Maureen Johnson - Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village

MAUREEN JOHNSON is the #1 New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of many young adult novels, including the very murderous Shades of London series and the Stevie Bell mysteries: Truly Devious , The Vanishing Stair , The Hand on the Wall , and The Box in the Woods . She has also done collaborative works, such as Let It Snow with John Green and Lauren Myracle (now a movie on Netflix), and several books in the Shadowhunter universe with Cassandra Clare. Her books have been translated into more than thirty-five languages. For safetys sake, she lives in New York City; the vicar cannot reach her there. If you or a loved one plan on visiting an English Murder Village, reach out to her on Twitter @maureenjohnson, on Instagram @maureenjohnsonbooks, or at maureenjohnsonbooks.com. She will talk you out of it.

JAY COOPER s books dont normally include grisly murders, nefarious deeds, or corpses of any kind. He has written and/or illustrated more than twenty books for kids, including The Spy Next Door, The Pepper Party, and the Bots series, and has contributed work to the New York Times bestselling series The Last Kids on Earth. Currently he is illustrating a graphic novel entitled Super Atomic Wombat Girl . Hes also a graphic designer of theatrical advertising, and has worked on more than a hundred Broadway musicals and plays (which have heaps of deaths). Visit him at jaycooperbooks.com or follow him on Twitter @jaycooperart.

Buildings & Spaces

English villages follow an ancient blueprint from a simpler time, when babies drank beer and everyone had a sheep. Time may march on elsewhere, but not in the village. They dont like change in the village.

THE VILLAGE CHURCH

A village has to have a church; those are the rules. For hundreds of years, the village church has been the center of village life and death, with emphasis on the last one. It is the biggest, grandest, highest building around. It has fonts to drown in, vaults to be sealed in, a bell tower to fall from, and an altar to be sacrificed on. The vicar will find your body if you venture here.

The Churchyard

Behind the village church. Literally the village body dump. Its full of headstones of various ages, some crooked and sinking into the earth, and some still covered in fresh stonecutting dust. Someones always going in at night to leave flowers or keys or lettersor any combination of the three. Its busier than the train station. Technically youre supposed to be dead before you end up here, but villagers arent strict about this.

The Pub

Everyone loves the pub. Locals gather here at any time of day to enjoy a pint of the famous local cider and have a chat. You, however, are not a local. The moment you enter the pub, you will be observed from every corner. Your habits, demeanor, and manner of dress will be studied. You are an insect that has flown into the spiders web. You will be wound in a fabric of pleasant conversation as you are consumed. The cider is very good, though, with a mineral-rich aftertaste. How do they get flavor like that?

The Village Shop

It sells cheese, stamps, tea, and death.

The Village Pond

Those ducks didnt get fat on bread.

The Village Hall

All villages have a hallan all-purpose building where every kind of festivity, meeting, or event is held. Every villager goes into the hall at some point or other. Their fingerprints are up and down the walls. The floral society goes toe to toe with the amateur dramatic society. The watercolor painting class encounters the jujitsu class on the stairs. Harsh words are spoken about other villagers poetry, their undrinkable home brew, and their Morris dancing skills. The village hall is a factory where petty grudges are made, and there is no grudge like a petty, hobby-related grudge. Oh, you giggled at Ediths sonnet? Sounds like someones about to be found clubbed to death with a typewriter, their mouth stuffed full of poems.

The Village Inn

The inns business model is set up to accommodate all of the mysterious figures with pulled-down hats and scarves over their faces who pay in cash and wont come out of their rooms, even for meals. On the average night, the rooms are occupied by visiting inspectors from Scotland Yard, blackmailers, people long thought dead, and people who are actually dead.

The Village Green

Why is it so spongy?

The Fancy Antique Shop

The antique shop is always closed. The owner is always away. The wares displayed in the window are priceless and covered with dust. This is not a sustainable business model, and yet the business remains afloat. Everyone knows how but no one talks about it. Dont ask them about it. Stop asking questions.

The Police Station

Its just a mug of tea in a cupboard. There is only one constable, which is unfortunate, what with all the murders and everything.

Anywhere with a Vat

In English Murder Villages, vats exist for the express purpose of drowning peoplein beer, in pickling brine, in whiskey, in jam. This is doubly true if the vat was built by fourteenth-century monks. If anyone offers to show you their vat, say you need to get something from your car, start the engine, and run them over. The constable understands this sort of thing. Tell him about the vat.

The Old Mill

Its not where murders happen, but for some reason its often why.

The Residents of the Village

A village is not its buildings or its land; sadly, a village is the sum of its people. Eliminate the people and the problem is gone. Except that the problem is largely the elimination of people.

The Town Doctor

The doctor is up in everyones business and must die, along with anyone foolish enough to pay them a visit. You dont need a doctor. You have the internet.

The Newest Resident

They dont know the Old Ways and refuse to learn. They want to open up a yoga and sound healing studio in that twee Grade Twolisted thatched cottage. Theyre talking to you because no one else will talk to them. Theyll be dead soon enough.