead of my own TV show for six years, but I once saw Naomi Watts with her yoga mat on Astor Place in New York City and I walked into a bike rack.