Muldoon Patrick - Probably True Paranormal Stories: Bologna or Not? Vol. III

Probably True

Paranormal Stories

Bologna or Not? Vol. III

Copyright 2013 by Nick Kilcoyne

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from Nick Kilcoyne.

These stories are works of invention. Names, characters, places, and incidents may be bologna or not. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns the ones we dont know we dont know.

United States Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld

Everything you know is wrong.

Weird Al Yankovic

By Patrick Muldoon

Because of the nature of our business, we arent always taken seriously. We occasionally get phone calls about convenience store robberies or domestic violence, you know, obvious pranks. However, on one particular day in the office, the man on the phone sounded sincere when he offered to take us on a midnight hunt for o n e of the most elusive and mysterious creatures there is, the Snipe. The man on the phones name was Gerald Buckner. He told us that the Snipe is a small winged creature but doesnt fly, like a chicken except no feathers and no beak. Instead it has a mouth full of sharp teeth, like a cat. Now that we knew what the creature looked like, we needed to know how to find it. Gerald told us we could find the creature at 4567 Fake Rd. Our link then became disconnected. Unfortunately, we were unable to re-establish contact. We did have a vital piece of information, the partial address where the Snipe resides. After a grueling search, we were able to locate a 4567 Fake Rd in Pennsylvania, USA. We were at the train station as quick as we could awaiting no shows for a ride to PA.

In this edition of Bologna or Not? We will be reporting on our hunt for the Snipe but we will also be sporadically inserting stories from our archive. So turn out the light, then turn it back on so you can read and enjoy more strange tales of the paranormal.

Patrick Muldoon

I am the president and founder of this humble research and publication firm and I am also the one who does the most work. That is unless the work involves company expensed trips across the country. Still, this job has its perks. I get my own office with doors that close, for example.

But no matter how I am feeling, I know that this is my lifes work. Ever since I was a boy and looked up to the stars, I knew there was more out there than us and over the years I have heard and have seen things that made me a believer.

I started this company with the purpose of sharing what I know with the world. It has been over twenty years of researching and collecting and I can proudly say that with the release of the first two volumes, I am finally getting the word out.

This third volume was a lot of work, and I think youll see it with not only the length, but the scope of the stories I have included.

I hope to make a believer out of you too.

Not a pimp, only dresses fly.

Nick Kilcoyne

Hello, I have written my name as the title of this writing so I wont bother to tell you that my name is Nick Kilcoyne again. We are trying to reduce redundancy, both within our writing and around the office. No more sweeping and mopping the office. I bought one of those vacuuming robots for work, I just need to buy a vacuum for it to use to.

More about me, I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon and I love technology. I always have the latest and greatest and when I am not investigating the paranormal, I am the tech support guy in the office.

Nick taking a picture with his soul mate.

Oh and on the subject of this book and the paranormal, its mostly just stuff Ive pulled out of our files that weve already written, all quality work, I assure you and the first time any of it has been widely available. There is some new material in here, mostly Patricks writing. I wont give any of that away though. Please read on and enjoy.

Will Henton

Well, if you read the other volumes of Bologna or Not? you already know all the basic stuff about me (if you havent read them, you are only hurting yourself). So now I will give you some non-basic information. My name is Will Henton. I hate pandas. They are lazy. They are predators too lazy to hunt so they just sit around and eat bamboo. If they were ugly, they would be called sloths and nobody would like them. I can recite pi to 30,000 places, I just dont want to. The only movie I ever watched is the original Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. NOTHING ELSE! I invented the cotton gin. I only drink the blood of my enemies, and sometimes an occasional Yoo-Hoo. I once made sweet, sweet love to a manatee. I used to mail anthrax to Osama Bin Laden, but now I am worried that since he is dead, they will return to sender. I have a metal plate in my head. I am Batman. I was abducted by aliens but they didnt like me. I took the blue pill. I invented powdered salt. I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. I joined the Army because the judge said go to war or go to jail. You see, I am a clone and the dude I was cloned from caused a lot of property damage, but try telling that to a jury. I have seventeen kids all named Jerome. I was on the west coast in March, 2011 and sneezed, causing the tsunami in Japan, I feel bad about that. I sat behind Jesus in the third grade. I am a genius in France. I threw myself on a grenade once. I have a stutter. My only hobby is staring at lint, trying to move it with my mind. I thought I did once, but I was only breathing out. Now I wear a special non-lint blowing face mask.

Hello, ladies...

Dr. Steven Hawkings (Not to be confused with Dr. Stephen Hawking)

I have been asked to write another one of these introductions of myself. But anyone of scientific mind needs no introduction from me. In the underground science community, I am a bit of a rock star. My book Teleport Yourself to a Better Present with a Teleporter has become a hit among people of the transdimensional persuasion.

In addition to suffering from a severe case of caffeine addiction, Hawkings also battles with Photogophobia, a fear of having ones picture taken. Because of this, very few photos of Hawkings exists. This one was taken when he was just 7 years old at his elementary school detention room after he insisted God had other flocks.

However, I will entertain my employer with a brief introduction. I am Dr. Steven Hawkings. I specialize in alternative science. Not the herbal remedy will cure cancer kind of alternative science but the real, remote viewing , Phrenology, kind of alternative science. I have spent many years practicing and refining my own scientific method. It has 27 steps and can be learned by purchasing my book The True Believers Scientific Method of which I sell on the side.

But I digress, I do research into the field of the paranormal due to the unignorable amounts of evidence that surrounds us each day. I take a little pride, very little, in offering my expertise to the fine folks who I work with at Bologna or Not?. And as long as the break room is stocked with generous amounts of free premium blend coffee, Ill stick around.