Neil Hutchison - A Fools Diary

Smashwords Edition

eBook Edition Published by:

Proglen Trading Co., Ltd.

of Bangkok, Thailand

http://ebooks.dco.co.th

info@dco.co.th

Printed Edition Published and Distributed by:

Mitraphab Centre Pty Ltd.

Tumbi Umbi, New South Wales

Australia

Copyright Neil Hutchison 2007

ISBN 978-616-7817-01-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted in any form whatsoever without the prior written permission of the author.

Completing a full year of living in Pattaya, Thailand, this book is a compilation of events either experienced first-hand or passed on to me in anecdotal form. The diary is presented as monthly recollections rather than a daily journal. Many of the tales were previously published as stand-alone short stories for local publications such as Pattaya Today newspaper, Pattaya Trader magazine and Pattaya Expat magazine. All the stories are true or based on true events with some literary licence used to fill in any missing pieces.

Names have been changed to protect me from being harmed by the culprits I have exposed. I deliberately avoided mentioning my lovely girlfriend by name. Throughout my life, break-ups with girlfriends have been acrimonious to say the least and, at each occasion, most would have enjoyed hacking my genitalia off with a blunt instrument. Not that I expect my current relationship to fail, but just in case we follow that well-worn path, I prefer not to have her name on public record for my private torment.

The nationalities of the foreigners mentioned within these pages have been changed, except in the case of Australians. Through some loophole in the idiotic laws of Political Correctness it appears that, because I am Australian myself, I am allowed to make jokes at the expense of my fellow countrymen without fear of being branded a racist.

You will meet three pivotal characters without whom I dont think I could have survived here for as long as I have. Robbie, Earl and Dan know who they are and I hope they also know how much their friendship has meant to me and how it will always be appreciated. You will also meet many ships in the night, each with his or her own story to tell. I extend my deep appreciation to those who took the time to share their experiences with me, to those who bravely bared their souls and to those who simply needed a sympathetic ear, oblivious to the fact I was taking notes.

A Fishy Tale

The Visa Run from Hell

Everything in Moderation

The Tourist Guide

Pattaya Speak

Cleaning House

How do they know?

Lek , not the typical girl next door

Be my Valentine

Coffee in Bangkok

Robbie Bites the Dust

Viagra Customs

Entrepreneurs like Frank

Kanchanaburi Revisited

Another Shoop gets off the Plane

Mind your Language

Songkran and the Road to Oz

Meeting his Match on the Internet

Paying the Piper

Its all Relative, Uncle Albert

Big Babies

Doctor Darling

Foreign House Financiers of Pattaya

A Helping Hand

The Happy Medium

Robbie and the Woman who has Everything

A Day at the Hospital

Britannia Rules the Waves

Sing-a-song-of-five- baht

Queen of the Clippers

Winnie in the Pooh

Keeping Promises

Phillip

How Smart was That?

The Lump on the Couch

My name is Bond, Lek Bond

More Fun

Health Insurance

The Penguin

You Cant Always Win

Womens Needs

Entertaining Visitors

Taking Care of Guests

One Sunday in Bangkok

Love that Karma

Played like a Fiddle

Home to Meet Mum

Mr. Clean

Borderline

Marking her Territory

Only for Caterpillars

Only Skin Deep

In the Bag

The Lek Awards

Not a Normal Life

Food for Thought

Loopholes

Telling the Difference

My Harem

Identity Crisis

Stuck in the Middle Again

Final Thoughts

Three women died simultaneously in an accident and went to heaven where St. Peter greeted them and explained the rules. We only have one rule here in heaven, he said, dont step on the ducks!

The statement was puzzling until they passed through the Pearly Gates and noticed ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible to walk around and, although they tried their best to avoid them, it was not long before one woman accidentally stepped on a duck.

Within seconds, St. Peter appeared accompanied by the ugliest man they had ever seen. St. Peter chained the woman to the man and said, This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You must spend eternity chained to this ugly man.

The next day, the second woman accidentally stepped on a duck and St. Peter, who doesnt miss a thing, appeared with an incredibly ugly man. He chained them together saying, This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You must now spend eternity chained to this horrible, ugly man.

The third woman observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, was very careful wherever she walked. She managed to go for months without stepping on any ducks until one day, St. Peter came to her with the most handsome man she had ever laid eyes on ... tall, tanned, muscular and lean. St. Peter chained them together without giving her an explanation.

The woman, assuming she was being rewarded, smiled up at the man. I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for eternity? The guy replied, I dont know about you lady, but I stepped on a duck.

Life is all about perception. We can stumble through the days believing one thing is true but eventually, something will occur which smashes our image that we, personally, are the centre of the universe.

The Author

the author.

On one of my earlier field trips and Wat inspection tours of Thailand, I found myself on a small tourist coach with fifteen other foreign adventurers. I was travelling solo but enjoying the company of my fellow sightseers. That is until we stopped for lunch and two couples joined me at my table. After polite introductions, I mentioned I was living most of my time in Thailand. To make matters worse, when someone excitedly asked where in Thailand I was based, I truthfully replied, Pattaya. Well, that stopped their conversation, at least with me, and Im convinced I could not have made a worse impression if I had loudly and stinkily broken wind. Why was it so? These people, none of whom I discovered had ever been to Pattaya, unilaterally decided I was not the type of person whose company they wished to keep. What misinformation had they been given about the place and/or what crazy assumptions had they made about the people who live there?

Pattaya is primarily a tourist resort where the residents are generally no better or worse than anywhere else throughout the Kingdom. The expat community is as diverse as chalk and cheese, but even so, there are some characteristics, shared by each and every one, which enticed these one-time tourists to want to stay. The transformation from tourist to frequent visitor to expat takes time and the changes are quite noticeable. And the life of an expat is not easy, with visa concerns, financial woes, communication problems and cultural differences to overcome. So what made so many grains of sand on the beach of humanity accumulate here? Being an amateur psychologist, I have spent considerable time trying to uncover some of the commonalities which lured many foreigners to settle in this strange city half way around the globe. So lets pay a brief visit into the minds of Pattayas expats.