Act One
A tv space. A CAMERA OPERATOR texts idly. BORIS appears, silhouetted in the doorway. Music: Should I Stay or Should I Go
HUW EDWARDS : The headlines tonight: a new poll shows the gap between the two sides in the forthcoming European Referendum, narrowing. Remain is still ahead, but by a margin of just over four per cent. Well be talking to Boris Johnson, who still hasnt declared which side hell campaign for, later in the programme.
HUW exits. CAMERA OPERATOR touches headphones the gallerys asking her where BORIS is. She talks to them via her lip mike.
CAMERA OPERATOR : His press person said hed be here five minutes ago Ive no idea! I think so yes of course I will. (Looks up.) Hold on. I think thats him now. Yup. Its him okay!
BORIS enters, head down, texting. Hes charmless: not the confected bumbler once the CAMERA rolls.
BORIS : Where do you want me?
CAMERA OPERATOR : Here?
In a hurry, she shows him his mark and brandishes a lapel mike.
CAMERA OPERATOR : In or out? Boris.
BORIS : What?
CAMERA OPERATOR : In, or out?
He clocks shes attractive. His demeanour changes: more friendly.
BORIS : That, is indeed, the question.
Beat. The CAMERA OPERATOR chuckles slightly.
CAMERA OPERATOR : So where do you want it?
BORIS : Lets go for out shall we? But dont jump to conclusions. Whos doing the interview?
CAMERA OPERATOR : (Attatching the mike.) Huw Edwards.
BORIS : Oh God. When are we on?
CAMERA OPERATOR : Any minute now.
BORIS : Have you got a mirror?
She shows him one. He loosens his collar, musses his hair and untucks his shirt. She touches her earpiece.
CAMERA OPERATOR : Coming to us in five.
The CAMERA OPERATOR exits. HUW EDWARDS appears.
HUW : And now with the time just coming up to five minutes to seven
BORIS : (Sotto.) Huw Bloody Edwards.
HUW : youre watching BBC News. A proposed tourist attraction for London, the Garden Bridge, has been called a complete and utter farce following the revelation that its cost more than forty million pounds of public money. Critics say the project is, quote, a colossal waste of money One of its biggest supporters, the Mayor of London Boris Johnson, joins me now.
BORIS : Hello, Huw.
HUW : Is it a farce?
BORIS is transformed.
BORIS : Well yes now look Huw absolutely not the bridge is a quite superb project which will greatly enhance the quality of life for millions of Londoners and tourists and I can tell you and your magnificent viewers that its very much all systems go for this monumental project. Monumental! Thats what it is Huw! Monumental.
HUW : Even though lots of people, very influential people, dont actually want it? Apart from Joanna Lumley.
BORIS : Yes well Joanna Lumley is a very fine woman but look 85% of Londoners want this thing, 85%, thats an incredible number, and for some reason, it does have some demented enemies but they just need to get behind it because this is gonna be absolutely great.
HUW : Now I have to ask about the referendum
BORIS : rather you didnt
HUW : because campaigning starts soon as you know so have you made up your mind and if so can you put us out of our misery?
BORIS : Yes well when I do decide sadly you will not be the first person I shall inform Huw despite your charm, influence and may I say, George Clooney-esque good looks.
HUW : Because the polls are quite even at the moment and commentators say youre the one person who could swing it either way.
BORIS : Well I dont know about that but look this is far too important for one man, or woman, or what have you, to have that kind of influence thats just, twaddle, but look its gonna be a good clean contest, no nastiness, harmony, indeed glutinous harmony, thats what it is, glutinous harmony, will break out everywhere. Like the New Seekers. Id Like To Teach The World To Sing. In perfect harmony. Dyou know that one?
HUW : Yes. So you havent made up your mind.
BORIS : When I do you will you will be the first to know. Or the second. Whatever, whatevs!
HUW : Boris Johnson there.
BORIS : (Sotto.) Arsehole.
BORIS reverts to pre-interview mode, enters kitchen.
HUW : Coming up in the next hour we take the temperature in Malvern (Insert relevant town/city here.) do people there, want in, or out of Europe. But first, Darren. With the weather.
HUW exits. BORIS enters his kitchen-diner and gazes at his Churchill book.
MARINA : (Off stage.) Hello! Hello?
BORIS : (Calling.) Marina? Darling? In the kitchen!
MARINA enters, slightly flustered, puts down her legal briefs.
MARINA : Its a kitchen supper tonight is that all right?
BORIS : Of course. What are we having?
MARINA : Lamb Stew. Remind me whos coming?
BORIS : The Goves, us, Evgeny Lebedev and oh yeah guess who hes bringing.
MARINA : Dont tell me. Someone famous.
BORIS : Come on guess.
MARINA : I dunno. Dame, someone or other.
BORIS : Elizabeth. Hurley.
MARINA : What! Why?
BORIS : (Shrugs.) I dunno. He owns a newspaper for Gods sake. He can invite anyone he likes.
MARINA : When are they due?
BORIS : Imminently.
MARINA : Right. What happened to your hand?
BORIS : Our oldest son, beat me at table tennis. First time ever. I, punched the wall.
MARINA tuts shes used to this and tends his hand.
Hes distracted/agitated.
MARINA : Are you all right?
BORIS doesnt respond.
MARINA : Hello!!?
BORIS : Hm? What?
MARINA : Are you all right? Youre not even in the room.
BORIS : Im fine. Im just, you know. Decisions. My heads full of bloody voices saying, different things.
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