The Unmumsy Mum - The Unmumsy Mums: A Collection of Your Hysterical Stories from the Frontline of Parenting

Whenever the Unmumsy Mum shares a story about life with her two young boys, she is inundated with anecdotes from other mums who have had similar experiences. This free ebook collection is released to celebrate publication of The Unmumsy Mums book on 11th February 2016 and includes an exclusive preview of The Unmumsy Mum.

Contents

I have spent many an evening over the past year absolutely howling with laughter at all the comments and messages received via my blog and social-media pages. The Facebook page, in particular, has become a place for mums and dads to share their stories and anecdotes about the reality of life with children. I was confident that there would be further undiscovered gems out there: hysterical things children have said, embarrassing things they have done so I invited followers to send in their own tales so that I could include some of them in my book. The response was incredible and I was inundated with hilarious stories so many that I couldnt possibly fit them all in my book! So Ive collected the best ones here for you to enjoy in this free ebook.

Sarah, The Unmumsy Mum

My little girl was telling her daddy about her first day in reception class. She said she loved the creative table and the role-play area the most. My hubby thought he was being funny and told my little girl I liked role play. The next morning, in front of all the other parents, my little girl asked her very young male teacher if I could come into class with her as I love role play and then turned and asked me what my favourite outfit was!!! Dont know who was blushing more, me or her teacher.

Lauren Henderson

When my eldest son was about two and a half (hes now six) I picked him up from nursery one day and the staff asked me what we called the potty at home. I thought this was an odd question but told them we just called it the potty. (What else would I call it? I thought.) Oh, they said, its just that hes been shouting, Look at the pisspots! all day. It had been raining that day and I had to explain that, in his world, pisspots were spit spots, as in spit spots of rain! It still makes me giggle when I think about it now.

Another classic from him was during a trip to the planetarium in the World Museum in Liverpool. As the lights went down and we settled back to enjoy the show, we heard, I cant see anything, I need a poo! We never got to see the show.

Helen McGuinness

My daughter and I were on the bus (she was about one year old). She was sitting quite happily on my knee and I was daydreaming, looking out of the window, when I glanced down and my daughter was proudly holding a wig she had kindly removed from the head of the lady who was sitting in front of us! I have never been so mortified. With purple cheeks, I handed the lady back her wig, frantically pressing the bell for the bus to stop. I got off at the next stop (now a shade of puce) and when I got home I booked driving lessons.

Clare

My son, my daughter and I were flying to France for a short holiday. I am a single mum and, in a last-minute rush, I stupidly allowed my kids to pack their own backpacks. They were four and six years old, so this was perhaps a little too trusting on my part.

At the airport, when we put our bags in the plastic trays to go through Security, our tray didnt go down the good to go line or the one to be checked. Instead, it was lifted by a machine and put in a bulletproof box.

I said to the lady in charge, Excuse me, I have never seen that happen before, why has our tray gone up there? The lady said, Sorry, Madam, I cant talk to you about this. Security are on the way.

I was taken to the side, behind a bulletproof screen, and questioned. It transpired that I was carrying a firearm! My four-year-old son had packed his Nerf Gun!

Once I had explained, they told me that it was still a criminal offence to carry anything resembling a firearm in an airport these days! They let me off, though. I totally understood, so, note to all mums: C HECK YOUR KIDS BAGS BEFORE TRAVELLING !

Thanks, son almost got Mummy arrested!

notexactlywhatitsaysonthering.com

My three-year-old niece was in bed with her mum and dad one morning and said to her dad (who goes to the gym), Youve got massive boobies, Daddy. She then turned to her mum and said, You havent, youve got boobies like me, Mummy!

Abi Richardson

My now fifteen-year-old daughter at age three

We were on a very packed train, on our way to do some Christmas shopping. When I say packed, I mean we were rammed in like sardines in a tin. Well, shes happily chattering on when I switch to holding her on my other hip, as my back is breaking from holding her. She then lets out the most ear-splitting scream at the top of her lungs, causing the train to go silent, and all eyes are suddenly on us. Shes totally inconsolable, shaking because shes sobbing so hard. It takes me a good few minutes to calm her down and, when shes calm enough, I ask her whats wrong. She reaches out her arm, points across the train and shouts, Cruella de Vil! At which everyone else turns to look at this poor, unsuspecting woman with a mane of black hair and a massive fur coat. The whole carriage erupts in laughter while my daugther goes back to sobbing in my arms. Mortified was not the word.

Emma Cavanagh

My four-year-old, Zack, just before he started school this year:

Mummy, will there be a pub at my new school?

Whoops!

Sarah

One hot summers day, my three-year-old son was naked (as usual!). I quickly popped upstairs for something and when I returned he was stroking his eight-week-old brothers forehead with his willy.

Anon

In an effort to make my eight-year-old sons literacy homework more interesting (and thus finish faster) we sometimes do Siri versus Collins dictionary to find definitions of words; my boy uses the iPhone while I thumb the pages of the dictionary.

Whats the definition of women? asks my Yorkshire lad, who has two front teeth missing.

Siri: The definition of rimming is the licking or kissing of You get the picture.

Luckily, the only word he giggled at was anus.

I apologize profusely to any Year 4 parents of pupils at Brough Primary whose kids have come home with a comprehensive knowledge of said practice.

Lisa Howell

I had to suppress my hysteria recently when checking my five-year-olds homework. She had to come up with six ck words, and I nearly choked on my tea when I read out back, sack and crack from her list.

Husband is protesting his innocence, but I have my doubts.

@castlebitch; mrsmachall.wordpress.com

Several years ago my now fifteen-year-old, Chloe-Anne, was sat in front of me on a shop counter. She was barely three and getting very annoyed with her four-month-old brother, who was crying loudly in his pram. We had been there a while and had been seen but were waiting for an adviser to come back. Chloe-Anne kept shushing her brother, Sam, and I told her that Sam was hungry and couldnt help crying.

Prodding my rock-hard breasts, Chloe-Anne said, Aww, Sam-Sam need milk.

Moving the finger of pain, I was glad her fleeting dislike of Samuel and her apparent annoyance had stopped. But Samuel was still screaming to be fed, so I beckoned the adviser to let him know that I might need to leave. I then bent down to pick up Samuel to try and calm him a little but, as I lifted him up, I felt a tug on my top and an immensely cold breeze. Chloe-Annes proud and loud voice rang out: Look, Sam-Sam, milk! Shush.

Looking down at the counter, there was my exposed breast, with breast milk pouring out of it and going everywhere. Needless to say, I suddenly had numerous ready-and-willing shop assistants!