Caroline Aherne - The Scripts: Series 2 (The Royle Family)

Caroline Aherne & Craig Cash United Kingdom The Royle Family Scripts Series 2 2000, EN When The Royle Family was first shown in 1998 the critics were ecstatic. Now, to accompany transmission of a second series on the BBC, here are the unedited scripts in all their glorious, perfectly articulated banality. With an introduction by Caroline Aherne and Craig Cash and a colour plate section of photos from the series, this is an absolute must have for all fans of The Royle Family, Experience again all your favourite scenes, funniest moments and the most amusing one-liners. Table of contents Introduction, my arse! Love, Caroline Aherne and Craig Cash (A small drinking club, Soho, July 2000) Nanas coming to Stay LIVING ROOM JIM, BARBARA AND ANTONY ALL WATCHING TV Barbara: Dont it look lovely there. Jim: Bermuda my arse. Barbara: Shes looking her age though int she, Judith Chalmers.

Jim: I dont know. How old is she? Barbara: I dont know. JIM LOOKS AT BARBARA. PAUSE. Barbara: Shes got some lovely wrap-round skirts though. Who do you thinks the oldest, her or Gloria Hunniford, Jim? Jim? Jim: What? Barbara: Who do you thinks the eldest, her or Gloria Hunniford? Jim: I couldnt give a shiny shite.

Bloody ell, Barb. BARBARA SHAKES HER HEAD. PAUSE. Antony: Eh, yknow Darrens cousin, Steve? Barbara: Yeah. Antony: Hes been abroad twice this year. Barbara: Ooh.

Jim: Oh aye, where did he go to, lad? Antony: Ah, he went to Magaluf in February and, eh, Lloret de Mar in July. Jim: Hes hardly Alan bloody, Whicker is he? Na, them foreign holidays are a swizz. Them bloody travel agents ripping every bugger off and mugs like him fall for it. Barbara: What they falling for, Jim? Jim: Well, theres nothing you can do abroad that you cant do here. It just costs you twice as bloody much. Barbara: Theyre on their holidays theyre having a good time.

Jim: Having a good time, my arse. They spend half the time on the khazi, dont they, having the wild shites. You may as well do that here in the comfort of your own home. Barbara: You are a miserable sod, Jim, you are. PAUSE. ANTONY LAUGHS.

DOORBELL RINGS. Jim: Get that door will ya, Antony, and if its the invisible man, tell him, I cant see him. (LAUGHS) The invisible man. DENISE AND DAVE ARE AT THE LIVING ROOM DOOR. Denise: Hi ya. Antony: Its all right, its only Dave and Denise.

DENISE AND DAVE ENTER. THEY ALL SAY HI YA. THEY SIT DOWN. Jim: Yall right, Dave? Barbara: Yall right, love? Denise: Yeah. Barbara: You all right, Dave? Dave: Yeah. Barbara: Aah.

THEY ALL WATCH TELLY. Barbara: Have you had your teas? Denise/Dave: Yeah. PAUSE. Barbara: Aah. What dya have? Denise: Dairylea on toast. Jim: Bloody ell, I bet you were looking forward to that all day, eh, Dave? Woo.

Working hard, waiting to get home to that little delicacy. Denise: Shut it, Dad. Jim: Bloody ell girl, Dairylea on toast. Come on now. Eh? Delia Smiths got nothing to worry about, has she. Denise: I made it meself.

Dad: Go way. Dave: I dont mind Dairylea, me. PAUSE. Barbara: Can I make you a nice bacon butty, Dave? Dave: Oh yeah, please Barbara, thatd be lovely. DAVE CATCHES DENISES EYE. Barbara: Go and put some bacon on for us will ya, Antony.

ANTONY GOES TO KITCHEN. Denise: (TO DAVE) Youre making a right show of me, Dave. You said that was enough for ya. Dave: Its only a bit of bacon. Jim: Aye, a bit of my bloody bacon. Denise: Oh Antony, put some under for me n all.

CUT TO JIMS FACE. PAUSE. ALL CONTINUE TO WATCH TELLY. Denise: Dad. Dad: What? Denise: Your fly-holes all undone. Jim: (ZIPPING IT UP) Ah, the cage might be open but the beast is asleep.

Barbara: Beast my arse. CUT TO JIMS FACE. PAUSE. ALL CONTINUE TO WATCH TELLY. PAUSE. Denise: Mam.

Barbara: Umm. Denise: Mam, can you ask our Antony to make my bacon dead, dead crispy. Barbara: Yeah, Antony, can you make Denises bacon dead, dead crispy. PAUSE. ALL WATCHING TV. BARBARA LIGHTS UP.

Barbara: (OFFERING CIGGY) Ere yare love. Denise: Oh, no thanks. JIM AND BARBARA LOOK OVER AT DENISE. Barbara: Whats up with yer? Denise: Nothing. Barbara: Have you given up? Denise: Yeah. Barbara: Youve always loved smoking.

Denise: Yeah well, me and Daves got something to tell ya. Dave: You said you werent gonna-say owt? Denise: Yeah, I know, well, I am now. Dave: You said it was a big secret. Denise: Yeah, but that was this morning. Mam, Dad, were pregnant. Jim: Bloody ell.

Put it there, David. Well done. Well done, lad. Dave: Thanks, James. Jim: Come here my little glow-worm. Well done.

Well done, love. Barbara: Oh, I cant believe it. I cant believe it. JIM STANDS UP, GOES OVER TO DENISE ON THE SETTEE AND GIVES HER A KISS. Barbara: (CALLS OUT TO KITCHEN) Oh, er, Antony, our Denise and Dave are having a baby. Antony: (STICKS HEAD ROUND DOOR) Oh, nice one.

Jim: Put a bit of bacon under for the baby will ya, lad. Denise: I cant believe our Antony, theres a new life forming in my womb. Hes not even arsed. Barbara: Ooh, God, Denise. Ooh, Ill have to have a ciggy. Whens it due? Denise: In January.

Barbara: January. Oh, are you pleased, Dave? Dave: Yeah. Delighted. Jim: Well, they dont come cheap you know, son. Youll have to get stuck in there now, get in all the overtime you can. (TO DENISE) Well done, Denise.

Eh, at least you can do something bloody properly. Barbara: I cant believe it. I cant believe it. I cant. Denise: Can you believe it? Barbara: Yeah. BARBARA BLOWS SMOKE ON DENISE AND WAVES IT AWAY.

Denise: Oh no, no I like it. Ooh, lovely. Aah, Mam. Aah. Aah, Mam. Aah, Dave, look at me mam.

Dave: I know. Denise: Aah. Barbara: Do you know, Ive been waiting for this day all my life. Denise/Dave: (TOGETHER) Aah. Barbara: I cant tell you how happy youve made me. Denise: Aah.

Barbara: Are your mam and dad pleased, Dave? Dave: Well, Ive not really told them yet, Barbara, you know with it being a secret n all. Barbara: Oh, yeah. Ah, Jim, our first grandchild. Jim: I know, I cant bloody believe it. Barbara: When did you find out? Denise: Well, me period was late, right, (JIM SHOOTS A LOOK OF DISDAIN) and then I was really really sick, but I thought, oh, you know, it was just a hangover cause the night before wed had a lock-in at the Feathers. But then the next day I was really sick again so I went down Boots, right, and got a pregnancy kit ten quid they are and, em anyway, the line came up in the square window.

Barbara: (REALLY EXCITED) Oh, Denise the square window. Denise: Yes. So I was shouting for Dave at the top of the stairs -but he was watching something on telly. What was you watching, Dave? Dave: Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Denise: And em, then he come up. And Im like this: Hey Daddy, Daddy, guess what?, like that to him, didnt I, Dave? Dave: Ummm. Barbara: And did he know what you meant? Denise/Dave: (TOGETHER) No, no.

Denise: But then I said, you know, Dave, Im pregnant, like that and, er, the penny dropped, didnt it? Dave: Yeah, straight away, yeah. Denise: And eh, then I let him have a little look in the square window. Barbara: Ooh, the square window. Bet you were delighted werent you, Dave? Dave: Oh yeah. Big style. Jim: Ten pounds for a bloody pregnancy test.

Bloody highway robbery. Barbara: Our Denise. God. PAUSE. ALL WATCH TELLY. BARBARA AND DENISE CONTINUE TO EXCHANGE LOOBCS OF DELIGHT AND DISBELIEF.

JIM LOOKS WISTFUL. Denise: Ah, do you know, last night, right, we was watching Animal Hospital and Dave had his head there on me belly and he was just talking to the baby. Barbara: Aah. Jim: Knobhead. Barbara: What do you want, Dave? Dave: A boy. Yeah.

Denise: Or a girl. Dave: Or a girl, yeah. Or a girl. Barbara: Aaah. PAUSE. Barbara: Antony.