Rissole - Sh*t Moments in New Zealand Sport
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- Book:Sh*t Moments in New Zealand Sport
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- Publisher:Allen & Unwin
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- Year:2020
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New Zealand rules was a short-lived and unpopular sport.
CONTENTS
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INTRODUCTION
New Zealand isnt good at many sports. We only really play the English ones, and we only excel at ones that involve either beating people up (rugby) or sitting on our arses (sailing, rowing, equestrian, cycling).
The main one, of course, is rugby. The fifteen-man code is our national religion and the All Blacks are our gods. Any time the ABs dont smash their opponents by at least 75 points is a national day of mourning. In truth, this book could have been just All Blacks lossesand the ABs darkest days are included in this volume.
But there are numerous other sporting mishaps and humiliations that have befallen our fair nation, from epic chokes on the world stage, to refereeing injustices, to shameless off-field shenanigans. Some have been the subject of endless hours of talkback radio and vats of newspaper ink, while others have managed to fly under the radar.
All the events in this volume have been ranked according to an exacting set of criteria developed by the Centre for Sporting Despair at the prestigious University of Matamata. These criteria allow us to determine the precise shitness of a particular moment in New Zealand sport, using a 57-point turdometer that includes such questions as: Did the All Blacks lose? Was it a World Cup? Was Australia involved?
Sport is part of the fabric of our nation. Its not just how we spend the majority of our free time and also most of our work timeits the core of our fragile national identity. Unfortunately, as every sports fan knows, its also a largely punishing pastime. Losing a weeks rent and our temper over a grown man playing a childs game. Idolising someone with superhuman athleticism and caring more about their achievements than most people in our immediate family. Throwing around the phrase per capita a lot during the Olympics. The great Kiwi tradition of finding a scapegoat. Sport possesses the wonderful ability to break your heart and take a dump on it in one swift movement. We cant live with it, but we cant live without it.
So, for everyone out there cursed with the sports bug, we hope you find some catharsis in this light-hearted shortlist of shit, this comprehensive catalogue of catastrophes, this dossier of diabolical debacles and downright disasters. And remember: the only thing worse than sport are the people who think they are too good to care about it.
Professional boxing had no age limits until 1927.
TIMELINE:
A HISTORY OF HUMILIATION
| 4 BILLION BC | M - aui defeats the Sun in a heavyweight bout to create the 24-hour day, making us all work more and sleep less (see ). |
| 1850 | First game of New Zealand Rules is played in Mosgiel. The game fails to take off because it is basically rugby but blind drunk. |
| 1905 | Referee refuses to award Bob Deans try against Wales, spoiling the Original All Blacks undefeated Northern Hemisphere tour (see ). |
| 1915 | New Zealand competitive hill-climbing team receives a sound thrashing from Turkish home team (see ). |
| 1916 | All Blacks squad dies in the Titanic disaster, making a mockery of pre-tour nickname The Unsinkables. |
| 1927 | Sheepdog trials are invented as a means of keeping score in Southlands competitive bestiality scene. |
| 1928 | Australia steals champion horse Phar Lap (see ). |
| 1954 | The Wairarapa Bush rugby team survives a plane crash in the Urewera by resorting to cannibalism (see ). |
| 1955 | New Zealand cricket team bowled out for 26 against England, setting the record for the lowest-ever total in test cricket (see ). |
| 1960 | All Blacks send all-white team on tour of South Africa to appease racists (see ). |
| 1961 | Arthur Lydiard invents slow running, AKA jogging (see ). |
| 1963 | Kiwis lose to South Africa at Carlaw Park despite South Africa not playing league (see ). |
| 1967 | National deity Colin Meads gets sent off against Scotland (see ). |
| 1970 | Sylvia Potts trips metres from finish line at the Edinburgh Commonwealth Games (see ). |
| 1972 | Keith Murdoch gets sent home from All Blacks tour after security-guard scuffle (see ). |
| 1972 | The lawn bowls community is rocked after three-time national champion Bjorn Gundersen tests positive for steroids. Lawn bowls wouldnt be this adversely affected by a chemical again until the invention of Viagra. |
| 1973 | Rodney Redmond scores a century on debut but never plays another test for New Zealand (see ). |
| 1980 | New Zealand win zero medals at the Moscow Olympics (see ). |
| 1981 | Australia bowl underarm against New Zealand, in a disgusting display of unsportsmanship (see ). |
Early biathlons consisted of a combined cycling and wedgie event.
| 1981 | Apartheid South Africas Springboks tour New Zealand, sparking intense protests (see ). |
| 1986 | All Black Buck Shelford rips open his ballsack in a brutal match against France (see ). |
| 1987 | Australian wicketkeeper Greg Dyer claims a catch against New Zealand, despite dropping the ball (see ). |
| 1989 | The accidental death of cricket umpire and BDSM enthusiast Peter Plumley-Walker (see ). |
| 1989 | New Zealands sailing nemesis Dennis Conner melts down on Holmes (see ). |
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