Neil Hutchison - Money Number One

Smashwords Edition

eBook Edition Published by:

Proglen Trading Co., Ltd.

of Bangkok, Thailand

http://ebooks.dco.co.th

info@dco.co.th

Printed Edition Published and Distributed by:

The Mitraphab Centre Pty Ltd

24 Davies Street

Kincumber NSW 2251

AUSTRALIA A.C.N. 075 432 058

Website: www.moneynumberone.net

Copyright Neil Hutchison 2006

ISBN 978-616-90825-6-9

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce

this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

Since the end of the world did not occur on 21 December 2012 as we all expected, this revised 2013 Edition of Money Number One is now available. This book is the same as earlier editions except it has been updated to reflect the many changes which have occurred in Pattaya over the past twelve months. As with all previous editions, the author shirks all responsibility for the content and offers the following warning:

This book is for entertainment only and was written in the spirit of fun. No disrespect or offence to any individual or group of people is intended or implied. These pages contain generalizations, anecdotes and references to personal experiences, observations and opinions. Stories relating to the authors personal experiences are as accurate as his alcohol-affected memory will allow.

Absolutely no effort has been made to authenticate stories passed on by third parties. Stories told through word of mouth tend to change somewhat each time they are related, but they are included because in the opinion of the author, editor and publisher, each one reflects a plausible scenario. Any similarity or resemblance to any person alive or dead is their problem.

Tips and advice are offered with the best of intentions but if you come to Thailand for a holiday, follow any or all the suggestions offered and still screw up, its your problem.

The prices referred to throughout this book are quoted in Thai baht . Although due care has been taken, they are approximations and should only be used as a guide.

In any country where talent and virtue produce no advancement, money will be the national god. Its inhabitants will either have to possess money or make others believe that they do. Wealth will be the highest virtue, poverty the greatest vice. Those who have money will display it in every imaginable way. If their ostentation does not exceed their fortune, all will be well. But if their ostentation does exceed their fortune they will ruin themselves. In such a country, the greatest fortunes will vanish in the twinkling of an eye. Those who dont have money will ruin themselves with vain efforts to conceal their poverty. That is one kind of affluence: the outward sign of wealth for a small number, the mask of poverty for the majority, and a source of corruption for all.

Denis Diderot (171384), French philosopher. written in 1774 for Catherine the Great of Russia.

On Christmas Eve 2001, the first edition of Money Number One, subtitled The Single Mans Survival Guide to Pattaya, was released in Pattaya. It was a book like none other before it. The author had obviously conducted extensive and expensive research in his attempt to produce an informative and humorous travellers guide. Offering constructive advice in a light-hearted and anecdotal manner, it attempted to explain many of the traps which lie waiting for men who arrive in Pattaya to discover a thirst is mandatory, a fat wallet is obligatory and morality is listed as an optional extra. It received very kind reviews from English language press in Thailand ( Bangkok Post ; Pattaya Today ; Pattaya Mail ) and very supportive praise from a young Thai female reviewer in Ying Thai magazine, a popular monthly womens magazine.

In his Bangkok Post review of Money Number One , Bernard Trink wrote, Hutchison might have pointed out that much of what he suggests unique to Pattaya applies to Bangkok as well. Mr. Trinks view is correct and what applies in Pattaya bars also applies to other adult entertainment areas throughout Asia. Investigating them all would require time and money so, with no evidence to the contrary, if you are reading this in a bar in Bangkok, Phuket, Chiang Mai, Phnom Penh, Manila or Angeles City, you can, relative to the general advice offered, substitute the name of your location for Pattaya. Furthermore, reliable sources suggest that gay men (nothing wrong with that) may substitute the masculine equivalent of the gender-specific terms used throughout this book and the story is virtually the same thing.

I asked a Pattaya Bar Hostess if it was indeed true that money is number one. Her response of, Not true. For me, farang number one, sent me into deep shock until she restored my faith by smiling and adding, because they give me money.

The updated second edition called Money Still Number One was published in May 2004 and a year later a full-page article appeared in the Thai daily newspaper, Matichon , decrying the book as denegrating Thai womanhood. A few Pattaya Bar Hostesses apparently believed the book was teaching foreigners what they did not want them to know; divulging too many secrets. One comment was that Pattayas Bar Hostesses were crying because Money Still Number One was responsible for reducing their income.

The book was voluntarily withdrawn from sale and the author forced to flee the country and move to Tibet, where he promised to devote whatever remained of his miserable life to meditation, self- flagellation and the search for inner peace.

After close scrutiny of all Neil Hutchisons books by the Thai Ministry of Culture, it was found there was no case to answer. It transpired that this was just a vindictive attack by one unscrupulous individual. Pattaya streets were not filled with angry Bar Hostesses bearing torches and carrying buckets of tar and feathers, seeking out the author of the book they mistakenly believed portrayed them as being less than the honest, virtuous maidens they perceive themselves to be. Some people have no sense of humour.

The third edition, reverting to the original name Money Number One , came out in July 2006 after being re-edited, revised and updated by a brown-nosing pommie from Chelsea, London, with the poncy name Aloysius Bartholemew Thistlewaite. He retained all the good, honest and informative advice while redrafting the anecdotes and opinions in a politically correct way so the words could not be taken out of context. The result was a Politically Correct version, guaranteed to make it impossible for even the most insecure, xenophobic, self- centred, thin-skinned, snivelling whinger to take offence. The result can be likened to an episode of that entertaining and educational television series, Kung Fu , in which the old Chinese Master was teaching his disciple, the not very Asian-looking David Carradine:

Remember, Grasshopper, any foolish man can learn from reading lines of prose. A wise man learns more by reading between them.

The Special 2012 Doomsday Edition brought readers up to date with the changing Pattaya scene but was not available in bookshops as a hard copy. Likewise, this 2013 Lucky for SomeEdition is also only available in electronic form.

It is impossible for any book to cover every contingency, but the e-mails received from readers confirm what Money Number One does cover is right on the mark.