Humphreys Guide to the Care and Feeding of Humans
1. Like hamsters, humans come in many, many sizes, shapes, colors, talents and tempers. If you judge them by looks alone, youll miss out on knowing some wonderful people.
2. Humans like to be entertained. And it doesnt take much to entertain them. Just squeak or swing or spin. Theyll love it!
3. Humans are pretty entertaining themselves. They can sing, dance, tell jokes and balance brooms.
4. All humans REALLY-REALLY-REALLY need someone to listen to their problems. Preferably someone small and furry.
5. Even really important humans (like principals) have problems and need help.
6. Rubber bands hurt. Do not shoot rubber bands at one another. Unless its absolutely the only weapon you have against a creature much bigger than you.
7. Humans are not very good at figuring out technical things, like how to fix a broken lock.
8. Humans have unlimited access to all kinds of yummy foods, so be nice to them!
9. If you are nice to humans, they will be nice to you. So nice, they might even build you a playground.
10. Humans have good memories. Even if they go far away to teach in another country, they will not forget you. And believe me, you wont forget them, either!
Most importantly, remember:
You can learn a lot about yourself
by getting to know another species.
Even humans.
The Return of Mrs. Brisbane
Today was the worst day of my life. Ms. Mac left
Room 26 of Longfellow School. For good. And thats bad.
Worse yet, Mrs. Brisbane came back. Until today, I didnt even know there was a Mrs. Brisbane. Lucky me.
Now I want to know: What was Ms. Mac thinking? She must have known that soon shed be leaving without me. And that Mrs. Brisbane would come back to Room 26 and Id be stuck with her.
I still likeokay, loveMs. Mac more than any human or hamster on earth, but what was she thinking?
You can learn a lot about yourself by taking care of another species, she told me on the way home the day she got me. Youll teach those kids a thing or two.
Thats what she was thinking. I dont think she was thinking very clearly.
Im never going to squeak to her again. Of course, Ill probably never see her again because shes GONE-GONE-GONEbut if she comes back, Im not even going to look at her.
(I know that last sentence doesnt make sense. Its hard to make sense when your heart is broken.)
On the other hand, until Ms. Mac arrived, I was going nowhere down at Pet-O-Rama. My days were spent sitting around, looking at a bunch of furry things in cages just like mine. We were treated all right: regular meals, clean cages, music piped in all day.
Over the music, Carl, the store clerk, would answer the phone: Open nine to nine, seven days a week. Corner of Fifth and Alder, next to the Dairy Maid.
Back then, I feared Id never see Fifth and Alder, much less the Dairy Maid. Sometimes Id see human eyes and noses (not always as clean as they should be) poking up against the glass. Nothing ever came of it. The children were excited to see me, but the parents usually had other ideas.
Oh, come see the fishes, Cornelia. So colorful and so much easier to take care of than a hamster, Mama might say.
Or No, no, Norbert. They have the cutest little puppies over here. After all, a dog is a boys best friend.
So there we were: hamsters, gerbils, mice and guinea pigsnot nearly as popular as the fish, cats or dogs. I suspected that Id be spinning my wheel at Pet-O-Rama forever.
But once Ms. Mac carried me out the door a short six weeks ago, my life changed FAST-FAST-FAST. I saw Fifth! I saw Alder! I saw the Dairy Maid with the statue of a cow in an apron outside!
I was dozing when she first came to Pet-O-Rama, as I do during the day because hamsters are more active at night.
Hello. A warm voice awakened me. When I opened my eyes, I saw a mass of bouncy black curls. A big, happy smile. Huge dark eyes. She smelled of apples. It was love at first sight.
Arent you the bright-eyed one? she asked.
And might I return the compliment? I replied. Of course, it came out Squeak-squeak-squeak, as usual.
Ms. Mac opened up her purse with the big pink and blue flowers on it.
Ill take him, she told Carl. Hes obviously the most intelligent and handsome hamster you have.
Carl grunted. Then Ms. Mac picked out a respectable cageokay, not the three-story pagoda Id had my eye onbut a nice cage.
And soon, amid squeals of encouragement from my friends in the Small Pet Department, from the teeniest white mouse to the lumbering chinchilla, I left Pet-O-Rama with high hopes.
We sped down the street in Ms. Macs bright yellow car! (She called it a Bug, but I could see it was really a car.) She carried my cage up the stairs to her apartment! We ate apples! We watched TV! She let me run around outside my cage! She gave me my very own name: Humphrey. And she told me all about Room 26, where wed be going the next morning.
And since you are an intelligent hamster who is going to school, I have a present for you, Humphrey, she said.
Then she gave me a tiny little notebook and a tiny little pencil. I got these for you at the doll shop, she explained. She tucked them behind my mirror where no one could see them except me.
Of course, it might be a while before you learn to read and write, she continued. But youre smart and I know youll catch on fast.
Little did she know I could already make out some words from my long, boring days at Pet-O-Rama.
Words like Chew Toys. Kibble. Pooper-Scoopers.
Remember, a hamster is grown up at about five weeks old. So if I could learn all the skills I need for life in five weeks, how long could it possibly take to learn to read?
Ill tell you: a week. Yep, in a week I could read and even write a little with the tiny pencil.
In addition to schoolwork, I learned quite a bit about the other students in Room 26. Like Lower-Your-Voice-A. J. and Speak-Up-Sayeh and Wait-for-the-Bell-Garth and Golden-Miranda. (Even after I found out her name is really Miranda Golden, I thought of her as Golden-Miranda because of her long blonde hair. After all, I am a Golden Hamster.)
Yes, life in Room 26 suited me well during the day. My cage had all the comforts a hamster could ask for. I had bars on the window to protect me from my enemies. I had a little sleeping house in one corner where no one could see me or bother me. There was my wheel to spin on, of course, and a lovely pile of nesting material. My mirror came in handy to check my grooming (and to hide my notebook). In one corner, I kept my food. The opposite corner was my bathroom area because hamsters like to keep their poo away from their food. (Who doesnt?) All my needs were taken care of in one convenient cage.
At night, I went home from school with Ms. Mac and we watched TV or listened to music. Sometimes Ms. Mac played her bongo drums. She made a tunnel on the floor so I could race and wiggle to my hamster hearts content.
Oh, the memories of those six weeks with Morgan McNamara. Thats her real name, but she told her students to call her Ms. Mac. Thats how nice she is. Or was.
On the weekends, Ms. Mac and I had all kinds of adventures. She put me in her shirt pocket (right over her heart!) and took me with her to the laundry room. She had friends over and they laughed and made a fuss over me. She even took me for a bike ride once. I can still feel the wind in my fur!
