Table of Contents
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Maher, Bill.
New rules : polite musings from a timid observer / Bill Maher. p. cm.
ISBN-13 978-1-59486-505-3 paperback
ISBN-10 1-59486-505-1 paperback
1. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PN6165.M34 2005 791.4572dc22
2005016222
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Acknowledgments
There are a lot of people to thank when a book comes outthe folks mentioned below are just the most prominent.
Lots of people thought a New Rules book would be a good idea, but Leigh Haber is the extraordinary editor who made it happen.
Michael Viner is the first name I think of when I think of books. Hes doing the audio on this one, and any excuse to work with Mike is worth making.
Marc Gurvitz has been my manager forever and managed this book as well as he does everything. And thanks to Steve Lafferty at CAA, who got the ball rolling.
Polly Auritt of the Real Time staff did a great job getting the pictures we needed to help make you laugh.
And the writers of Real Time Chris Kelly, Brian Jacobsmeyer, Ned Rice, Jay Jaroch, David Feldman, and Danny Vermontare not just lol funny but know what time it is in America better than anyone I know.
Scott Carter, Sheila Griffiths, and Dean Johnsen produce Real Time, and their sensibility is unmistakablythank goodnesson everything I do.
A very special thanks to HBO, especially Nancy Geller, for their unwavering support in providing me a forum to lay down these rules week after week.
And last, but really first, is my longtime producer/head writer of Politically Incorrect, and now Real Time, the Rob Petrie to my Alan Brady, Mr. Billy Martin. New Rules was his idea. I remember the fax he sent to me in 2002 as we were gearing up to launch a new show for HBO, borne of the ashes of Politically Incorrect, attemping to bring along what was good about that show and leave behind what wed outgrown. Billy suggested New Rules as a segment, and I knew right away it was a keeper. Lucky for me, he has been as well.
And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad its us against the world.
Foreword
NEW RULE
No more books by talk show hosts! No, I mean it! Just this last one and then thats it. Who do we think we are, anyway?
I guess its not enough to broadcast our every brilliant thought to millions of viewers each week. We also have to amass compilations of our favorite, most precious bon mots so that people can carry them around under their arms and enjoy them at the beach or on the subway or during a quiet moment sitting alone at home in a small room. Okay, okay, and they also make great gifts. There, Ive said it.
But this book is different. Its not your typical, pompous fare where I, the all-knowing host, sit in judgment, presuming to know, through my vast experience as a media whore, how you should be living your lives. No, nonot at all. This is a simple, humble collection of rules that basically points out how everyone but me has their head up their ass. Trust me, its a great read. And have I mentioned it also makes a great gift?
But heres why I really wanted to publish this book: whenever Im at an airport waiting for a plane to take me to some stand-up gig, a stranger will invariably approach me and say, Excuse me, sir, could you drop your pants so we can see what the dog is sniffing at?
And thats why I wanted to make New Rules into a booknot just so there would be something else for people to discuss with me in airports, but also because it seemed about time that this structureless society of ours got back to the idea of rules, limits, and boundaries.
We have come to interpret the word freedom as meaning without rules or boundaries, but thats not all there is to it. Kris Kristofferson wrote, Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose, apparently without considering that nothing left to lose is not another word at all, but four words. In doing so, he followed the rules of neither math nor grammar. What a loser.
And yet, when I was a teenager, I wanted to be just like Kris Kristofferson: grizzled. And not following the rules. Rules were for squares. I thought I was too cool for rules, which is quite amusing considering nothing about me at that age even remotely suggested coolness, except maybe my plaid polyester bell-bottoms. Of course, thats often the way it is: The urge to rebel in youth often predates having a reason to do so. But then one day you take a lawn dart in the kidney and suddenly following the rulesat least the rules about lawn dartsdoesnt seem like such a bad idea.
I never did take a lawn dart in the kidneythats just an examplebut I did wake up one morning after a sleepover at John Waterss house to find my sleeping bag wasnt zipped up the same way as when I passed out. We all learn. Its just a matter of how and when.
Whatever happened to all of the rules we used to live by, anyway? Before the Me Generation, followed by the Me, Me, Me Generation, followed by the What Part of Me Dont You Understand? Generation, there were rulesrules like No trespassing, No shoes, no shirt, no service, and Please dont touch the dancersand they applied to everyone. Nowadays, these same rules are either ignored completely or viewed more as suggestions to be followed a la carte, depending on which ones we like.
And our respect for rules seems to be fluid, depending on convenience. Take Do not feed the ducks. That rule would seem easy enough to follow, especially if we have no intention of feeding the ducks in the first place. But if weve come all this way with a carload of toddlers and a sack full of bread, whats a little duck feeding going to hurt? It is presumptions like that one, that rules apply more to others than to ourselves, that have placed society into disarray and Martha Stewart into an electronic ankle bracelet.
Even our trusted leaders cant be counted on to observe the rulesor at least they do so only selectively. Rule of law! Remember that popular refrain from the days of the Clinton impeachment? As House Republicans told us at the time, they really had no choice. It was all out of their hands. Legislators are bound to uphold the rules as theyre written, no matter whatexcept, apparently, as they apply to subpoenaing the brain dead. And by the brain dead, of course, I mean baseballs Mark McGwire.